Author: jgolling

This week, we address another question that was sent to us by a reader.

Q: “I have a 21 month old daughter and every time I put her in her high chair she throws the food she doesn’t want on the floor. She eats for a little while and plays with her food and then just starts throwing it on the floor. At this point we have a dining set on order, but for the last 6 months my husband and I have been eating at our island/bar in the kitchen and she eats on a space saver high chair on a 3rd bar stool. We all eat at the same time and without fail every dinner is interrupted by her crying and throwing her food. I have tried telling her “no, no”, swatting her hand and just taking her food away when she throws the first piece, but nothing seems to work. Am I being realistic by expecting her to behave appropriately at dinner?”

A: No, you are not being unrealistic. She is old enough to be trained to have good table manners. In fact, if she is not trained now in positive mealtime behaviors you will only have to work harder later to help her unlearn bad habits. For younger babies, I would recommend teaching her sign language for “all done” and “more please”. But since she is 21 months I will guess that she is verbal.

You will have to devote your full attention to all of baby’s mealtimes for a time, while you go through the training process. You can’t leave the room even for a second. To train a child to not drop food, give immediate attention to the first offense. First, correct the child verbally. In a calm voice say, “We don’t put our food on the floor.” Next, provide an attention getting squeeze to that hand while pointing out what that little hand just did. Finally, if your instructions are ignored, isolate her in the crib for 2-5 minutes. She will understand the difference between isolation and nap time. When the isolation period is finished, bring her back to the high chair and try again. Don’t show any frustration or exasperation, this is simply a teaching process, you are the teacher and the “dining room” is simply a classroom for student learning. If the child persists in the behavior, repeat the isolation consequence 2 to 3 times, and if it continues, mealtime is over. If you follow this process immediately and consistently you will speed up the learning process. There is no need to show anger or lose your temper during this process, keeping your cool is important. I try to remember that being in control of the situation and being in control of the child, depends on being in control of myself.

You may be concerned that she will starve. She will not. She has a very small tummy and needs a lot less calories than we do. She will eat when she gets hungry. And if she has a hearty appetite when she gets into her seat the next time, she will be more motivated to eat rather than play with her food. Don’t let her eat while she is out of the high chair and don’t let her walk around with milk or juice in a sippy cup between meals. This will fill her up with the wrong balance of calories and cause her to be too full to eat the balanced diet that she needs, and will sabotage the whole teaching process.

All other high chair violations, such as flipping the plate, playing with food, messy hands in hair, banging on the tray, standing in the high chair, spitting “raspberries”, screaming, etc. are handled in a similar way. Start with a verbal warning “No, don’t touch your plate”, “No, keep your food in your mouth,” then continue with the steps explained above.

The key to success in this area, as in all areas of teaching and consequences, is being prompt, consistent and sacrificing what you would like to do – sit and enjoy your meal in peace – to engage in this teaching process. This takes time, effort and energy in the younger years, but it is an investment that will pay off over the long haul.

Thank you to everyone who has sent a question in to Passionate Legacy! Keep them coming and we will do our best to get to each of them.

Q: “We recently discovered that our son was being mean and starting to bully other kids in his class. Can you give us some Scripture verses that we can use to approach this?”

A: Let us start by saying that teaching children godly behavior is a life-long process that takes constant teaching and training. Deuteronomy 6 says, “These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.”

Do you hear the constant, persistent nature of this training? You cannot expect to just read a couple verses to your children one day and expect them to be good to go. We find ourselves regularly cover Scriptures with our children, and we print and post them up in prominent places in the house (like the doorframe of the dining room). I would encourage you to print the verses and principles below, and read just a little bit each night with your kids and talk about them together.

Now about bullying:

Bullying is the intimidation of a weaker person: the process of intimidating or mistreating somebody weaker or in a more vulnerable situation.

The Bible says:
Philippians 2:3-4 says “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

Romans 12:3 “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.”

Ephesians 4:29 “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs.”

