Author: jgolling

Parenting / Passionate Legacy

Discipline for Teens (Part 2)

jgolling
One side note is that different phases of childhood require different methods of parenting.  Children in the first five years of life require discipline.  A parent has all of the responsibility for the child’s welfare and therefore all of the authority over him.  As children grow up they gain authority over their lives as they gain responsibility for their life decisions.  They are becoming responsible for their own choices and therefore need to be allowed to make those choices.  They are becoming their own person with their own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, and they have a right to those thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.  They slowly gain autonomy over time rather than on any particular birthday.  This is not just a good principle; it is a reality.  Adults do not have the power to control how a teen thinks and behaves.  Teens know this and parents would do well to acknowledge this truth as well. Parents should relate to their teens as distinctly separate, autonomous, thinking individuals, who are worthy of respect, and come alongside their teenagers to help them to learn and grow rather than trying to control them. Anger, manipulation, and control are all things that cause teens to feel disrespected and therefore mistrust their parent’s intentions toward them.  If a parent has a child’s best interest in mind, then he will treat him with respect his entire life.  Children who are treated with respect grow to trust their parent’s benevolence toward them, and are willing to learn from them as teens.  Relational influence is earned through years and years of treating someone with respect.  In the teen years it is more effective and respectful to use relational influence rather than authority and discipline.  This looks more like a discipleship relationship than anything else.  This honors the autonomous person that the teen is becoming and acknowledges the reality that the days of authority and control are over. And that is a good thing because the teen needs to have the authority over his own life, if he is responsible for the consequences of the choices that he makes.  A teen who feels loved, supported, respected, and forgiven will be more likely to be interested in being taught and helped out of unwise situations. A teen who feels disrespected and intimidated will not feel safe to ask for advice or help. 
If you want your teen’s heart motivation to be the love of God, you will need to communicate through your discipline God’s love, grace, and desire to give us abundant life.  You will need to demonstrate, that to have life, we need to live in dependence on God as the source of everything. And you will need to show that when we do, we experience true Life as it was designed to work.
So, the fourth option would be to come alongside your teen in love and grace. Ask him what he or she needs from you to help them to experience the Life that God meant for them.  Talk with your teen like he is a friend that you care about rather than a child that you are mad at.  Think about how you would help a friend that you saw making poor life choices. You would lovingly confront him with a motive of wanting to help him find answers for his problems, not to condemn him or vent anger.  You would want to rescue him from the trap that he has been sucked into.  You would provide the accountability and support that he needed. God teaches us in His word that confrontation of sin is for the purpose of restoring, rescuing, redeeming and reconciling, and should always be done in humility, gentleness, and love.  
Ask your teen what he is struggling with and what he needs.  Is he struggling with depression?  Maybe he would benefit from counseling.  Does he need accountability for something that he is struggling with?  Is there a mentor that you could pair him with?  Does he need help saying “no” to friends?  Does he need to change schools and find a new peer group? Does he need addiction treatment?
If you have relational influence with your teen, share with him the moral reasons for why certain choices are damaging to him and others.  Such as, rules and authority are in place for the benefit of all people.  Help him look for the personal benefit of following rules and authority.  When we don’t follow rules and laws, we harm ourselves (our futures, our bodies).  People have value. When we deceive others we hurt people and relationships.  Emphasize that as a parent you want your teen to follow rules and laws because you love him and want the best for him.  Show your teen the life giving reasons to love what is good, rather than just teaching them to avoid being bad. 
If you give a consequence make sure it fits the “crime”.  Don’t make it too harsh or too long.  The teen must feel that it is a fair consequence for it to be effective.

Always point your teen to the gospel.  We all need to live in dependence on God every single day, regardless of how old we are.  God is a God of grace, He is for us, He is not angry when we fail, and He is there to give us strength when we depend on Him.  Teach your teen how to accept the forgiveness of God, learn from their mistakes, and turn back to God in dependence.
Parenting / Passionate Legacy

Discipline for Teens (Part 1)

jgolling
You just found out that your teenager lied to you, skipped school, snuck out, used drugs, etc.  What do you do?  As a parent, how do you respond?  You may be angry at your teen, you may be embarrassed by their behavior, you may be feeling hurt and betrayed, you may feel like a failure, and/or you may want to prevent them from being able to engage in this kind of behavior ever again.  You may feel like expressing your anger or your hurt feelings, or making new restrictions that keeps your teen more under control and supervised.  These are all legitimate feelings and desires; the question is, what are the results that you want?  And more importantly, what do you want your teen to be motivated by, and what motivations are effective long term?  What is your goal as you parent your teen, and what response will cause you to meet your goal long term?

