Author: jgolling

Have you ever played a game with someone who kept changing the rules? Have you ever worked for a boss who was unclear about what was expected of you? Or what was acceptable at one time was now all of a sudden unacceptable? This can be frustrating at best and exasperating at worst. And yet, many times we as parents exasperate our own children and sabotage our discipline through lack of clarity in rules and inconsistency in enforcement.

Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

This leads us to Passionate Legacy Principle #4: Make the rules of the house clear and consistent. Have only a few rules that are clear to everyone and enforce them without fail. They should be written, posted, and reviewed often. Choose your “hills to die on” and stick with them. Don’t make rules just for your convenience, every rule should have a strong basis for its existence, whether safety, morality, or respect for others.

Are you exasperating your children by allowing them to break rules sometimes, but not other times? Which of your rules do you tend to enforce inconsistently? Are they sometimes punished for running in the house, but other times you are just too tired to try to enforce that rule?

Is your list of rules so long that no one would be able to remember them all? What are the rules of your house? Do you and your spouse agree on them? Do you agree on punishments for breaking each one?

We have a list of rules that we keep posted on our fridge as a reminder to all of us. Here is what it looks like:

The _________________ Family Rules

1. Love God and Love others

2. Obey the first time

3. Do not hurt (use your words or get a grown up)

4. To not take

5. Do not lie

6. Do not argue with Mom or Dad

7. Do not whine

8. Do not yell at others

9. Do not say hurtful words

10. If you get something out, put it away when you are done

As kids get older, they need to be reminded of the principles behind the rules (that you have been teaching them verbally all along). Here is a sample list of rules for older kids and teens that is more principle-based.

The __________________ Family Rules

1. Love God and love others

2. Be cooperative in attitude and actions (obey without argument)

3. Be honest

4. Be respectful

5. Be responsible (at home and at school)

6. Clean up after yourself

We have a more complete list of rules for young kids and principles for teens that includes Scripture verses and explanations to be covered with your children available by clicking THIS LINK.

I encourage you to download this document, adapt it to your family, put your family name on the top and print it and post it in your home. Review it regularly with your kids and just see what happens!

Question:

I am needing some guidance on how to handle my son in not doing his school work. I have taken his DS, Gameboy, and PS2 all away from him. Plus, he is also not able to test for a new belt in martial arts until he starts improving and owning his school work and responsibilities. I just do not know what else I can do. Can you please give me some other things that I may try on him?

Answer:

There are several steps that need to be followed. It will not be easy or quick, but if you put in the time, effort and consistency, it will pay off in the long run.

1. Find out if he is able to do the work. The only way to find this out is to actually sit with him and help him with his homework. Is he capable of this level of work? Are the assignments clear? Can he read the instructions? Is he able to stay focused? I have helped my kids with their homework before and found that something was not clear from the teacher. I worked closely with the teacher through phone and email until we got it worked out.

Once you have insured that he can do it, you do not need to sit and watch over him. Get up, tell him to call you if he has a question, then go about your business. You don’t want him to pretend he doesn’t understand to get the attention of you sitting there walking him through it.

2. Is there an environment and routine conducive to study? Are there distractions that need to be eliminated (TV, music, etc.)? Does he have a set time to work on homework? Our kids come home from school, sit at the table and eat a snack for 10 minutes to unwind from the day, then it is homework time for everyone. We do not deviate from this schedule. It is structured, predictable and stable. If you are not home during the after school hours, then this will have to be adjusted (immediately after dinner may work best). He needs a regular time, every day, with you available to ask questions when he needs it, and to help him stay focused. I do not know any elementary or junior high school-age boy who can sit and stay focused on homework without supervision!

3. Once the above are done, then you can set up incentives for good work and consequences for poor work. Work closely with his teacher through email or phone to get a weekly report on any missing work. A note from the teacher doesn’t always make it home, so if Friday comes, and you don’t get the “missing-work-report” you have no idea if he completed his assignments. If you get an email on Friday that everything was turned in, perhaps you take him to ice cream. If you find that he has missing assignments, then he has to work on those assignments and some privilege is taken away or there is restriction to his room for an appropriate amount time. These consequences should be clear and consistently enforced. If you say, “no PS2 for a week” then follow through. I would recommend the consequence last until work is caught up. Consequences must also be delivered with no anger or lecturing. You don’t need to remind him, “you could be out playing with your friends right now if you had done your school work” or “you could be having TV time if you finished all your assignments.” The consequences speak for themselves. He knows these things already and this type of lecturing makes him irritated with you instead of himself and sabotages the discipline.

4. Watch your own attitude. You are on his side. You want him to succeed. This is not a battle of you against him, it is you coming alongside him, being his coach and encourager to help him accomplish a good goal. Badgering, lecturing, shaming, and cajoling are not going to motivate him, and will not serve to build a positive relationship. Taking the time get to the bottom of the problem (step 1), giving him the environment to succeed (step 2), and being his cheerleader and accountability (step 3), all done with an attitude of love and understanding will show him that you are his greatest ally in this adventure called life and responsibility.