Sometimes kids think it’s funny to cut someone down to make others feel bad. And they actually feel proud of themselves for making such a good comment that hurt someone else! Why does that make people feel proud? Satan is playing on a desire to feel powerful. Isn’t it twisted to feel good when we hurt another person? We should feel good when we are kind, not hurtful. When someone does a good “cut down”, who is rejoicing, God or Satan? Satan tempts us with pride. Pride is when we feel like we are better than others, and that’s exactly how Satan wants us to feel. It causes us to treat people like they have no value at all. He wants us to idolize ourselves rather than God. He wants us to substitute the powerful feelings that we get when we hurt others, for the good feelings that we get when we know the value that we have in God’s eyes, that we are God’s child, that we are very special and important to him, and that we are loved by him.

Don’t let pride sneak into your life. Don’t allow Satan to be your master and let selfishness control you. But see yourself the way God sees you, and see others the way God sees them. Every person is made in the image of God, and you must not tear or rip away the image of God in another person, even if it is “just” mom, dad, sister or brother.

Don’t let selfishness sneak in either. Selfishness means each person looks out for his own self. If everyone is selfish, no one will be treated right, but if everyone chooses to be loving, everyone would receive love. We need to choose to be selfless and love others by putting their needs first.

Even if someone does something wrong to you, you are responsible to do what is right. And the right thing to do is to always respond with love, not anger, and forgive, not hold a grudge. The Bible says to treat others better than yourself, even if you have been hurt. You need to chose to obey God’s word even when it’s hard, because it is right. And the result will be, that more people will want to be around you because you are a good friend.

Here is something that you could post in your house and refer to regularly:

Principle #1 Loving God means loving others.
If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother or sister, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother and sister (1 John 4:20-21).

Principle #2 Loving others means laying down our lives.
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters (1John 3:16).

Principle #3 Loving others means putting their needs first.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others (Philippians 2:3-4).

Principle #4 Loving God and loving others means making every effort to not fight or disagree!
Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord (Hebrews 12:14).

Principle #5 Fighting is caused by selfish desires.
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God (James 4:1-2).

Application.

1. I will remember that everyone has the same needs, wants and desires as I do.

2. I will remember that making my desires more important than others is selfish.

3. I will give up my selfish desires so that I can get along with others.

4. I will be happy with what I get, rather than fighting or sulking.

5. I will make every effort not let my selfish desires cause me to fight or disagree with people.

6. I will not allow my needs, wants and desires to become so important to me that I am willing to fight with others.

7. I will enjoy how everyone gets along, when no one is selfish.

Today, we continue on the principle of accepting your mission from God to be the authority in your home.

Does self-control come naturally or is it a learned skill? What is the relationship between a child’s ability to control himself, and his ability to acquire moral training from his parents? If a child is raised without being taught self-control, how will that affect his or her ability to follow God later on?

We had a foster child, who we will call Molly, a first grader, that was not doing well in school when she first came to live at our house. Her teacher reported to me (almost daily!) that Molly was disruptive, rude, would cut her clothes with scissors during class, would get up and help herself to a drink of water at inappropriate times (like during the flag salute), would talk back and even yell at her teacher. When I asked what consequences where applied when she misbehaved, the teacher said she was trying to ignore the behaviors because Molly was going through a tough time. I suggested that we come up with a consequence. The next Morning, when Molly disobeyed her teacher, she sent Molly to a fourth grade class room where she had to have her head down on her desk for 20 minutes. When Molly came back she asked the teacher, “Why did I have to go to that classroom?” The teacher answered, “From now on, whenever you disobey in class, that is where you will go.” And Molly replied “Teacher, from now on I am going to obey you.” And she did. In fact, her behavior changed so completely, that it resulted in a dramatic improvement in her academic performance. She went from almost all “Needs Improvement” to “Satisfactory” in behavior, and from almost all 1’s to 3’s in her academic grades. That is a huge improvement, all as a result of having consistent expectations and consequences. Of course, not every child is going to turn around as quickly as Molly, but this story illustrates a principle very well.

