Category: Parenting / Passionate Legacy

Time-Out
Aggressive behaviors are actions that deliberately try to hurt, either physically or emotionally. Children are being aggressive, for example, when they destroy objects in a room, bite, spit in people’s faces, fling themselves around the room knocking things over and bumping into people, or bang their heads against a wall. It is aggressive behavior when children seem to lose all inner controls by going into a rage and hurting themselves or others. Aggressive behavior can also be carried out in a more controlled way, for example, if the child deliberately tries to humiliate or hurt someones feelings, or tickles someone for sustained periods of time, or tells a lie in which the goal is to get even and hurt another person.

The basic correction for aggressive behavior is the Time-out. Time-outs are different from the either-or choice that was described earlier as part of the ignoring correction. At first blush, the either-or choice and the time-out seem similar. If you tell a child, “You can either be quiet during this TV program or you can go be noisy in your bedroom,” it seems much the same as saying, “Go to your bedroom and take a five-minute time-out.” But they are not the same. There are important differences. The child who makes the either-or choice to go to the bedroom rather than stay by the television and be noisy, is free to leave the bedroom whenever he or she chooses a different behavior. That is, as soon as the child is quiet, he or she is free to come back to the living room. But children may not leave time-out when­ever they choose. They must abide by the time frame laid down by the adult for the time-out procedure.

Like the other three corrections, time-out is not a punishment. Its purpose is to stop the misbehavior, get the adult back in control of the situation, and the child back in control of himself.

For the very young child, for example, an eighteen month old who is whacking big brother with a toy shovel, the best tactic is simply to say, “No hurting other people,” as you pick the child up and carry him or her to a play pen for a one minute time-out.  If a young child bites you or pulls your hair, say in a strong voice, “No. People are not for biting.” If the child does it again, once more say, “No.” And put the child down. The consequence of being put down is a powerful reminder that if you want to be with people, you cannot hurt them. If a two year old is whining, you can place your child in their crib for two minutes and say “No whining.” When you get them say “happy mood” and take them out.  If they show a happy mood, give them immediate positive attention, if they continue to whine, repeat the process. It may take a few days, but two year olds can learn that whining is not appropriate.

You learned the value of not procrastinating in the section on self­ sabotage. Aggressive behavior especially should be dealt with immediately because every child needs to know that deliberate hurting is never allowed.

For the preschooler, sitting quietly for three to five minutes is usually enough to stop the behavior and calm things down. For older children, one minute for every year of their age is a reasonable rule. Making the child sit quietly for unreasonable lengths of time is punitive and will escalate a power struggle. Children quickly need another chance to try a different way of behaving. Excessively prolonged time­outs result in increased power struggles that sabotage the learning of responsible behavior.

A child’s bedroom is generally not a good time-out place because it is filled with interesting things to do. The bottom step of a stairway in the front hall is good. Or you can use a chair in some part of the room out of sight of the television, where there are no books or toys. Keep in mind this is not a shaming, punishing exercise like sitting in a corner with a dunce cap on your head. The idea is to find an uninteresting place for the child to sit. If you are in a public place, the child can stand by a wall or sit on the floor. The basic idea is that there should be no social interaction and nothing interesting to do. Time­out means just that: taking time out from all other activities.

Simply say, “Time-out.”  Remember the effectiveness of one-word or two-word statements.

6. As soon as the child is seated, quietly set a timer

If you do not already have a simple kitchen timer, buy one or more, it is an essential tool for the job of parenting. Set the timer and put it down near the child. Say, “You must sit quietly for five minutes.” Then walk away and continue to carry out your normal routine.

7. If the child fusses or does not stay in the chair, use the physical assist

If the child argues, complains, or bangs the chair around during the time-out period, go back to where the child is seated, reset the timer and say, “No. I said sit quietly for five minutes.” If the child does not stay seated quietly or attempts to run, use a physical assist. Go stand behind the child, with the palm of one hand on his or her shoulder while the palm of the other hand presses down at the base of the child’s neck, securely holding the child down in the chair. Say, “No. You must sit quietly.” It is important for you to practice this physical assist with another adult before you try it with a child. Pressing down with the open hand just below the child’s neck should feel secure and calming to the child. If it does not, you are probably digging in with your fingers or pressing down too hard. Keep experimenting with the other adult until you have taught each other how to do it. Do not use more force than necessary. Do not hurt the child. Release your hold as soon as you feel the child stop the struggle.

When the child is quiet and stops struggling, restart the timer and walk away. Occasionally, a child will fight the time-out procedure for a long time. Be prepared to stick with this for an hour or all evening if necessary. If you do not sabotage yourself, children will generally only test you at such an intense level one or two times. If you are firm and consistent, they will feel safe with you. If they know what the limits are, and they know the limits are fair, they will not continue to test them.

One last admonition: Using the physical assist by holding the child in a time-out place can turn into a power struggle if you let yourself become emotional about it. If you find yourself using the time-out correction more and more, instead of less and less, you and the child are caught up in a power struggle. You need to go to another adult who is familiar with these corrections to help you figure out how you are sabotaging yourself.

8. If the child loses all self control, use the physical restraint

The following is Joanne Nordling’s person experience:
When I was working as an intern at the Children’s Psychiatric Day Treatment Center at the University of Oregon, I had to put an extremely aggressive ten-year-old boy in time-out. As sometimes hap­pens with very angry children, he exploded with rage. The only way I could make him stay in time-out was to wrestle him to the ground and sit with my back against the wall, my legs wrapped around his legs, holding his back against my front. I crossed his arms in front of his chest and held on. He was strong and I had to hold on to him with all the strength l could muster. When he relaxed, l relaxed any hold on him. When he started to struggle, I tightened my grip. We sat there on the floor for over an hour until he finally sat quietly for five minutes. It was one of the longest hours of my life. But from that day on, he was my friend, and he never seriously disobeyed me again. I was astonished at his positive reaction. He did not seem to feel demeaned, probably because, interspersed between our long silences, l also made an attempt to respect and listen to his feelings. “I know this is hard for you. It is hard for me too.”