5. Finally, be an example. Do you value a “job well done”? What is your work ethic? Do you come home complaining about your responsibilities at work or your boss or obstacles you face? Those are all part of life and how you handle them will be an example to your kids of how they should handle similar challenges.

Once again, it will not be easy, but if you can do these steps with consistency, change will happen.

Have you ever been faced with a rule that you didn’t want to obey? Or a situation with someone in authority that frustrated you? Have you ever had a boss, teacher or authority figure for whom you had no respect or trust? What made it difficult to obey the rule or follow the direction of that person in authority? While in seminary, I worked at the UPS warehouse (Hub) in Portland, OR. I had some good supervisors there, but there was one that I remember who would scream and yell and belittle his workers. I noticed that it didn’t really work to improve the efficiency of the operation and only caused resentment and lack of enthusiasm for the job among his employees. In the same way, we as parents often sabotage our own discipline! To prevent this we need to aim for the heart in teaching our children. Here are some examples:

Sabotage: Having rules that are unclear or seem to have no basis.

Aim for the Heart: Teaching them the moral principle behind the rule, make the rules clear and enforce them consistently.

Sabotage: Sending a mixed message with our actions. For example: If I tell my kids to obey the rules, but I routinely break the speed limit. Or if I tell my kids to respect their teacher, but I bad mouth the cop who just gave me a ticket. These send a real mixed message between what I say and what I do.

Aim for the Heart: Set an example for your kids of adherence to the rules.

Sabotage: We lose their respect when we lose our temper and fail to be in control of our anger. We lose their trust when we make rules or give commands or discipline out of selfishness. For example: we say, “You are driving me crazy with your constant whining!” Wait a second. Should your child not whine because it bothers you? This statement makes your comfort and happiness the reason for the request to not whine.

Aim for the Heart: We gain our child’s respect by being in control of our own emotions. We gain their trust when they know we have their best interest in mind. Trust times respect equals influence (remember that formula). We teach our kids not to whine because it is a self-indulgent and ineffective form of asking for a need or want to be met. We need to teach them to ask politely for that need or want to be met, and then how to take “no” for an answer.

When a 1 year old reaches for an electrical outlet, a slap on the hand and a stern “no” is how we teach her that this outlet is off limits. With consistency she develops an association between what is off limits and the pain of discipline. This is fine for very young ages, but as the child gets older, we hope for something better.

Aim at the heart. The goal of parenting is to instill a desire and ability to love God and obey him. Our primary job is to motivate our children to obey God out of a love for Him and a love for what is right. Our secondary job is to equip them with the tools to be able to accomplish this with success (like helping them build a strong “self control” muscle, see this post). We must be careful not to train children only in the avoidance of punishment, that’s not reaching the heart; we want them to be motivated by convictions that are based on biblical principles. Note the connection between parental teaching, the heart, and the rest of life as described in Proverbs 4:20-23 …

My son, pay attention to what I say;
listen closely to my words.
Do not let them out of your sight,
keep them within your heart;
for they are life to those who find them
and health to a man’s whole body.
Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
(NIV, emphasis added)

There are several things we do as parents that sabotage our training of the heart. For example, when we tell our children to do something, “because I said so” or “because I’m the dad.” Or when we threaten punishment if they do the wrong thing instead of giving them the moral principle behind the rule or command. Throwing garbage out the window of a car is against the law and can result in a fine … if you get caught. But if I teach my kids that littering is disrespectful to the environment that God has given us, it is disrespectful to the people who have to look at it, it is not honoring the people who will have to clean up after me, and it says, “I am more important than them, they can pick it up,” they will begin to see the moral principle behind the rule. There really are moral implications to littering and they tie back to those foundational rules of life: love God and love others. Now that I understand this, it’s no longer a matter of getting caught, respecting others and God’s creation is part of my inventory of values.

Next week: More tips on Aiming for the Heart

Can you imagine a teacher yelling as he teaches the times tables to his fourth grade class? Or getting red-faced and frustrated as he diagrams a sentence on the board? That’s absurd! And the students, although not particularly excited about multiplication and nouns and adjectives know that these things are really just part of school and school is part of life. A good teacher tries to keep a good attitude as she hands out assignments. The effective instructor sees himself as an ally to his student, using creativity and effort to do all he can to reach his apprentice with the knowledge he seeks to impart.