Let’s just assume that your goal as a parent is to instill a desire and ability to love God and obey Him.  And let’s assume that you want your teen’s heart motivation to be understanding both the love that God has for him and the desire for him to have Life.

One response that many parents have, is to get even for the pain that the child has caused by venting their full anger.  They yell at the teen and try to scare and intimidate him.  I think the belief is that the teen will fear facing the same consequences in the future and therefore make better behavioral choices.  There are several problems with this approach. One problem is that the teen only becomes angry at the parent because he feels disrespected, rather than at his own poor choices.  A scape goat is created for him.  Another problem is that even if the teen becomes afraid of punishment, it doesn’t change his heart towards his poor choices.  He will just work harder at not getting caught.  This response will not result in a teen’s heart being motivated by love for God and what is right.  When a person is only motivated by fear of punishment then their outward behavior may be changed for a short time, but if they are motivated from the heart, the behavior is changed for a lifetime.

A second common response is to instill guilt about how the teen’s choices hurt the parents and embarrassed them.  Although this is a good thing for the teen to understand, if it is often the focus of a parent’s reason that he should not misbehave, he may come to see his parent as just being self-centered. He may think that the parent is arbitrarily assigning morality to things that inconvenience her or affect her personally.  A teen’s motivation for making good choices should not be focused on his parent’s feelings about it.  He needs to understand that something is not wrong simply because a parent doesn’t like it, but because there is a deeper moral principle that is true at all times and in every situation.  If the focus is how the teen’s behavior affects his parents, he does not have the opportunity to learn this.  He needs to understand a bigger picture for a heart change to occur.  In general, love for what is good, is a far greater motivator of the heart than guilt.

A third option might be to restrict the teen’s freedom so that he is unable to repeat the offense.  The problem is that this is only a temporary fix.  Even if you could provide your teen with supervision twenty-four hours a day, controlling behavior does not change a person’s heart.  If he still believes behavior that is bad for him is good for him, he will engage in it as soon as he is able.  Again this response does nothing to change the heart.

None of these responses address the heart, so let’s take all three of these options off the table.
(See the next post for Part 2)

Parenting / Passionate Legacy

Avoiding Power-Struggles at the Table, Part 2

jgolling
Last time we talked about some principles for preventing conflict around food.  We cannot force a child to eat, but we will develop a strategy that will use our greatest ally, the child’s own hunger, to help the child learn self-control and healthy eating habits.  This will only work if the strategy is not sabotaged by allowing snacking between meals. 
Here are the steps:
  1. Make sure to have 4 consistent, predictable eating times every day (3 meals and a set snack time).  
  2. Serve healthy meals with at least 3 food groups that are age appropriate and let them choose what to eat off the plate.  For young children, simple or single ingredients foods are good choices rather than casseroles or gourmet. 
  3. If they complain or say they don’t like it, simply explain to them, “We don’t say what we don’t like, just put it off to the side, and eat the rest.”  If they continue to complain, then they receive a time-out for complaining.  Make it clear that the time-out is for complaining, send them to their room for the appropriate amount of time, then they can come back and try again.
  4. If they don’t eat anything, that’s okay.  Just make sure you follow the whole process and don’t get into a power struggle: don’t try to convince, beg, nag, lecture, argue or bribe.  If they eat nothing, it’s alright, it will not hurt them if they miss a meal or even two (despite what they say). 
  5. Explain to them that if they get up, it means they are done and cannot have anything to eat until the next meal or snack time.  Again, there is no need for arguing or convincing, just state the facts and then stick to the routine.  It’s not “you-against-him”, he is making his own choice and will have to learn to live with those choices.  This not only gets you out of the potential power-struggle, it is a good life lesson!
  6. If they whine or complain that they are hungry between meals, don’t lecture, belittle, or say “I told you so.”  Just state the facts: “We will be having dinner at 6 PM, that is when we eat next.”  And move on without any emotion.  If their whining begins to infringe on the rights of you or others, they should have a time-out for the whining.

God made our bodies and biology works!  If you follow this process, they will eventually be hungry and learn to eat what you are giving them at a meal time.  But again, don’t make this into a big deal, and don’t shame them by saying, “I told you that you could eat it” or anything like that. 
As you grow together in this area, you will find that meal times together can be an enjoyable and pleasant experience for everyone and even become an important part of building a closer relationship with your child as you get to spend your meal time talking about life and learning about each other! 