Fortunately, these occasions arise only rarely. Still, it is good to know how to do it if the need ever does arise. Feeling safe is one of the most basic of human needs. Do not hesitate to hold children securely if they explode out of the boundary of self-control. Let children gain the security they need from the strong and matter-of-fact way your body holds them. Your own physical size and strength is obviously the limiting factor that will deter­mine the size of child you can hold in this way.

No child feels good about losing his or her inner control. Even though it happens only rarely, you will feel more confident if you are prepared for the rare instances you need to help a child regain inner control.

9. When the time-out is over, do not mention the negative behavior again

Time-out is not a punishment. It is a way to temporarily help you stop the misbehavior and help the child get back in control. Once the incident is over, begin giving positive attention for neutral and positive behaviors. In the same way you would give children a chance to get right back into a canoe if they tip it over, so children need to be given the chance to immediately resume normal behaviors in order to experience success in their interactions with you. As soon as they are exhibiting positive or neutral behaviors, let them know by your positive attentions that you care about them. It was their behavior you did not like.

LOOK FOR THE UNDERLYING CAUSE OF THE AGGRESSION

If children are frequently acting out in aggressive ways, you can be certain they are responding to some deep hurt which they perceive has been done to them. Children who continually lash out at the world in aggressive ways are acting on an instinctual premise that they must protect their inner core of integrity. They have come to believe that their best defense is a strong offense. It may not be clear to you right now, but invariably, every child who frequently feels compelled to manipulate or hurt others is doing it from a need to secure himself or herself from further physical or emotional hurt. In order to help the child, you need to know how the child perceives his or her world. Listen to the child.

Besides listening to the child, talk to other adults who know the child. Talk about the problem with your spouse. Talk it over with the teacher or members of your family. Ask each other the question. “What has hurt Marty so much that she feels the need to hurt and manipulate others?” If you can discover what it is, you will better know what kinds of specific positive attentions you can give Marty to help her feel safe enough, so she will not have to keep lashing out at other people. The problem is that children cannot verbalize their unmet needs. Often parents and teachers cannot figure it out without the help of a professional counselor. If after you have tried everything suggested, and nothing changes, it is time to look for such a person.

It is sometimes hard to figure out whether a misbehavior is self­-indulgent or aggressive. If your gut reaction is one of shock and hurt because you believe the behavior was meant to really harm or manipulate, or if you sense the child is not just having it temper tantrum but has lost control of himself, use the time-out. If you are experiencing extreme irritation with the behavior, and believe it is primarily a bid for attention, treat it as a self-­indulgent behavior.

Much of the following is from Taking Charge by Joanne Nordling (SYBYL Publications, 1999).


Children who avoid or refuse to do the daily chores of their lives are engaging in routine not-minding behavior. Not finishing school work, not cleaning their room, continually leaving the bicycle out in the rain, leaving their snack mess in the kitchen, not being responsible for feeding the pet, not tak­ing out the garbage, “sneaky” behaviors like getting into off-limit items and stealing are common examples. The child knows the behaviors that are expected, knows certain behaviors are to be done on a regu­lar basis, knows he or she will encounter strong negative attention from adults if the jobs do not get done, yet does not follow the rules or do the tasks until pushed. This kind of misbehavior causes parents to shake their heads and wonder, “Why on earth is that kid so irresponsible?”

One of the reasons children do not do their chores is that they know that the worst that can happen is either they won’t have to do the chore or someone will remind them.  One reason that they don’t follow the rules is that they know that they will most likely get away with it.  The rules and expectations are not consistently enforced so there is no motivation.

One way to sabotage the child taking responsibility for the misbehavior is by giving the child incredible amounts of negative attention.  The child’s routine not-minding behaviors make him or her the focus of vast numbers of social interactions, both verbal and nonverbal. The adults try to gain control of the situation by reminding, scolding, reasoning, threaten­ing, and punishing. The child tries to gain control of the situation by not doing what the adults want done. In order to keep his or her sense of independence and integrity intact, the child refuses to be “bossed around.”

Children caught in this dilemma believe that if they finally give in and do what the adults want, they will lose their inner integrity and independence. These children begin to feel justified about their irre­sponsible behavior. Some children even come to believe everything is the fault of the adults and blame them for all problems.

The correction for Routine Not-Minding behavior is to set up a situation that gives the child an opportunity to expe­rience the natural or logical consequences of his or her choices.

Providing logical consequences consistently is one way to motivate children to do their chores and follow the rules.  However, to know when consequences are necessary, you will need to consistently inspect what you expect.  Check on your children often to make sure they are doing the things you asked them to do and not doing the things they know they should not do.  This is lots of hard work for the parent early on, but the payoff is great.  Over time, the need to inspect and enforce consequences lessens significantly.

Practice in making choices and living with the consequence of choices is the foundation of developing responsible behavior patterns. Once children learn what “yes” and “no” mean, what “this one” and “that one” mean, they have begun the process of decision making. Teaching children responsible decision making is a long-term effort.  Choice by choice, consequence by consequence, like water dripping on a stone, children learn to take responsibility for their own behaviors. In the process, children are empowered and strengthened from the real life experi­ence of living with the consequences of their choices.