The child who has been restrained from always getting his own way by arguing, throwing temper tantrums, or disobeying, is also set free. He is free to do what is right rather than being a slave to his sin nature, and as a result he is free to enjoy peaceful relationships with his friends and family. Every child desperately needs boundaries. They are insecure and unhappy without firm guidelines and direction that provide order to their lives and protection from danger. Like an adult who wants to know exactly what is expected of him on a new job, a child faces new situations daily and needs his parents’ help in setting the boundaries for his appropriate behavior. God’s Word declares parental controls to be essential (Prov. 29:15; 1 Samuel 3:13). It is not love to raise a child who lacks self-discipline and is therefore guided by his or her self–centered feelings and desires. Many of us have struggled with some of these desires in our own lives. Do you wish you would have been better trained in self discipline?

Controlling a child’s behavior is an expression of parental love and shows true concern for the best interest of the child. True love will require a personal sacrifice on the part of the parents. They must be willing to take the time to monitor closely the child’s behavior. They also must be willing to face the inevitable conflict that occurs when the child must be confronted with his disobedience. The sacrifice involved in controlling a child also includes the immediate correction of each new misbehavior, even when it is an inconvenience to the parent. Loving parents must be more concerned with doing what will best benefit the child rather than what is most convenient for themselves.

Parents have to overcome some natural hindrances to asserting their authority and requiring obedience from their children. Some of the things that keep parents from controlling their children’s behavior are: feelings of inadequacy, not wanting to be a hypocrite, or fear of losing the child’s love. Parents can overcome these hindrances by realizing that even though imperfect, they have been delegated the responsibility of training their children by God, and by accepting God and His way as the authority in their own lives.

A few years ago I asked one of our daughters to read a book about the teenage years and she said: “But I don’t want to.” And I said “Well, I want you to.” And she asked: “Do I have to?” And I said “Yes.” And she asked “Are you going to make me?” And I said: “Yes.” And she asked “But how will you make me?” And I said “I will keep you accountable, I will ask you on a regular basis if you have read it, until you have finished it.” I think this is the question being asked in the mind of all children young and old, “How will you make me, and if no one is going to make me, why would I do it even if it is good for me?”

Children are not born with self control. They need to have external controls put in place by their parents until their internal self control can be developed. Parents need to control what and when they eat, when to sleep, what clothing to wear, how to act, and what is allowed to influence them. Therefore, the job of every parent is to function as the child’s self control, until the child is able to govern himself based on his own personal set of biblical principles of right behavior. Parents train children in biblical morality even before salvation, because in doing so, children gain an awareness of God’s standard of right and wrong. They are not born with this awareness. First we teach God’s moral standards, just like God gave us the law before he gave us Jesus. God gave us the Law so that we would see our sin and therefore our need for a Savior.

In early parenting, external pressure is necessary to bring about moral behavior even though a young child has no cognitive understanding of the reason for the behavior. With adults, beliefs precede actions; with children the opposite is true: actions precede beliefs. Parents should insist on correct behavior long before the child is capable of understanding the moral reasons for the behavior. Children first learn to act morally and then they learn how to think morally. So first we need to train children to behave morally then we move on to teaching the moral principles behind the behavior. Actions come first, understanding comes second.

Early moral training is also essential because, as you train a child to adhere to moral behavior, you are simultaneously training him in self control. Self control is the most basic virtue. It is necessary for the application of kindness, gentleness, proper speech, controlling negative emotions, concentration, focusing, sitting skills, and many other behaviors. Don’t wait until your child is older to start training in these skills. These are moral developmental skills, not stage–acquired abilities. They are also skills that depend on structure from the earliest days of life. Structure, training and discipline are essential in the early years to maximize a child’s moral and intellectual development.