Note: Juice and milk between meals are not a good idea because when they fill up on milk and juice (which are low in iron) they aren’t hungry for foods with the iron and other nutrients that they need like meat, chicken, and beans.  Children should not have more that 1 cup of juice per day and if they are eating fruit they should have even less juice.  And children should not have more that 2 cups of milk per day and even less if they are eating other dairy.  If they are thirsty, water is the best choice, and it leaves plenty of room for healthy meals.
Parenting / Passionate Legacy

Avoiding Power-Struggles at the Table, Part 1

jgolling
There are many times and circumstances in which kids seem to drag parents into a power struggle.  One common area of parenting that is often the setting for power struggles is around meal times and eating.  So in this and the next article, we will cover some principles and strategies for eliminating power struggles around food. 
First, a parent needs to realize that eating is something that a parent cannot and should not force a child to do.  This is a very important foundation for talking about power struggles surrounding food because it means we need to develop a strategy in which the child chooses to eat.  The second principle we need to remember is that we have a HUGE ally in this process … hunger! 
With preschool and elementary age children, all eating should be done on a specific schedule set by the parents.  The child this age does not have the wisdom or the developed self-control muscle to regulate their own eating. 
Kids can learn to eat and even like healthy food if it is given to them on a regular basis at times when they are hungry.  Don’t give up, they will have to try the same healthy foods several times before they get used to them. 
Snacking between meals sabotages hunger (remember hunger is your greatest ally in taking away the power struggle!), so if you let them snack between meals, you are taking away something they need in order to learn good habits!
Make a practice of always sitting at the table to eat.  Not only does this set a healthy pattern, it provides an opportunity to talk around the table, it helps kids learn self-control, it is respectful to others at the table, and will be helpful when you go out to a restaurant or someone else’s house.  This is also very important for the strategy that we will discuss in the next article. 

Next time, we will walk through a step-by-step process of teaching kids healthy eating habits and appropriate table behavior. 

Parenting / Passionate Legacy

Avoiding Rebellion, Inviting Respect

jgolling
It is a common belief that all teens go through a period of rebellion.  But the fact is, teen-age rebellion can be prevented.  There are two things that parents need to do as they raise their children to prevent rebellion in the teen years.  The first is, always treat your child with respect.  One of the main ingredients in a good relationship is respect.  Respect is essential whether it is a marriage, a friendship, or a parent-child relationship.  People will not trust you, or think well of you, or even like you if they feel like you do not see them as valuable or worthy.  People feel degraded when someone calls them names, predicts a negative future for them, bosses them around like a slave or servant, or uses anger, fear, or intimidation to control them, regardless of their age. When someone treats us with disrespect we feel violated and angry and we lose respect for them. When we are intimidated we see a person’s lack of love and integrity and we no longer respect their opinions or trust their intentions toward us.  Discipline should be aimed at the heart by teaching principles, allowing children to make choices, and providing consistent consequences, rather than using anger, force, or manipulation to control thoughts and actions.  You can keep a child from doing wrong, but forcing compliance does nothing to help the child want to do right; it doesn’t change the heart.  You can’t force someone to think differently, you have to show them how thinking differently is better for them.  Respecting someone includes letting them know that you see their value and acknowledge their right to have their own thoughts and opinions.  It also means not causing them to doubt their own worth and rights.  So always be polite and respectful of your child’s value and dignity even while you require obedience or are in the process of administering discipline.  It is possible to be consistent, firm, respectful, positive, empathetic, encouraging, and hopeful, and still be the authority in your child’s life.  If a child is always treated with respect, he will have respect for you and trust in your love for him.  When these things are in place, he will not have a reason for rebelling. 