Natural Versus Logical Consequences

In learning how to use the logical consequence correction, it is im­portant to understand the difference between “natural” and “logical” consequences. When the natural consequence occurs, life itself pro­vides the consequence without anyone having to plan it ahead of time. For example, if a child goes out without a coat and it starts to rain, the child will get wet. If teenagers drink and drive, they are likely to have an accident, or will perhaps get arrested and lose their li­cense. If a child does not do schoolwork, the natural outcome will be failing grades. If you don’t wear sunscreen in the sun, you will get a sunburn. If you stay up to watch movies, you will be tired when you get up next morning to go to work or school.

Natural conse­quences arise naturally, either out of nature itself or from the cultur­e in which the person lives. The major problem with natural con­sequences is that they are often delayed until the consequences are extremely severe and sometimes, even life threatening. A consequence is natural, but too severe, for example, if children are allowed to fail at school work until they fall so far behind they have to repeat a grade. No parent or teacher wants a child to be dealt with in as harsh a way as the natural consequence may eventually provide.

Logical consequences, on the other hand, are real life situations that an adult plans for the child ahead of time. The situation needs to be as natural as possible, yet with consequences that are not really harmful or life threatening to the child. Even though the logical con­sequence should cause discomfort to the child, it is not as severe as a natural consequence might be. The logical consequence is also different from a natural consequence in that it always provides a way out for the child. At any time, the child can improve the situa­tion by making a different choice.

Logical consequences need to be perceived by the child as reasonable and fair, as part of the natural order of things. The inherent logic of the situation, the life experiences themselves, will do the teach­ing. If you sabotage yourself, especially by talking about the misbe­havior, the consequence will most likely be perceived by the child as punishment or personal revenge on your part. Any such perception will fuel a power struggle between you and the child. If you or any adult helping you sabotages in this way, the logical consequence correction will not work.

Giving Children Choices

The basic prevention plan: Give children daily opportunities to make, and to live with, their choices.

1. Give your child practice in making fun choices

Even a two year old can make choices like, “Do you choose orange juice or apple juice for lunch?” or “Which of these two books do you choose for me to read to you?” One mother said she always allowed her preschoolers to choose which of two outfits to wear for the day.  It helped speed up the dressing process each morning. As they got older they chose clothes all by themselves. “They didn’t always match, but they were so proud.” As children grow older you should increasingly provide more and more areas of their lives in which they can make choices.

2. Never give a choice if there is no choice

Sometimes it is not possible to give children a choice. If that is the case, do not confuse them by giving them a choice when there really is no choice. “Do you want to go home now?” or “Let’s go home now, okay?” Okay? implies that you are giving a choice between staying where you are, or going home. Use the word “choose” instead of “want” or “okay?”  It will help you keep the difference between “choosing” and “wanting” clear in your own mind as well as teaching children that they are actively “choosing” instead of passively “wanting”.

If there is no choice, simply describe the facts of the matter. “Now it is time to go home.” The sun goes up and the sun goes down. Nothing can be done about it. In the same way, “Now it is time to go home.” If an adult initially offers, “Want to go to bed now?” and the child says “No,” the adult is left in the uncomfortable position of hav­ing to switch tactics, either cajoling or forcing the child into going to bed. If the adult insists on bedtime as a personal and emotional issue, “I said you are going to bed right now!” it invites rebellion and a power struggle. If instead, from the very beginning, the adult uses the inexo­rable, unemotional needs of nature and society as the reason for go­ing to bed, “Now it is time to go to bed,” the personal power struggle can often be avoided. No one, not even mother and dad can go against the natural order of things.

3. Keep the choices limited and appropriate to the child’s age

“Do you choose chicken noodle soup or Spaghetti O’s today?” is enough choice for a three year old. “What do you want for lunch?” is not an appropriate choice. It is hard enough for adults to decide what they want for lunch. A three year old will not be able to choose among so many possibilities and will probably end up changing his or her mind. At that age, the child who is given too many choices will likely end up frustrated and crying at whatever you finally do serve for lunch. As a child grows older, you can expand the concept of choices, for example, it would be appropriate for a ten year old to help decide when, the weekly chores should be done, or to help choose which of three different vacation options the family could take that year.

4. Once the child makes the choice, let the child live with the consequences

Some preschoolers will, at first, get a bit drunk on their new decision­ making powers and continually change their minds. They are just test­ing to see how far their power goes. For example, when you give the choice between apple and orange juice, the three year old may choose orange juice and then abruptly push away the orange juice and say, “No. I want apple juice!” it is important for you to treat this refusal as a self-indulgent behavior. Say only one time, “No. You chose orange juice,” and then pay no more attention to the demands for apple juice. If the child tantrums at this point, for example, if he or she throws the orange juice on the floor, assume the choice has been made for no juice at all. Remember not to sabotage yourself by scolding as you clean up the mess. (Or, you can give the child a rag to clean up the spill himself.)

Some adults are often tempted to leap in and rescue the child from the logical consequences of the situation. They think, “Well, this child is only three years old, and, after all, I am an adult who shouldn’t act as petty as a little kid.” It is not petty to teach children they must live by their choices. If you allow children the opportunity to experience the consequences of their small choices, you will be saving them from suffering the serious and long lasting consequences they are capable of precipitating in their teen years. If you insist that children experi­ence the short-term consequences of their behaviors now, they will gain the experience needed to avoid long-term and calamitous natural consequences in later life.

