All of my life I have struggled with talking to people, making friends, and just being social in any way. I tried so hard to understand why, because I really wanted to change but didn’t know how. I thought maybe I was just born that way. Maybe it was just the personality that I inherited. I was just shy. But then I started to doubt that, because in some situations I am a leader and very outgoing. I started to believe that maybe the issue was just a lack of social skills. I grew up in a family that did not talk at all. Both my parents were very quiet and very solitary. We never had company and we didn’t talk at all as a family. Maybe I just had big gaps in my knowledge of normal social behavior. When I started seeing a counselor, I realized how much more complicated the issue really was. As a child I interpreted my parent’s behavior toward me and came to conclusions about my value and how to survive in the world. I came up with some strategies that helped me through childhood but now sabotage every possibility of relationship.
I believed that my parents did not want me. I felt rejected and abandoned by them. I believed that they thought I was bad. I believed that they saw me as a burden. I concluded that I was not worth loving.
As a child, I thought that if people really knew me they would find out how worthless I was, so I didn’t risk reaching out for relationship. That way I could protect myself from ever having to experience rejection again.
I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone.
Burden; that is what I thought I was to everyone.
That is my number one agreement- I will never be a burden to anyone again. I will never need love or anything from anyone. And I will not push myself on anyone because I am a burden. I will not put them in that position and I will not put myself in that position.
I thought the only way anyone would ever be my friend was out of pity and I didn’t want anyone’s pity.
I thought there was nothing good about me that anyone would want.
I never responded to peoples attempts to reach out to me because I didn’t want to impose my yucky self on anyone. I believed it was a matter of time before they found out, so I didn’t let them in.
I was convinced that I did not need any relationships, and that I was just fine without anyone.
I didn’t know that I had these commitments and beliefs buried deep inside, and that they were guiding everything. It wasn’t conscious thought, it would just happen automatically, I would just shut down any communication with people. But there was a whole other side of me that was becoming dissatisfied with not having relationships and I was beginning to recognize my loneliness. And I hated that I could not talk to people or make friends. But I didn’t know why it was so hard, but now I know.
I have learned that I gave my parents the power to define my value, and I am learning to take it back. My value isn’t based on what anyone thinks of me. My value is a gift from God and it is not dependent on anything that I do.
Since I have begun to believe the truth of my value, I have taken more risks. I have joined bible study groups, and risked friendships, and put myself out there for people to reject. The most amazing thing that has happened, is that instead of experiencing rejection, I have experienced acceptance. I didn’t think people would be able to see past my awkward behavior to the real me, but they can, and they still accept me.
My view of relationships has changed in a huge way. I always acted like I didn’t need people and I could care less if anyone liked me or talked to me. I developed a skill of invisibility. I could get in and get out without ever being noticed. If people reached out, I gave one word answers. I thought “they don’t need me, and I don’t need them, and it doesn’t matter”. Not only do I now believe that relationships are important, I believe that relationships are one of the most important things in life. I believe that we were created for relationship. I believe that I can benefit from knowing people and that they can benefit from knowing me. People are valuable to me, and I am valuable to them. We need each other. We grow and thrive through human connection. We were made to pour love and acceptance into the lives of others, and sadly I wasted most of my life so far being so busy protecting myself from pain that I didn’t have anything to give anyone. With God’s help I hope to change that.