A child who has been trained in moral behavior when he is young will begin to operate with self control as he internalizes the biblical principles for himself when he grows older. But a child who was not brought under the control of his parents, will lack self control, will lack a conviction of right and wrong, and will rebel more and more violently at any attempt by parents, school, or any other force that threatens to restrict his complete freedom. Without self control as a base for moral behavior, there will be nothing to curb his insatiable desire to serve his selfish appetites. The child who has established his own control over his parents, will continue to exercise his authority over them to satisfy each new, self centered feeling or desire that drives him.

Check out the links to “Helpful Document Downloads” to the right …

We have just added a new Bible Study designed for a parent to lead children. The topic is obedience to God and respect for others and those in positions of authority. This is a very important concept for children to learn very young. This study can be done with kids as young as 3 and as old as teens! Ask the questions, look up the verses, and make it an open, friendly discussion format.

The TV and movie action-drama Mission Impossible made these words famous. When it comes to parenting with authority, this famous phrase is particularly appropriate. The question is, “Are you willing to accept your God given mission to parent with proper authority?” Sadly, many parents do not take seriously this concept.

Titus 2:15 says, “Encourage and rebuke with all authority. Do not let anyone despise you.”

Sometimes parents find it difficult to rebuke children with authority because they don’t feel adequate for the job, they don’t know what to say or do, or they don’t think the child will actually listen when given instruction. These obstacles can and should be overcome, because parental authority is God given.

Our children have had several “first year” teachers in the public school system. Because of their lack of experience, they tried to gain good behavior by being a “friend” to the students. So these new teachers very quickly had classes that were out of control, and as a result, learning did not take place. Our children were frustrated because so much class time was taken over by behavior problems. These teachers believed that children will obey you if they like you. This is simply not true. Children will obey you if you teach them your expectations and show them that you will back up those expectations with consequences. If the teacher had shown within the first week, that she had high expectations of the students, and required their cooperation, instead of trying to be their friend, she would have gained the control she needed to teach the class. Our children had previously attended a private school, in which classes are very disciplined and students are expected to show respect for their teachers. As a result, very little time is wasted on discipline problems. If a class is not controlled, learning cannot take place. It is the same with parenting. The child has to be under control for learning to take place. In the younger years, the child will comply because they know the expectations, and they know what consequences will result if they do not comply. As they internalize godly principles, they will learn to comply because of a love for God and love for what is right.

Some Scriptures regarding a parent’s position and the concept of God given authority are:

Ephesians 6:2, “Honor your father and mother- which is the first commandment with a promise- that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”

Romans 13:1-2, “Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves.

Hebrews 13:17, “Obey your leaders and submit to their authority. They keep watch over you as men who must give an account. Obey them so that their work will be a joy, not a burden,
for that would be of no advantage to you.”

1 Peter 2:13-14, “Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every authority instituted among men: whether to the king, as the supreme authority, or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right.”

God has created order. He created government, parents, and teachers, and this order is dependent upon each accepting his God given position and accepting his authority to make it work. And it requires citizens and children paying the honor due to each position. It requires parents doing their job to raise the next generation to do their part in participating in the civil society God has orchestrated and ordained. We would be disobedient to not respect the order that God has ordained. Authority is necessary in society and in the home, because it brings order. If everyone did their own thing it would be chaos. Whether the differences were preference or outright sin wouldn’t matter. If we don’t work together in an orderly way, there is chaos. Think about what traffic would be like if there were no rules, signs, lights or road markings! Rules and authority bring order, productivity, peace and safety.

As parents, we are our children’s first and closest look at what authority is like. If we want our children to have a healthy relationship with authority in the future, especially God, we need to be fair, good, loving, and respectful, but also strong, consistent, knowledgeable, instructive, confident, directive and authoritative.

One of the problems with democratic parenting (the idea that reduces parents to an equal status with their children), is that if a child feels equal with his parents, he will not understand the importance of obeying police officers, school teachers, AWANA leaders, etc. And if they don’t see the necessity of obeying, they won’t be able to learn from these “authorities” the things that they will need to know to grow in knowledge, relational skills and their relationship with God.