Some adults are also prone to let the child have “one more chance,” especially if the child is properly contrite and promises, “I won’t do it any more.” Allowing children to evade consequences because they are cute or because they say “I’m sorry” in a sincere tone of voice only teaches them that if they learn to be charming enough they can always do pretty much as they please. This is a sure-fire formula for raising irresponsible adults. Allowing children to do whatever they want, as long as they apologize sweetly afterwards, teaches them to cultivate charm instead of responsible behavior. A charming but irresponsible adult has not learned basic survival skills for living co­operatively within the human family. We have all met adults like this. No one likes living with them, because they go through life expecting others to suffer the consequences of their own poor choices.

Setting Up a Logical Consequence for the Child

The choices and consequences described above form a basic prevention plan for keeping a child from ever developing irresponsible behaviors in the first place. But what if the child has already established a specific routine not-minding behavior? If the basic preven­tion plan is not enough to change an old behavior pattern, here are some guidelines showing you how to use logical consequences as a correction.

1. Decide which routine not-minding behavior you want to change

You cannot change everything at once. Choose the one routine not­-minding misbehavior that troubles you the most. It may be that the child is never ready for school on time, or perhaps never finishes school work on time even though the school has done testing and found him or her to be capable of doing the work, or maybe the child will not give the dog food and water on a regular basis. Focus on only one routine not-minding behavior at a time.

2. Choose the situation you want to change. Enlist another adult, if possible, and make a plan

Planning a logical consequence requires flexibility, creativity, and, some­times, a sense of humor. The possibilities for designing logical conse­quence plans are endless and depend somewhat on your own per­sonality, the child’s personality, and whatever seems comfortable to you. It is important to brainstorm ahead of time with your spouse or a friend to decide on what your specific plan will be. If you are not sure what you are going to do ahead of time, the consequence may turn out to be more punishing than logical. Some­times, of course, the consequence may occur to you on the spur of the moment and you will not be able to resist “just doing it.”

3. Ensure that the child, not the adult, will feel uncomfortable

If children can begin to experience discomfort because of a choice they made, their misbehavior will have been magically moved from a misbehavior that gave the adult a problem to a situation in which the child is having a problem. Once the negative behavior becomes the child’s problem, he or she may sometimes need help from you in sorting out his or her feelings about the matter, but mostly the child will have to deal with the problem by making some different choices. In other words, if you have set up a true logical consequence situa­tion, the child, not you, should be the one feeling unhappy about the situation. It is now the child who has the problem, not the adult. It is the child who will have to start thinking about how to make some different choices so the situation can improve.

4. The consequence should follow logically and naturally from the misbehavior

Every logical consequence situation should give the child the gift of experiencing what it is like to live in the real world.  Consequences that do not follow logically from the social or natural order of the situation would be perceived as punishment and invite a power struggle.

5. Be cautious about taking away a privilege

Some examples of privileges to be lost are: phone, friends, TV,  privacy, computer, e-mail, toys, and activities.  Losing a privilege, like not being able to leave the yard, or forfeiting an allowance, or not being allowed to go out for recess, is often used as a consequence for routine not-minding behaviors. The consequence of losing a privilege has the advantage of being easy to think up, but it often becomes exceedingly difficult for the adult to enforce. It also often violates the principle of taking the problem from the adult and giving it to the child. For example, if a teacher tells two children who have had a fight that they may not play together all week during recess, then all week long the teacher must take on the duty of prison guard to see that the children do not play together. This is a lot of work for the teacher and not much of a problem for the kids. Even worse, the teacher can give the job of prison guard to whoever hap­pens to be on recess duty, thus shifting the problem to another adult and leaving the kids free to play a game with the unfortunate person on recess duty called, “Are they playing together or aren’t they?”

If, on the other hand, you are convinced that losing a privilege makes sense because it arises directly from the misbehavior, set it up so that the consequences are uncomfortable for the child, not for you. Any consequence you can think up will be most effective if the adult concentrates on what the adult can do without becoming a prison guard and forcing the child to do something. The idea is not to force the child to behave. The idea is to set up a situation that makes the child uncomfortable enough to see the sense of behaving in a different way. “I will not loan you my car” and “I will not take you to the store” are consequences that are logical and are relatively easy for the adult to carry out.

6. Loss of privileges should be short-term

Losing one turn or one recess, one hour or one day, is enough time for the loss of a privilege related to a logical consequence. The teenager can handle two or three days, or one weekend. If you go past this point you will find it hard to carry through, and not carrying through on a logical consequence only convinces the child that “Dad never means anything he says.”  The longer you have to enforce the consequence, the harder it will be to keep from getting upset and sabotaging yourself by talking in some way about the misbehavior. It is impossible to let the inci­dent be in the past when you are in the position of continually having to enforce the consequence. When you sabotage yourself by talking about the misbehavior, a power struggle begins, or, if a power struggle is already present, it will intensify.

One example of a logical consequences is that if a child does not do their chores or continues to leave their coat, shoes, back back and personal belongings around the house they simply lose allowance.  When our school age children do not do their chores we simply go to their accounts without a word and subtract an appropriate amount of cash.  When they leave their things around the house we write -.25c on a sticky note and stick it to the item left out, and then subtract that amount from their account.  A new sticky note is added each day until the item is put away.  Another example of a logical consequence is if a child repeatedly misses the bus after school we will require that child to walk home rather than be rescued by us.  Rather than yelling or lecturing, just let the consequences speak for themselves.

