Category: My Journal

One of the first things that my counselor asked me was “Why do you give him so much power?”  She was referring to the ability that John had, to make me feel stupid.  And how I would become so angry at him for making me feel stupid because, as it turns out, I held a belief that I had no talent or beauty to speak of, but at least I had my intelligence.  My intelligence was the one thing that I thought gave me value.  I thought I was worthless without it.  So when he made a comment that struck that nerve, it would threaten my whole sense of self-worth.  For example, he would say “I’ve never heard that verse interpreted that way before” and I would hear, “you are stupid”.  I couldn’t feel “ok” about myself if I believed that he believed that I was not intelligent, so I needed him to believe that I was intelligent to feel like I had worth.  When the counselor helped me realize that I had been giving him the power to take away my value, I was shocked.  A lot had to change; I had to find new ways of thinking.   I had to admit that John wasn’t really guilty of “making me” feel stupid.  I had to take responsibility for being so insecure that I was completely dependent on him believing the right things.  It was not fair of me to read into his motives something that was not there, and it was not fair of me to make rules for what he believed. I needed to stop trying to control him.

I needed to release John from the role of providing me a positive view of myself.  I could no longer rely on John as my source of confidence.  It should never be a goal to change anyone or the way they think.  I am releasing this goal.  It is a desire that I will take to God.  I can’t change the way John thinks about me.  I need to know the truth about myself and not give anyone the power to change that.  I need to be “ok” regardless of what others think of me.  I am going to release my need to protect my weaknesses and take the attitude of the ditzy blonde that is not embarrassed by not knowing things.

I see now that I was evaluating my value based on the wrong things.  I am not valuable because of my positive traits; I am valuable because of the personhood inside of me that was made in the image of God, because God chose me and adopted me, because Jesus sacrificed his life for me, because God has given me a significant purpose in life.  Because of these things I am valuable and I can esteem myself well.

I have always believed that God loved me, but that didn’t mean I was lovable.  I didn’t see God’s love as providing my value.  Now I believe that I am completely valuable, and yet, I am only valuable because of God, not because of myself. So with my acknowledgement of my self-worth, comes a healthy humility.

Now I think- “maybe I am intelligent/gifted/pretty, maybe I’m not” but I don’t have the feeling that my value is somehow threatened if I’m not.  I feel secure in the stability of receiving my value from the right place.

My new found security has allowed me to be able to love and serve others in a way that I couldn’t before.  I wasn’t able to minister to John because I was too busy trying to protect my crippled self-worth.  I was empty and had nothing to give.  But when all of my needs for love and acceptance are met by God, I am full, and I can give out of the overflow.

10 years ago I snapped my Achilles tendon and had to have surgery to repair it.  After surgery I couldn’t walk at all, I didn’t even have crutches.  The day after surgery I was all alone and I had to drag myself on the floor to get to the bathroom, get food, or get my medications.

I felt completely alone, abandoned, and rejected by my friends, family, church, and everyone.  I called my friend in Portland in tears because I was feeling depressed and alone.

Just a couple of years ago I was telling this story, and my friend Crystal was there, and she said, “Wait a minute, I brought you a meal!”

As I have reevaluated that experience I realized that people DID reach out, but I rewrote history to match my feelings.  Now I remember Crystal’s meal, and that my pastor called me, and that my Life group leader asked if I needed meals, and I said “no”.  I felt so abandoned that I forgot about any of the positives of that time.  I looked at the experience through a lens of pain and it blinded me to anything that contradicted my feelings.  I took note of the negatives but not the positives.

I learned several things from Crystal’s awareness opportunity.

Sometimes I’m hurt, but nobody hurt me. I want someone to be responsible for the pain, but there doesn’t need to be a guilty party every time I feel hurt.  I felt abandoned, but that doesn’t mean that anyone really abandoned me.  It was just my own feelings.

Sometimes my hurt feelings are caused by my own insecurities. I might feel like I’m not worth people’s time, so when people don’t reach out, I hear them saying “You don’t matter,” when they never said that or communicated that in any way.  It is my own voice that I am wrestling with.  Or you could say Satan’s voice.

When I expect people to reject me, they do. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. I do things that set them up.  I treat them like they will, and then they do.  I hardly told anyone about the surgery.  I didn’t ask anyone for help; I expected them to be mind-readers.  And I expected that no one would reach out.  And because I expected to see rejection, that’s exactly what I got.

Expectations set me up to be disappointed. I decide what people should do, and make a rule that that’s what good people do, and then when they don’t, I convict them. I call it rejection.  And I feel rejection. Since then I have learned the skill of turning every expectation into a desire.  A desire is something that I would like, but I don’t have to have. I may ask for something but I don’t treat it like a rule.  So if someone doesn’t meet a desire, I’m OK with that, and not hurt by it.  Expectations just set me up to be angry or hurt when I am disappointed.