When we begin to see discipline this way, then it changes the tone and climate of our parental discipline. I call my two year old over to lay down on the changing pad. He refuses. I call him over again and explain, “if you don’t come now, you will get a time out.” This is not an empty threat, it is the promise of a teaching tool. He still doesn’t come. I get up and move toward him … he comes running to lay down on the changing pad, but it’s too late. This is not first-time-obedience (we will talk more about that later) so the time out is administered. Please see the post from March 28 (Be Prepared with the Proper Discipline) for step by step instructions on giving a 2-year-old a time out. But this discipline is a normal part of the teaching process, it does not have to be a source of anger and frustration if you can see it from this perspective.

“But, I forgot.”

A very popular method of attempting to get out of a consequence is saying, “I forgot.” Let’s say you have a rule that homework left at school results in no TV that night. Or you that if you leave your cereal bowl on the table, you are charged a cleaning-fee of 50 cents out of your allowance. In each of these cases when the consequences are applied, the child says, “But that’s nor fair, I forgot.” You simply explain, “then hopefully this consequence will help you to remember next time. I know you forgot, I am not mad and you’re not in trouble, this is just to help you learn.”

This concept of “I’m not mad and you’re not in trouble, these are just the consequences to help you learn,” can alleviate a mountain of unnecessary screaming, yelling and arguing. By the way, once this has been explained, if the arguing continues, there is a consequence for the arguing separate from the original discipline.

Next week: Aim for the Heart … the true goal of discipline.

Do you ever feel like you are in a battle with your kids? From toddler to teenager there are many times when you may feel like your house is an all out war zone. If we can consistently apply today’s principle, we can change this trend!

The principle sounds simple: “Put the tension where it belongs,” but it is extremely powerful. Here is a recent example from our house.

A coat is left in the living room that belongs hung up in the entryway. Our kids get $2 per week for allowance and if they leave a coat out, they are charged 25 cents. We see the coat, we mark on the dry erase board on the fridge (if you don’t have one, get one) the child’s name and “-25 cents” and we put a post-it note on the coat laying on the floor that also says “-25 cents” and we don’t say a word. When the note is discovered, she tries to ask for an exception. I simply say, “The rule is: when a coat is left out, it is minus 25 cents.” I don’t lecture or scold or make any other comment. There is no arguing, no fighting, no bickering. The consequences speak for themselves. I am on her side, I don’t want her to loose any allowance, the tension is not between me and her, it is between her and the temptation to drop the coat where it doesn’t belong. I want her to win. I am using a logical consequence as a teaching tool.

Another example:

Let’s say the rule for your teen is to leave a note if he goes somewhere after school. He forgets. Let’s say the consequence for forgetting is not going out for the next two days. He comes home and you say very simply, with no emotion, no anger, no tension, “You didn’t leave a note as to where you were going, so, no going out for the next two days.” The battle is on, but it is NOT between you and him. You can honestly say, “I want you to be able to go to your friends house every day, but you didn’t leave a note, so you can’t go for the next two days.” Once you have explained this, there is no need to engage in an argument … and don’t let him draw you into an argument. “It’s not fair! You don’t understand! You can’t do that! I can’t miss the party! You hate me!” or worse. Don’t be drawn into the battle. You can say with calmness and sincerity, “I really think after these two days, you won’t forget to leave a note. That’s what I’m hoping for.” After that, you can be completely silent and walk away. He may follow you around the house hounding you. Don’t lecture, don’t yell, don’t get upset. Your self control will be frustrating to him at first, but it is an example to him in the long run. Don’t be afraid to simply be silent and not respond. Leave the tension where it belongs: between him and the tendency to forget something important.

Next week: See the Discipline as Teaching.

I was sent the following question in response to last week’s post:

“So what is ‘proper discipline’ when my 3 year old screams ‘no’ in my face or won’t listen to my request to pick up his toys? Is raising my voice to gain his attention appropriate? What are the alternatives? Thank you.”

I will describe a process that, if applied consistently, will greatly reduce this behavior. I believe it will have good results in the short term, and in the long term, the results will be profound. But it will take time, patience and consistency! You cannot be in a hurry each time this process takes place.

Last week I mentioned 4 steps for taking the anger out of discipline:

We are now on Step 2 , be prepared with the proper discipline. When (not if, but when) my 3 year old screams “no” into my face when I tell him “it is time to clean up toys …”

In a very calm, controlled, yet firm voice I say, “You will not tell daddy ‘no’. You will say ‘yes, daddy’ and you will obey.” Then I show him exactly how to say it, “Yes, daddy” and I expect him to repeat it.

He screams back “NO!”

I calmly say, “then you will have a time out.” I pick him up, take him to a corner and set a timer for 3 minutes (1 minute for each year old of the child). If I have to hold him in the corner for the entire three minutes I will. But I will not say a word for this three minutes, I let the consequences do the teaching at this point.

Then I say in a very calm and positive tone, “It’s time to pick up toys.” And again I model the appropriate response out loud, “Yes, daddy” and I expect him to repeat it and obey. He has a choice at this point: obey or not.