“Ignoring,” also called “The Neutral Stance”

When your teenager begins to escalate after you have followed through with a consequence, or they if they begin to argue with you after you have said “no” to a request, you’ll want to use “the neutral stance” in response.  The neutral stance is not passive. Rather it is the result of your active decision not to involve yourself in your child’s misbehavior. You remain calm and unwavering as your child escalates in an attempt to engage you in a power struggle.  You do not let emotions guide you.  Instead, you go about your routine, refusing to give in to your child’s demands and offering no explanations, alternatives, or idle threats. You enact consequences and follow through without demonstrating frustration or anger and without feeling guilt.  In this way you model responsible adult behavior and you place the responsibility for the consequences right where it belongs-squarely on the child’s shoulders.  You do not muddy the waters by expressing your frustration or anger (by yelling, threatening, or giving in), because to do so takes the emphasis off the child’s responsibility and puts it on you.

When parents retaliate, the child isn’t reaping the rewards of his misbehavior, he’s being punished by angry parents who’ve lost their tempers and are now exercising their own brand of tyranny.  That’s exactly how it looks when parents lose control and stoop to using the same behavior as their children.  You can avoid this vicious cycle of escalating tempers by teaching yourself to use the neutral stance. It is simple and effective and here’s how it works.

Adopting the Neutral Stance

When you have implemented a consequence and your child escalates in order to convince you to change your mind, do the following:

• Put a “befuddled” expression on your face.
• Look at the child without anger or irritation.  You’re confused.  The child did action “A” and you followed with consequence “B.”  You do not understand what the problem is.
• Say nothing (Ignore).  You do not need to explain anything.  Your child knows what happened and needs to consider the behavior and consequences on his own.
• Go about your life … make dinner, do whatever you planned to do.
• Maintain your air of neutrality.  Don’t seek revenge or retribution for your child’s behavior.  The child is experiencing the consequences of the behavior.  Let it go at that.

From Whining by Audrey Ricker (Fireside 2000).

Either or Choice

If the child will not stop following you, whining and arguing about the decision and is making it impossible for you to ignore, he is infringing on your rights, and it is time to give the “either-or choice”. You could say in a calm, respectful tone “I have made my decision, and you can either accept it and stop arguing with me, or you can go to your room until you are able to accept it.”
If your child refuses, that is Not-Minding, which for teens is met with a logical consequence such as restriction from friends for a weekend, or no social activities for the next week to work on the respectful treatment of family.  

If the teen is not arguing but truly only desires to give more information that might affect a decision you have made, you could teach your child the “appeals process”.  The “appeals process” is a communication tool that is extremely valuable in helping to prevent heated conflict and teach children a proper and respectful way to work with authority.  The teen may, in a calm tone of voice, ask “May I appeal?  I have some more information.”  Then you can allow them to state the new information, or new reason why they would like to do that activity.  You then discuss it with your spouse and return to the teen with the final decision. Explain to them that the final decision is final.  If the child argues with the decision after the appeals process, then that is disobedience and there should be consequences.  One of the consequences is the loss of the appeals privilege for a set amount of time.  

Have you ever tried to make dinner while your 3 year old whines that she is hungry, or that she wants you to hold her?  You explain that you are making dinner and she will eat soon,  but she continues to make annoying whining noises, hang on your legs, ask the same questions repeatedly, scoot in between you and the counter, or upset her younger sister just to get your attention?  That is Self-Indulgent behavior.  The corrections for Self-Indulgent behavior are Ignoring and the Either-Or Choice.

Self-indulgent behavior is guaranteed to irritate even the most patient of parents. You can recognize self-indulgent behavior when children whine, argue, throw themselves on the floor and scream, accuse the adult of not loving them, threaten not to love the adult, clam up when they are spoken to, interrupt, pout, criticize (“Stop singing, that hurts my ears!”), bicker with other kids, cry even when there seems to be no real reason for it, tattle, constantly demand that adults do things for them, and on and on. More than any of the other misbehaviors, the goal of a child’s self-indulgent behavior is to control the situation by being the center of your attention.

There are two parts of the correction for self-indulgent behavior. The first part of the correction, given when the child is just being irritating, is to ignore the behavior. Self-indulgent behavior that is ignored will drop away, if you remember not to sabotage yourself by procrastinating,talking about the behavior, or negative scripting.  The second part of the correction is to be used when the child is not only being irritating, but also infringing on your rights. This second part of the correction involves setting up a situation in which you can again ignore the behavior by giving the child an Either-Or Choice. When self-indulgent behavior is ignored, there is no reason for the child to continue the behavior. Attention is what the child is trying to get from you. Behavior you give emotional attention to will continue, especially self-indulgent behavior.

Ignoring

Ignoring is not an easy correction to use. Ignoring may seem like a passive, even cowardly, response. But ignoring is not a passive correction. It is one of the most difficult of the corrections to administer effectively because it requires that you give the child no attention at all. This means no eye contact, no facial response, in fact, no body language response whatsoever, and especially no talking. Remembering to do all this at a time when you probably feel instead like giving the child a whack on the bottom is not an easy thing to do. Ignoring means to treat children as though they are invisible, as if they are not even in the room with you.

Ignoring self-indulgent behavior in a public place is one of the hardest of all corrections to pull off successfully because the adult usually is keenly aware of all those strangers eyeing the situation disapprovingly, waiting for the adult to do something about that child. Hard as it is, you must resist the temptation to treat the child as you think other people expect you to. Stick to your own program.

Giving the Either-Or Choice

Now the second part of this correction. Every parent and teacher knows it is not always possible to ignore. Sometimes the child will engage in self-indulgent behavior in a way that interferes with your or other people’s rights. If the children jump on your furniture, for example, or argue and yell when you are trying to talk on the phone or when you have visitors in the house, or when you and your spouse are trying to watch a favorite television program, they are clearly infringing on your rights. In these situations you need to use the second stage of the Ignoring correction, the Either-Or Choice, because when children infringe on your rights, you can no longer ignore their behavior.