I realized that I never asked anyone for any help. My huge revelation was that if I had asked anyone for help, I would have had a houseful of help.  My phone would have been ringing off the hook, I would have had more food in my refrigerator than it could hold, and I would have had 10 personal assistants.  I know that’s the truth, but I never thought about it that way, because I was viewing the situation through a lens of pain and “victim”, and I didn’t want to see a contradictory story.  I felt rejection by people who weren’t even given the chance to reach out.

Thank you for the meal Crystal! It really brought healing to my life!

For years John and I repeated the same patterns.  He would do something or not do something, I would feel like he didn’t love me and become angry.  No matter how many times he told me that he loved me, I never believed him.  I thought that he was just being a good person and loving me out of duty.  The most consistent fight was over his being late for dinner.  I felt that it was proof that he did not love me.  We tried to work it out on our own but we couldn’t, so we started meeting with another pastor couple.  They listened and encouraged us.  The wife recognized that I had low self-esteem and gave me some verses to memorize about God’s love.  It was while I was thinking about God’s love that I realized that I was not believing that I was worthy of love because I had never been loved.  It didn’t matter how much John actually loved me, I would have never believed him, because the problem was inside of me.  I had always thought that I believed that God loved me, but it didn’t make a difference in my life because I didn’t realize that love made me valuable.  So I didn’t really like myself and I was convinced I wasn’t worth loving by anyone else.  As a child I felt that my parents never told me they loved me, never spent time with me, never came to any of my cross country meets or any other important events in my life.  I used to beg my dad to teach me to golf or how to fish because he had taught my brother, but he always refused.  My parents hardly ever even talked to me.  When we needed medical attention my parents never seemed to notice. We would just suffer with disease until our school called home.  They didn’t protect us from people who they should have protected us from.  I was so angry because of the pain of not being loved by anyone.  So I believed that all of John’s actions of love were only out of duty because he could not possibly truly love me, because deep down I believed I was not valuable enough to love.   When I realized this false belief, I began to accept John’s love as genuine.  I realized that I was deeply hurt, but the hurt wasn’t caused by John.  I had been angry at the wrong person.  I was punishing him for my own insecurity.  I needed to resolve the hurt so that I didn’t have to live an angry life any more.

I started really working on the question of where our value comes from and realized I had been trying to get my sense of value from the opinions of the people around me.  I have finally come to terms with the fact that people don’t get to tell me my value, I am simply valuable because God created all human beings with value.  It can’t be taken away by anyone but it also can’t be earned.  My value is a gift from God and I am completely dependent on Him for it.  I have become very realistic about my weaknesses and inability to be “good” and yet I still believe I am immensely valuable and worthy of love.  My dad doesn’t get to tell me by his treatment of me that I am not worth anything.  The belief that he could, is a lie.  God is the only one who gets to assign my worth.  Worth also does not come through our own accomplishments such as physical appearance, popularity, intelligence, wealth, competence, ability, talents, grades or success.  It feels like it does, but it doesn’t.  I am only valuable because of God’s love and I am completely valuable because of God’s love.  There is no one who is more valuable or less valuable than anyone else, all people are valuable simply because they are made in the image of God and are deeply loved by Him.  Brad Pitt is equal in value to Nick Vujicic (a paraplegic); the homeless or disabled person is equal to the president of the United States; there is no room for comparison.  We can never be more or less valuable than anyone else.

God has become the loving father that I never had.  I have reclaimed the true meaning of father.  I choose not to allow my dad to define ”father” for me anymore.  I am choosing now to allow The Father’s love to transform me in a way I never did before.  I have become completely dependent on His view of me.  I have a set of verses that I read every day to remind me.  When I don’t go to God for the truth, I slip back into believing I have to earn love, or rely on people propping up my insecurity, or be good at something to be worth anything.  God reminds me that love is unconditional, and love gives me value that cannot be taken.

I have agreed with God that a father should love his girls well and that my father is guilty of not doing that. Yet I have also accepted that I am equally deserving of judgment, God is the only rightful judge, and I have received the free gift of forgiveness. So I really can’t withhold forgiveness from anyone else without becoming ungrateful and callous to the forgiveness I have received.