Are you up to the challenge? Are you willing to accept you mission (which, yes, at times may seem impossible) to parent with the authority that God has given you? Our prayer is that you are because In a very real way … our future depends on you.

If we do not teach our children not to be demanding, inconsiderate, disruptive, selfish, and disobedient, we are allowing them to believe that there are no rules, or no “law”, so to speak. How will they become conscious of sin? How will they know that God has a different way for them, and that they will need Him for salvation and for the power to live a holy life that is pleasing to Him?

Passionate Legacy Principle #2: Accept your right and responsibility to train your children to biblical morality (Proverbs 22:6). The parents have been given the responsibility to train, care and provide for a household. With that comes the authority to determine and enforce the principles that will be lived out in the home. Be confident in your authority. Parents should not feel guilty for directing or disciplining their children. If your child doesn’t like you once in a while, that’s okay! Don’t make being a buddy such a high priority that you can’t be an effective leader. Deep down, children desire consistent boundaries; they provide protection, security, freedom and peaceful coexistence with others. Structured moral training in the early years is essential because self-control is gained through moral training, and all other virtues are dependent upon self-control.

While her mother ordered their fast food lunch, five year old Molly demanded one thing and then changed her mind and demanded another … several times. Molly repeatedly interrupted her mother by yelling, “No, I don’t want that,” making rude noises, and pounding on her mother’s leg. When the family and I went to choose a table, Molly chose a different table and demanded that her mother move. Her mother obeyed. Then, Molly changed to yet another table and ordered her mother to change again, but her mother refused. Molly began to scream and yell, argue and accuse, whine and cry, and finally verbally assault her mother with name calling. Her mother tried to grab her arm, but she darted across the room and under a table. Her mother did not go to get her but instead told me that she had tried everything, including spanking, and nothing had worked. Molly would not cry, would not apologize, and her behavior would not change.

Parents have been given the responsibility to train their children. In First Samuel 3:12-14, God says he will judge Eli’s family forever, because Eli knew his sons were committing sin but failed to restrain them. Sometimes we know our children are getting into things that they shouldn’t, but we are too engrossed in Facebook or our favorite show to deal with it, so we let it slide “just this once.” We hear our children in the other room treating each other with hatred and violence but we don’t stop what we are doing to teach them how to resolve conflict. At times we know that our children are being disrespectful to teachers or bullying others at school, but we leave it to the teachers to deal with. Training our children is our responsibility, and restraining them when they sin, is part of it.

Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” The book is Proverbs. A proverb is an observation of life that is generally true, it is not a promise because of course there are exceptions to these general principles and observations of life. Many principles in Proverbs are repeated with different wording throughout the book. So looking at other proverbs in the context can provide clues to the meaning of this proverb. Let’s look at some surrounding parenting Proverbs. Proverbs 19:18 says “Discipline your son, for in that there is hope, do not be a willing party to his death.” This verse teaches that there is an actual right and wrong and if we don’t discipline when wrong is done, we are allowing our children to die spiritually or physically. Proverbs 22:15 says, “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.” This verse teaches that every child has folly (or foolish rebellion) in his heart, and we need to discipline him to drive it out. Because of these surrounding verses, I believe that the clear meaning of Proverbs 22:6, “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it,” is that there is a specific “way” that he should go, not his own way, or his heart’s way*, but God’s Way, and that if we train him in that way, when he is old, he will most likely go that way. It is not a promise, but a general principle that if we train children when they are young to go God’s way, when they get older they will continue to go God’s way. Ephesians 6:4 reemphasizes our responsibility to train when Paul instructs fathers to “bring your children up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” It is our responsibility to give our children this training and instruction of the Lord.

*Some recent and quite creative interpretations of this verse have made their way into popular literature, articles, and sermons. Interpretations that claim that this verse is teaching that we should try to follow and train according to a child’s “natural bent” or “temperament” go against the context of the book of Proverbs, represent a misunderstanding of the historical and literary context, as well as display an anachronistic misunderstanding of psychology and the Scriptures.