Keep in mind that either-or choices are not intended to be punitive. You are simply setting up a situation in which you are free to ignore the self-indulgent behavior. Only by convincing your child that she cannot control the rest of the family and have all attention focused on her because of her self-indulgent behavior, will you teach her not to act this way. You are involved in a teaching process. Teaching new behaviors takes time. If you can carry out this correction consistently, and remember not to sabotage yourself, your child’s behavior will change.  But you must be willing to invest time and energy in the effort to change her self-indulgent behavior.

The main requirement for the either-or choice correction is for the child to go somewhere else so you can continue to ignore the self-indulgent behavior “You can either choose to (stop the self-indulgent behavior)” or “You can go (be self-indulgent somewhere else).” The goal of the either-or choice correction is not to get the child to obey a command, but rather to set up a situation in which you can again ignore the child’s self-indulgent behavior.

Taken from Joanne Nordling, Taking Charge.

The next post will cover Ignoring and the Either-Or Choice for teens.

In our last article, we identified four categories of inappropriate behavior: Not-minding, Self-indulgent, Routine Not-minding and Aggressive behavior.  Each of these requires a different type of discipline in order to properly direct the child to a new and better way of acting and relating to others.  Knowing these corrections and applying them faithfully will result in children that have the self-control and life skills that will prepare them to better navigate the adult world.  Firmly, consistently and lovingly using these corrections is one of the greatest gifts you can give you children.  

Here are some examples of how to correct the Not-Minding Behavior:

The Corrections for Not-Minding:

1.  The “Physical Assist” is a correction for Not-Minding. It is a way to help children learn to follow reasonable commands. This correction is more appropriate for young children.

How to carry out the Physical Assist:
When the child does not mind the first time say, “No.” Then restate the command as you physically lead the child through the task. There are a wide variety of ways to physically assist a child: from walking toward a child, to standing very close to the child, to touching the child lightly on the shoulder, to actually picking up the child and removing him or her. The main idea is to use your own body in a non-verbal way to help the child do what you have asked her to do. Use as little physical force as you possibly can. Very often, just the knowledge that the adult is right there, only a few feet away and ready to step in, is enough of a physical assist to convince the child it is time to carry out the command. Do not restate the command more than once. Say nothing else throughout the physical assist procedure. Try to remember not to get too emotionally involved. Remember this is not a punishment. This is a teaching method. There should be no non-verbal message of anger. The non-verbal message to the child should be a matter-of-fact statement that, “This must be done. This is the way things are.”

When the physical assist is finished, go back to whatever you were doing. Do not mention anything about what just happened. Talking about the misbehavior is perceived by the child as demeaning, a way of “rubbing their face in it.” Talking about the misbehavior in any way will set up a power struggle in which the child will attempt to protect their inner integrity by disobeying you again. When the incident is over, let it be over. As soon as the child exhibits the slightest neutral or positive behavior, immediately reinforce the new behavior with friendly eye contact or touch or word.

2. Chastisement

Chastisement is also a correction for Not-Minding when a child does not obey even with the physical assist or the child is too old to need a physical assist and is choosing to willfully disobey.

1 Samuel 3:13-14 “For I told him that I would judge his family forever because of the sin he knew about; his sons made themselves contemptible, and he failed to restrain them. Therefore, I swore to the house of Eli, ‘The guilt of Eli’s house will never be atoned for by sacrifice or offering.’”

2 Samuel 7:14 “I will be his father and he will be my son. When he does wrong, I will punish him with the rod of men, with floggings inflicted by men.”

Proverbs 13:24 He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.

Proverbs 19:18 Discipline your son, for in that there is hope: so do not be willing party to his death.

*Proverbs 22:15 Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.

*Proverbs 23:13-14 Do not withhold discipline from a child: if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.

*Proverbs 29:15 The rod of correction imparts wisdom but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.

These verses make it clear that chastisement is biblical. “Punish him with a rod” and “with floggings inflicted by men,” is not just guiding him with a shepherd’s staff or protecting him from wolves, it is a spanking. I don’t believe that every Christian has to use chastisement, as long as they are able to restrain their child (1 Samuel 3:13-14). There are plenty of methods available for godly parenting, accomplishing the goal of providing children with the desire and ability to follow God. But chastisement is a biblical method, condoned by God.

However, the Bible does not condone all types of spanking. Sometimes parents spank as a “last resort,” after the tension of the situation has gotten very high, and the parent is very angry. In this case spanking is done more for the parent than the child, the parent is fed up and feels the need to express the extent of their anger towards the child. The parent then feels a sense of release through the spanking. This is completely inappropriate and unbiblical. Biblical chastisement is for the child’s training. The parent must never chastise out of anger or frustration. The parent must always exhibit self-control. The parent must never swat a child in public or in front of other people at all. Chastisement is only to be done in specific circumstances with a specific goal of changing the child’s mind about who is in authority and his attitude of willfulness.

I believe this is a balanced view. Here are some instructions for those who choose to use chastisement.

Chastisement is a correction for children who have already learned what is expected of them but refuse to obey. It means to inflict pain with controlled force to amend an inner attitude and is needed when a child refuses to obey. Chastisement should only be done with the righteous goal of shaping the child’s heart. The parent needs to explain to the child that they are going to receive chastisement to help them remember to obey next time, in a calm and matter of fact way. Chastisement should only be administered to the hand or bottom, never anywhere else on the body. When it is over, it’s over, consider the matter closed and move on. You can tell the child that you love them, give them a hug and tell them that they can come out when they are ready. The discipline is over, they do not need any relational distance as a punishment. Don’t sabotage yourself by bringing up the disobedience again.