The second thing that is necessary for avoiding rebellion, is settling the order of authority early on. It needs to be made clear to the child from the very beginning that the parents correct, train, and lead, and the children learn, follow, and obey.  Young children can easily accept this but many parents allow it to be an ongoing battle by giving in to whining, tantrums and arguing because they don’t see the need to stand strong in their authority.  When children are not sure who is in charge, it is confusing and frustrating.  Parents should have high control in the beginning of their child’s life and very little control at the end of their teen years.  It is a mistake to give kids large amounts of freedom on the front side of their childhood and then take it away from them when they become teenagers. Too much freedom without a balancing amount of responsibility leads to chaos.  Young children don’t have developed reasoning skills to make good decisions, and teenagers do.  So, we need to walk through every decision with a young child and help him develop reasoning skills.  And we need to allow the teen to begin using the reasoning skills that we have helped him develop.  But most parents get it reversed and let a child with no reasoning abilities make all the choices for his life, and try to make all of the decisions for the teen who needs to begin to make decisions for himself.  Control should be high on the front side of childhood and low on the back side.  The child’s freedom and responsibility should increase at an equal rate gradually over the 18 years that he lives under your roof.  Children need to wait their turn to have the privileges that come with being older.  They need to pass through all of the rights of passage the same way that we did to gain the authority over their lives that we have over ours.  It is not mean or selfish to treat a child like a child, rather than as your equal.  It is in their best interest.  You can save many decisions and privileges for when a child is older, then you have the option to slowly let out the reigns over the next eighteen years.  The parent does not have to take back any authority they previously gave away, in fact they have freedoms and responsibilities to give away.  Also, teens who were given freedom too soon in life will have to try to manage their freedom and autonomy without the wisdom and responsible character qualities that years of training would have provided, which will result in many poor choices.  However, if you are slowly giving out privileges and decision making abilities throughout their growing up years they will have more appreciation for those privileges, and therefore treat them with the care and respect they deserve, and make good choices. If they have too much authority too soon, they will have no respect for the power that they wield, and they have no values or morals behind them. They will use their power to boss you around, get their way, and disrupt the peace and routines of everyone around them.  Children need many years of parent directed options to receive the benefit of your wisdom and training in values and reason.  If a parent has not established their role in correcting and teaching in the early years, they are not going to be able to gain the role in the teen years.


Finding the balance between being firm in authority and yet respectful in delivery of expectations and consequences, is one of the most difficult challenges of parenthood, but one of the most important requirements of success.  Teens who have been treated with respect throughout childhood accept their parents as the authority and do not see it as a negative because authority has been experienced as fair, loving, respectful, gentle, and serving, so there is no need for rebellion.  They also have no rebellious feelings toward God and His authority because their experience with authority has not been marred.  Also children that are being handed freedoms in the teen years rather than having them taken away, actually enjoy their relationship with their parents because they feel honored  and respected and return that respect, rather than rebelling.




Parenting / Passionate Legacy

The Christian Parenting Handbook book review

jgolling
I just finished reading The Christian Parenting Handbook by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller and it is definitely one of my new all-time favorites. This book is based on the concept of addressing the heart rather than just trying to control behavior.  It helps the reader to develop a comprehensive, biblical parenting philosophy where the goal is to raise children with internal motivation that reflects moral character and godly values, not just “behavior modification”.  This means developing a heart that is motivated to do the right thing because it is right, rather than to receive a reward or avoid punishment.  To accomplish this, it requires creative strategies such as one-on-one discipleship, providing opportunities to practice positive character qualities, and exposing children to those who are less fortunate.  A heart-based approach aspires to see long lasting change take place, rather than just getting things done today.  This approach is both firm and relational.  The focus is on developing and addressing character qualities, values and convictions.  Some components are relationship building, natural consequences, sharing values and reasons behind the rules, using sorrow instead of anger, using Scripture in training, and limiting the use of rewards for good behavior.  This book not only does an excellent job building a biblical basis for parenting, but outlines very specific strategies and tools that can be applied right away, and gives many examples to help illustrate the parenting skills being discussed.  I highly recommend this book.

Click HERE for the Amazon page where you can read more reviews.

Note: we do NOT receive any money for this review or link.

Parenting / Passionate Legacy

Is Obedience Necessary?

jgolling
A four year old boy and his mother were visiting at our house.  It was time to go and he was asked to put away the toys he was playing with, and he said “No.”  Not only would he not pick up, but he would not put down the marbles he had in his hand.  His mother asked him repeatedly to put the marbles down, but he just ignored her and held them tightly.  His mom tried asking nicely, reasoning with him, promising she would buy him the same toy from the store, telling him she would tell his dad when they get home, counted to three, told him she would leave without him, etc.  Eventually he did decide to put the marbles down, but after all that, what was really accomplished?  Was putting the marbles down really the only goal in this situation?  If it was, then the goal was achieved.  I’m wondering if that should have been the only goal.  Is there any character quality that he could have learned if this situation had been handled differently?  This wasn’t the first time I’ve seen this scenario.  It was the third time that week, and I see it all the time; parents negotiating with children with the same methods they would with an equal: guilt, threats, reasoning, bribes, debate, persuasion, etc.  I wonder if there is something about our culture that makes parents feel like they can’t physically take the marbles out of the hand or pick the child up and risk him crying or throwing a tantrum, or talk to the child about the consequences that he will receive for his actions.  Are parents embarrassed to enforce obedience because they might be seen as mean?  Or do they think it really is mean to enforce obedience?  Where do these fears come from?   Should parents give in to these fears or is there a worthwhile reason to conquer them?  Is there a positive outcome for the child that results when he is required to follow parental directions?