Another thing I learned through counseling was that blaming my parents for the way I turned out was keeping me from growing.  Although it is true that their neglect did result in my lack of social skills, a low view of myself, and mistrust of people’s motives towards me, I had to take responsibility for learning how to grow in those areas.  These shortcomings were not my fault as a child but as an adult they are my responsibility to take ownership of and do the hard work of changing my thinking, my behavior, and become an emotionally, relationally, and spiritually healthy person.  When I was holding my parents responsible I could just dislike myself and feel sorry for myself, but when I took ownership of my own brokenness, it opened my eyes to my part in perpetuating these things in my life. I realized that I could change myself and I didn’t have to be a slave to their mistakes. Whether they apologized or not, or changed or not or even acknowledged it or not, I am choosing to not allow them to have so much power over my life.

I am learning to own my part in my poor self- image, angry behavior, bitter attitude, pride, etc.  It’s no longer my parent’s issue, its mine.  I am responsible for who I am and how I behave.  I need to be secure enough in myself to be able to allow others to be who they are, warts and all, and not let it affect how I feel about myself.  When I am secure in myself I don’t have to require that people around me build me up, think well of me, or like me, etc.  If their differences upset me, there is something wrong inside of me rather than them.  Security in God means that nothing and no one can shake my belief that I am “OK”, I am loved, and I am worth something.  Taking responsibility for my own behavior does not mean that other people aren’t responsible for their behavior, it just means they are responsible to God rather than to me.  I can’t control others anyway so it is best to give up trying.  It is amazing how much love I have to give others when I am completely secure in myself because of God, and I can love them even though they don’t think or act the way I think they should.

All of my life I have struggled with talking to people, making friends, and just being social in any way.  I tried so hard to understand why, because I really wanted to change but didn’t know how.  I thought maybe I was just born that way.  Maybe it was just the personality that I inherited.  I was just shy.  But then I started to doubt that, because in some situations I am a leader and very outgoing.  I started to believe that maybe the issue was just a lack of social skills.  I grew up in a family that did not talk at all.  Both my parents were very quiet and very solitary.  We never had company and we didn’t talk at all as a family.   Maybe I just had big gaps in my knowledge of normal social behavior.  When I started seeing a counselor, I realized how much more complicated the issue really was.  As a child I interpreted my parent’s behavior toward me and came to conclusions about my value and how to survive in the world.  I came up with some strategies that helped me through childhood but now sabotage every possibility of relationship.

I believed that my parents did not want me.  I felt rejected and abandoned by them.  I believed that they thought I was bad.  I believed that they saw me as a burden.  I concluded that I was not worth loving.

As a child, I thought that if people really knew me they would find out how worthless I was, so I didn’t risk reaching out for relationship. That way I could protect myself from ever having to experience rejection again.

I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone.

Burden; that is what I thought I was to everyone.

That is my number one agreement- I will never be a burden to anyone again.  I will never need love or anything from anyone.  And I will not push myself on anyone because I am a burden.  I will not put them in that position and I will not put myself in that position.

I thought the only way anyone would ever be my friend was out of pity and I didn’t want anyone’s pity.

I thought there was nothing good about me that anyone would want.

I never responded to peoples attempts to reach out to me because I didn’t want to impose my yucky self on anyone. I believed it was a matter of time before they found out, so I didn’t let them in.

I was convinced that I did not need any relationships, and that I was just fine without anyone.

I didn’t know that I had these commitments and beliefs buried deep inside, and that they were guiding everything.  It wasn’t conscious thought, it would just happen automatically, I would just shut down any communication with people.  But there was a whole other side of me that was becoming dissatisfied with not having relationships and I was beginning to recognize my loneliness.  And I hated that I could not talk to people or make friends.   But I didn’t know why it was so hard, but now I know.

I have learned that I gave my parents the power to define my value, and I am learning to take it back.  My value isn’t based on what anyone thinks of me.  My value is a gift from God and it is not dependent on anything that I do.

Since I have begun to believe the truth of my value, I have taken more risks.  I have joined bible study groups, and risked friendships, and put myself out there for people to reject.  The most amazing thing that has happened, is that instead of experiencing rejection, I have experienced acceptance. I didn’t think people would be able to see past my awkward behavior to the real me, but they can, and they still accept me.

My view of relationships has changed in a huge way.  I always acted like I didn’t need people and I could care less if anyone liked me or talked to me.  I developed a skill of invisibility.  I could get in and get out without ever being noticed.  If people reached out, I gave one word answers.  I thought “they don’t need me, and I don’t need them, and it doesn’t matter”.  Not only do I now believe that relationships are important, I believe that relationships are one of the most important things in life.  I believe that we were created for relationship.  I believe that I can benefit from knowing people and that they can benefit from knowing me.  People are valuable to me, and I am valuable to them.  We need each other.  We grow and thrive through human connection.  We were made to pour love and acceptance into the lives of others, and sadly I wasted most of my life so far being so busy protecting myself from pain that I didn’t have anything to give anyone. With God’s help I hope to change that.