The next blog will address the corrections for Self-Indulgent behavior.

Do you realize that you may be sabotaging your own discipline of your children? Many parents do not even realize that the way in which they handle the rules of the house, has a direct impact on the effectiveness of their parenting.

Passionate Legacy Principle #4: Make the rules of the house clear and consistent. Have only a few rules, and make sure they are clear to everyone and enforced without fail. They should be written, posted, and reviewed often. Choose your “hills to die on” and stick with them. Don’t make rules just for your convenience, every rule should have a strong basis for its existence, whether safety, morality, or respect for others.

Ephesians 6:4 says not to exasperate your children. Colossians 3:21 says to not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

There are several ways we exasperate our children and sabotage our own discipline.

Unclarity
One way that we can exasperate our children is by not having clear rules and guidelines. Parents need to make sure that their children know what specific guidelines they are expected to live by. They should be written, posted, and reviewed often. Children are exasperated if a rule was never communicated but they are punished for breaking it. Children also need to be aware of what consequences will follow if they do not follow these rules. If you communicate ahead of time, then they are not surprised by the consequence and will be more likely to understand that justice is being done. They ‘earned’ the consequence by choosing not to follow the rule. Being obedient is an impossible task if they are unsure of what the rules are. Children will not determine in their heart to follow the guidelines unless clear guidelines have been communicated.

Inconsistency
Billy is standing on the coffee table while his mom talks on the phone 10 feet away. Fifteen minutes later, mom hangs up the phone and says, “Billy, get off that coffee table!” Billy has now learned that standing on the coffee table is okay as long as mom is busy talking.

It can be exasperating to children when parents allow them to break the rules sometimes, but not other times. We must enforce all rules consistently. This is important because if sometimes they are punished for breaking a rule and other times it is overlooked, they will not take the rule, or the rule-giver, seriously. It will seem to them as not actually wrong if their parents only see it as wrong part of the time. They will be exasperated that the parents knew about it and overlooked it the other times but now they are being punished. This will be seen as fair – and it is! If they feel they are being mistreated they will become embittered.

Joking is another means of inconsistency. Authority is not a game. Never joke in your use of authority. It sends a confusing message. It makes it hard to trust and respect your words. Make your word valuable by meaning what you say and saying what you mean, if you don’t, your word means nothing and your rules are powerless. Your consistency will make your words either garbage or gold. Children will eventually learn to overlook your instructions if you earn a reputation of not really meaning what you say, joking about being angry, or joking about abusing your authority. It makes your authority into a mockery and you will lose the trust of your children.

Too many rules
Too many rules can also be exasperating. If your child is failing in 17 different areas he will have no motivation to change because it is too overwhelming. Focus on only a few problem areas and carefully consider if you should really make rules about small things such as: turning off the lights, clothes in laundry, etc. Focus on the biggest issues in your child’s life such as lying, stealing, not doing homework, etc. Wait until he is doing well in the big areas before you focus on the small issues.

Arbitrary, selfish, or “because I said so” rules
Arbitrary rules can embitter children. Demanding that they serve you just because they are smaller will embitter them toward your authority. I have seen parents who are watching TV, tell a child, “Go get me a pop from the fridge, now!” This was not asking politely for a favor, but a harsh demand. This parent is teaching his kids that authority figures use (abuse) their power for personal, selfish interests. Making rules only for your convenience rather than morality or safety will also embitter them. If you cannot think of a good, meaningful reason for a rule or a request, perhaps you should reconsider it.

Jesus made our rules pretty simple, “Love God with everything you are, and love others as yourself.” We should take a page from His playbook with it comes to keeping things simple for our kids.

Lucy was having a sleepover at Sophie’s house. She brought a PG-13 movie over for them to watch. After examining the movie, Sophie’s mother told the girls she had decided the movie was not appropriate for them to watch, so she gave them several other movie choices, then left the house to run errands. After she left, Lucy tried to talk Sophie into watching the forbidden movie, “OK, now that she’s gone, lets watch the movie.” Sophie was surprised. They were told not to, so that settled it in her mind. So she replied “But my mom just said not to.” But Lucy countered, “I know, but she won’t find out.” Then Sophie replied, “I still don’t feel right about it.” But Lucy explained “It’s OK as long as we don’t get caught.”

We all know people with “external morality,” or “situational morality.” These are people who make behavioral decisions based on who is around at the time and what the personal consequences will be. Many of these people actually believe that there is no moral standard; there is only what works for me personally in the moment. “As long as no consequences or harm comes to me personally, I can do anything I want.” “I am not concerned with the basic rightness or wrongness of it.” Does your child have an internal moral compass that does not allow him or her to sin, even when no one is looking? That’s what “getting to the heart” is all about. We can think that we are doing well because our kids fear punishment, but training is not about fearing punishment, it is about loving what is right. How can you train your child to look at the moral reasons before she looks at the practical reasons when making decisions? How can we show them that pleasing God is more important than feeling good?

Passionate Legacy Principle #3: Aim for the heart. The goal of parenting is to instill a desire and ability to love God and obey Him. Our primary job is to motivate our children to obey God out of a love for God and a love for what is right. Our secondary job is to equip them with the tools to be able to accomplish this with success. We must be careful not to train children only in the “avoidance of punishment.” That’s not reaching the heart. We want them to be motivated by love for God. A child who loves to do right will love God, and a child who loves God will love to do right.

The primary consideration in early parenting is the child’s heart and not simply outward behavior. The heart is the center of who we are and the director of our behavior. Psalm 139:23 tells us that the heart is the part of us that God looks at and searches. Jeremiah 17:9 says that the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond all cure. Proverbs 22:15 says that a child’s heart is filled with foolishness. If we as parents are going to reach our children for Christ, we will have to find a way to reach their hearts.