Does your Christianity display the transforming work of an all-powerful God, or a plastic mask that you grab from the coat rack as you walk out the door?

Passionate Legacy Principle #1: Be a desirable example of godliness so that your children will choose it for themselves. Children grow up to be adults with a free will. They will choose a way of life based on what seems desirable, true, available, and satisfying. We need to win them over the way we win over any non-believer.

Behind closed doors, we take off our masks and let our guard down. Sometimes home is where we allow ourselves to become grouchy, snappy, unforgiving, easily irritated, demanding, selfish, and lazy.

When at home, we have the opportunity to model a Spirit-filled marriage in the way we treat our spouse, or we can model a marriage characterized by fighting and nagging. We may model a good attitude about our job, or come home from work and complain about authority. We may treat our children like they are a blessing from God, or like they are a burden and an interruption to our day. In our attitude toward possessions, we can model being thankful and content with what we have, or we can express dissatisfaction and a culturally conditioned desire for “bigger, better, and more”.

In the book of Matthew, in chapter 5, Jesus talks about not hiding our light, but letting our good deeds shine so that others may see them and praise our Father in heaven. We often think of this as a verse about evangelism, but what about our example to our children? As parents, we need to be first and foremost shining our light at home. If we want to be an example of true Christianity we have to be “all in.” Our children need to be our wake-up call that we can’t take a spiritual vacation whenever we are in the privacy of our home. If we want our children to praise our Father in heaven, we will have to be living a life that reflects the character of Christ, even behind those closed doors. Children will not be attracted to “Sunday Christianity”, in fact, they will see right through it and have no desire to follow a set of beliefs that have such little impact on your real self.

If our Christianity is really who we are, then there should be no mask to take off when we are at home. Our children are our ever-present audience who get to witness whether we really are who we act like when we are outside of our homes.

What kind of Christianity do we have? What kind of Christianity do our children see? Is it a faith that they will want? Is it a way of life that displays the transforming effect of an all-powerful God or a plastic mask that we grab from the coat rack as we walk out the door?

Passionate Legacy Principle #1: Be a desirable example of godliness so that your children will choose it for themselves. Children grow up to be adults with a free will. They will choose a way of life based on what seems desirable, true, available, and satisfying. We need to win them over the way we win over any non-believer.

What do your children think of your Christianity? Would they say your Christian life is boring or exciting? Would they say your Christianity is busywork or passionate purposefulness? Are you living your life in such a way that your children will want to follow in your “spiritual footsteps”?

When most of us first came to Christ, we were on fire for the Lord and passionate about our faith, but after a few years we became comfortable and lazy. We begin to surround ourselves with “safe” Christian friends who protect us from temptation. They become so much a part of the formula for our success that they ended up substituting for the power of Christ at work within us. Our contact with the unbelieving world became more accidental or professional rather than deliberate.

At first we were excited about studying the Bible to know Jesus more, but as the years passed we began to study the Bible to know the Bible more.

Church was at first a place to go to get healing, but later become a place to hide from the world. It became a place to relax and catch up with friends, rather that a place to prepare and re-energize for our next adventure into the spiritual battlefield of the “soul harvest” of the world.

At first, we did ministry because we were so excited about our relationship with God, and we wanted to share that. But later, it became just what was expected of us. It became reluctant, redundant, and boring.

Our children witness that change. When they don’t see genuine passion in us or in our spiritual activities, that invalidates everything they are being taught about how to have a passionate relationship with Jesus Christ.

It is easier to live off the past victories of our faith, and remember how great it was when we gave up sin or led someone to Christ, than it is to continue to fight in the daily spiritual battle for lost souls. But the problem is, when we don’t stay engaged in spiritual combat, we get rusty and old and out of shape and all of our passion fades away, leaving us just going through the motions.