He screams back “NO!” I do the same thing again. I say, “You will not tell daddy ‘no’. You will say ‘yes, daddy’ and you will obey.” Three minutes on the clock. If I have to hold him in the corner I do. But there is no talking, no yelling, no anger, no arguing, I am completely silent.

Each time this interaction takes place the child has a choice. He can say “yes, daddy” and pick up the toys, or he can get another time out. If you use spanking, this could be added to the process (we will talk more on this later). You continue this process until he obeys.

Important points:

You must be in control of your own emotions. You are modeling that for him every step of the way. Don’t get angry, let the discipline speak for itself.

This process MUST be repeated until the goal is achieved. If it takes an hour, it takes an hour. If it takes two hours, so be it. The child must learn that you are in control.

You are teaching self control. It is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child.You are on his side. He is wrestling with his own disobedience and you are his greatest ally in this battle against wrong choices. You are not mad at him, you are on his team helping him conquer his tendency to disobey.

Each time you model for him the appropriate response, “yes, daddy.” This is important.

When the episode is over, it is over. All is forgiven and you can ‘love on him’! Don’t bring it up again. Don’t say, “Why couldn’t you have done it the first time” (more on this later).

Next week: Step 3: Put the tension where it belongs.

All anger has somewhere in its root a blocked goal or an unmet expectation. I want my commute to be smooth and nobody to cut me off in traffic … my expectation is NOT met, now I am angry. I want my children to not whine or argue with me … my expectation is NOT met, now I am upset. Not only am I not in control of my child, I am not in control of myself. If I allow this anger to affect how I discipline my child, it will most likely be counterproductive to the teaching process. Remember anger in a parent only serves to lose the respect of the child. So, how do we take the anger out of discipline? Over the next several weeks, I would like to share 4 steps for taking the anger out of discipline:

1. Expect the misbehavior

2. Be prepared with the proper discipline

3. Put the tension where it belongs

4. See the discipline as teaching

If anger is a result of unmet expectations, then perhaps we would do well to take a good look at our expectations. (This principle can be applied to marriage, work, friendship … any area of life, really.) If my goal and expectation is for my 5 year old to always share his toys and never hit, I will be sorely disappointed. If expect him to need discipline, and I am prepared and ready to administer the discipline, and my goal is for him to learn to obey only after a long process of teaching, then this is a reasonable goal.

Next week: Being prepared for discipline and putting the tension where it belongs.

… and it is us. The greatest barrier to teaching our kids self control is … yup, you and me. Over dinner we say, “You will never believe what my stupid supervisor did today …” Behind the wheel we say, “Hey idiot, get out of my way!” Then later, “That cop was such a jerk to give me that ticket!” What about when you don’t want the phone call, “Tell him I’m not home.” Our kids have just picked up our practices concerning four very important areas of life: submission to authority, patience with others, obeying the law and honesty. Our attitude toward our boss, will become their attitude toward us! Our level of patience, will become their ability to be patient with those around them. If we don’t obey the laws of the land, why would we expect them to obey the rules of the house? And if we allow dishonesty to come from our lips, why are we surprised when they lie to us?

Now here’s the real kicker … we lose our temper with our kids. We allow anger to get the best of us and we yell and engage in battle with one of our children. The problem here is, we have just taught the child how to lose their temper when faced with a difficult situation. On top of that, anger shows the child that the parent is not in control of the situation and not in control of himself, thus the child loses respect for the parent. Do you respect people in authority over you who cannot control their own emotions and anger?

Next time … how do we take the anger out of discipline?

Think about it … the skill of self-control is foundational for all other moral behavior. Your toddler has been told countless times not to take the toy from the other child, but still does it. When it is taken back by force, she knows not to hit, but she does anyway. She has been taught to stay in her bed during nap time, but getting up to play is so much more fun. She has been instructed not to push food off her plate when she is full, but it is a battle at every meal. Self-control is the root from which all other moral behaviors grow.

When my daughter, Beckie, was two, Sandra was pregnant, so we decided to move her out of the crib into the toddler bed so the crib would be available when little sister (Megan) was born. Beckie didn’t want to stay in her bed. So she got up. Over and over and over and over again. And each time she received a spanking. Over and over and over again. I hated that. I prayed that she would stay in bed. I cried as I spanked her. But we held our ground. And eventually it paid off. She learned not to get out of her bed at night. And she never did again. But this was about much more than just staying in bed, it was about self-control verses self-gratification. We all have a “self-control” muscle that, like our other muscles, when exercised becomes stronger.

When we stand our ground and insist that our kids obey us when they are young, we strengthen their self-control muscle. What an amazing gift we can give to our children as we prepare them for adolescence! Think how important that will be later on when the temptations they face are much more dangerous than getting out of bed!

Next time: we look at one of the greatest barriers in teaching our children self-control.