Ways to Instruct the Heart

1. Introduce children to a love relationship with God. Our love for God is motivated out of gratefulness for His sacrifice for us. Obedience to God’s commands (which includes loving others and obedience to authority) is motivated by love for God. So, our children first need to experience God’s forgiveness and restoration, then they will have an internal heart motivation to please Him, out of love and gratitude.
2. Be passionate in your own love for God and His ways, and be consistent in your obedience to His ways. Example motivates the heart.
3. Be an example of good authority rather than corrupt authority. By only giving children commands with pure motivations and good reasons, we teach our children that God has good reasons for His commands and that He is trustworthy. It is hard to follow rules when the people who made them seem to be untrustworthy, arbitrary, inconsistent or incompetent. It is even harder if they are rude or even mean. By treating children with respect as we lead, we teach children that God is loving and good. We need to be an authority that is easy to follow, because we want our children to find it easy to follow God. We want to make our children’s first experience with God’s holy law a good one. We want them to be internally motivated to see authority as good and right.
4. Explain the reasons for rules. Help children understand that rules are not just arbitrary, but that they are there because of safety, love for others, or purity. They are there for the good of all people. There is a difference between knowing what is right and knowing why it’s right. Young children who know what is right may only be motivated to do what is right when they know there will be a consequence, but as they get older, children will need to understand why it is right in order to be internally motivated to do the right thing regardless of who is watching. Knowing why it is right motivates the heart.
5. When children disobey, help them to see the problem in their heart and help them to mend relationships with God and others. Be willing to spend time with them as they explore their motivations, wrong actions, guilty feelings, and desire to make it right. Be on their side as they fight against their sinful natures. As we discipline, we need to make sure we are not doing so in anger. Discipline is for the purpose of developing the self-control children need to bring their behavior in line with God’s holy standards. It is not for the purpose of making our lives easier or because their behavior makes us angry. Anger causes the tension to be between ourselves and the child, but the tension needs to be between the child and his wrong action which was born out of a foolish heart. Discipline should cause the child to be internally motivated to follow God’s law in the future, if the discipline is not causing this then the methods need to be reexamined.
6. Give lots of instruction in how to live according to biblical standards. In Proverbs 4:20-27, Solomon instructs his son to guard his heart, to keep perverse and corrupt talk away from his lips, and to stay on the path of obedience to God. Holy living does not come naturally, it has to be taught. Our culture is doing a great job teaching us how to live according to our sinful nature. Training our children how to live according to God’s standards is a sacrifice of our time, but it must be our highest priority. Our children’s hearts must be instructed, before they can live out the heart-knowledge of God’s moral principles.

This week, we address another question that was sent to us by a reader.

Q: “I have a 21 month old daughter and every time I put her in her high chair she throws the food she doesn’t want on the floor. She eats for a little while and plays with her food and then just starts throwing it on the floor. At this point we have a dining set on order, but for the last 6 months my husband and I have been eating at our island/bar in the kitchen and she eats on a space saver high chair on a 3rd bar stool. We all eat at the same time and without fail every dinner is interrupted by her crying and throwing her food. I have tried telling her “no, no”, swatting her hand and just taking her food away when she throws the first piece, but nothing seems to work. Am I being realistic by expecting her to behave appropriately at dinner?”

A: No, you are not being unrealistic. She is old enough to be trained to have good table manners. In fact, if she is not trained now in positive mealtime behaviors you will only have to work harder later to help her unlearn bad habits. For younger babies, I would recommend teaching her sign language for “all done” and “more please”. But since she is 21 months I will guess that she is verbal.

You will have to devote your full attention to all of baby’s mealtimes for a time, while you go through the training process. You can’t leave the room even for a second. To train a child to not drop food, give immediate attention to the first offense. First, correct the child verbally. In a calm voice say, “We don’t put our food on the floor.” Next, provide an attention getting squeeze to that hand while pointing out what that little hand just did. Finally, if your instructions are ignored, isolate her in the crib for 2-5 minutes. She will understand the difference between isolation and nap time. When the isolation period is finished, bring her back to the high chair and try again. Don’t show any frustration or exasperation, this is simply a teaching process, you are the teacher and the “dining room” is simply a classroom for student learning. If the child persists in the behavior, repeat the isolation consequence 2 to 3 times, and if it continues, mealtime is over. If you follow this process immediately and consistently you will speed up the learning process. There is no need to show anger or lose your temper during this process, keeping your cool is important. I try to remember that being in control of the situation and being in control of the child, depends on being in control of myself.

You may be concerned that she will starve. She will not. She has a very small tummy and needs a lot less calories than we do. She will eat when she gets hungry. And if she has a hearty appetite when she gets into her seat the next time, she will be more motivated to eat rather than play with her food. Don’t let her eat while she is out of the high chair and don’t let her walk around with milk or juice in a sippy cup between meals. This will fill her up with the wrong balance of calories and cause her to be too full to eat the balanced diet that she needs, and will sabotage the whole teaching process.

All other high chair violations, such as flipping the plate, playing with food, messy hands in hair, banging on the tray, standing in the high chair, spitting “raspberries”, screaming, etc. are handled in a similar way. Start with a verbal warning “No, don’t touch your plate”, “No, keep your food in your mouth,” then continue with the steps explained above.

The key to success in this area, as in all areas of teaching and consequences, is being prompt, consistent and sacrificing what you would like to do – sit and enjoy your meal in peace – to engage in this teaching process. This takes time, effort and energy in the younger years, but it is an investment that will pay off over the long haul.