If we want our children to want a relationship with Jesus we will have to show them that it is something worth having. We have to show them that Jesus Christ is active and powerful, and that His word is true. And we have to show them that being in a relationship with Jesus is satisfying our spiritual needs. We have to show them that we are involved in something that is worthwhile. We will have to live with purpose and with passion. If being a Christian is reduced to following rules, going to church and serving in ministry, all out of obligation, it is not a desirable way of life and our children will find another way.

Questions to ponder:

Are you bringing your kids to church to be safe from the bad things of the world or to learn to make a difference in the world?

Are you engaged in spiritual combat?

Are your children learning that they need God only when things are going bad?

Have you lost your initial enthusiasm and passion for Christ? Have you tapered off on the spiritual disciplines that you participated in when you were a new believer?

Are you taking credit for the fruits of your good, moral life by forgetting that God is the One who gives all good gifts, and that none are deserved?

Are you involved in a lot of Christian activities because that’s just what Christians do, or are you involved with passion in what God is doing?

In your personal Bible study, are you getting to know the Bible or Jesus Himself?

Is the power of your Christianity based on your church friends and moral behavior, or God himself?

What can you do or change to follow God with more passion?

Our goal is to make Passionate Legacy as practical and applicable as possible. To do that, we need to hear about your questions, struggles and sticky situations that you find yourself in as a parent. If you are dealing with a difficulty, then chances are there are many other parents out there who are dealing with the same thing. We invite you to email us your questions and quandaries so that we can highlight them in future posts – don’t worry, we won’t print your name or identifying information, or embarrass you in any way. We simply want to address the issues that you are dealing with right now. So, join in the conversation and let’s hear from you today.

Use the link to the right under “Contact Us”.

How does homework and academics compete with video games?

In the news this morning was a short article that stated, “Study: Video Games Can Hurt Schoolwork. Study suggests new video gamers face immediate drop in reading, writing skills at school.” (Here’s the link if you would like to read the article).

My response to this new finding is ‘duh.’ Surprise, surprise, kids would rather play games than study. Okay, in all fairness, the authors of the study state that while the conclusion seems obvious, “it was important to scientifically prove that conventional wisdom was correct.” I agree, it is nice to know that our common sense holds up in the scientific study. But what is a parent to do? Here are our thoughts…

First, wait. Don’t introduce a gaming system into the house while the kids are young. We waited until our kids were 8 and 10 before we got our first gaming system. They had plenty of other interests and were both avid readers before this decision was made. They had friends over, and wrote and acted out plays with them as one of their pastimes. We knew they were developing socially and creatively before we got the system. Before this, they did play some educational games on the computer, such as Reader Rabbit, but we had no gaming system.

Second, no gaming system until all homework is done. We have a strict routine in our house that is printed and posted. Get home from school, hang up your coat, eat your snack (they usually visit and chat over their snack to provide a nice break and transition), then finish homework. No electronic entertainment until homework is finished.

Third, set strict time guidelines for play. For example: our kids (who are now 12 and 14) are allowed three – 30 minute turns* on either a game system or the computer (after each turn, they must offer the game to anyone else in the house who might want to play, they must also record the turn on a dry-erase board kept near the computer). After those turns, they can read for 1 hour to earn three more turns. After that, they are done for the day, they cannot earn any more turns. (We have made exceptions to this during vacations or school holidays and allowed them to read additional hours to earn more turns.) We have several kitchen timers around the computer and in the living room for them to track their time. And if we find that they don’t have the timer set, then their current turn is immediately over, they must offer the game to others.

Finally, the above guidelines would be adjusted based on the school performance of the child. If certain academic areas suffer, then gaming time would be reduced and replaced by work in that area.

Do you have some ideas or thoughts on how to win the ‘video game competition’? Please comment through the blog or drop us an email and we will post it.

* three – 30 minutes turns will be too much for a family that watches television. In our house we don’t watch TV (None. Zero. Really, it’s true.) In a home where the kids watch TV, this should be adjusted downward according to the time spent on TV. The same guideline could be used for all video-based entertainment, that is, three – 30 minute turns of TV, computer, or game system, then 1 hour of reading to earn more turns.