Ephesians 6:1-4 paints a picture of the parent child relationship in very simple terms. “Children obey your parents…Honor your father and mother…Fathers (parents) do not provoke your children to anger (“exasperate your children” NIV); instead bring them up in the training of the Lord NASB.”   This sets up an order of authority, the parent is to train and the child is to obey.  It also gives guidelines for the manner that this training is to be carried out.  “Do not provoke your children to anger (exasperate).”  Exasperate means to annoy greatly or make very angry.  How do you annoy someone greatly or cause them to be very angry?  Treat them unfairly or harshly, spew anger, rub in your authority, overuse your power, intimidate them, etc.  So according to Ephesians, parents are to have authority but not the kind that annoys and angers.  They are to have the kind of authority that is loving and beneficial to the child.  These are the same guidelines that the Bible prescribes for all exercise of authority.  The Bible says to honor and obey leaders (Rom. 13:1-2; Titus 3:1; Heb. 13:17; 1 Pet. 2:13-14 and 5:5) but it also tells leaders to “be servants” and to not “Lord it over (dominate, control, act as if you are better than) other people” (Matt. 20:25-28; 1 Peter 5:2-3).  The Bible tells wives to submit to their husbands (Eph 5:22), but it also says that husbands should give themselves up like Christ gave himself up, and to love their wives as they do their own bodies (Eph. 5:25-29).  Biblical authority is serving another person in love for their benefit, not for the benefit, comfort or convenience of the person authority.  For the husband, serving his wife for her benefit means to put her needs before his own needs in order to make her holy and blameless by looking out for her spiritual, emotional, and physical well being. 


What is in the best interest of a child in this dance of authority without exasperating?  One of the greatest gifts you can give a child is the ability to obey God, and that ability comes in the form of self –control.  Self-control is the foundational virtue that gives a child the ability to develop all other virtues, love, joy peace, patience, kindness, etc.  He can’t act out these virtues in his life if he does not have control over himself.  Self-control provides us with the power to make good decisions even when they are hard.  It helps us to do the hard things that in our deepest being we want to do, but in a way we don’t want to.  And it helps us to have the strength to not do the things that we should not do, ie: punch someone, yell at someone, do drugs, have casual sex, lie, steal, cheat, etc.  How can we provide this virtue for our child?  Train him to obey so that he can practice right and virtuous behavior.  A coach makes you do what you don’t want to do, so that you can become who you want to be.  As parents we have a similar job, we need to make children practice saying “I’m sorry,”  “please” and “thank you” and using positive communication to get what they want rather that whining, demanding, stealing, or throwing a temper tantrum.  As they grow we begin to explain the moral reasons why they do these things, and then as they gradually become autonomous (self governing) and separate from our authority they will be able to carry out their desire to act on their deepest desires to be a godly, virtuous and moral person with skill and ability that only comes from practice, rather than act on the fleshly, sinful impulses that come free at birth.  We are born naturally gifted at being mean, rude and self centered, but self –control only comes through hard work, and the earlier that work starts the stronger we get.  So a parent exercising their authority in a fair and loving way is in the best interest of the child.  Don’t let the culture talk you into the lie that children should be your equal, children should never cry, children should never face consequences.  You can have authority and be a loving parent, they are not mutually exclusive, in fact they are both necessary.  Stand strong on what you believe and don’t be embarrassed for doing what God has directed you to do.  Don’t worry about what other people think, do what you know is right.  Make your child do things that they don’t want to do so they can become who they want to be and who God wants them to be. 

Parenting / Passionate Legacy

What view of dating will you teach your kids?

jgolling

Parents of young children … are you developing a comprehensive philosophy of parenting?

Links refererenced in this post … 

Podcast which includes the blog as well as commentary at: http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?SID=510131258181

As parents, we have an incredible responsibility and opportunity to shape not only our child, but our child’s future and in doing so, we also shape the future of our world!  We leave a legacy.  For better or for worse, we will leave a legacy. Ironically, many people will study more for their driver’s test than they will for raising the next generation of human beings that will inhabit and be the caretakers of our world and the expression of God’s Kingdom in our world.  We encourage parents to take advantage of the many resources available to formulate a biblical, wise and well-considered philosophy of parenting.  This includes a view on dating and what you will teach your children about dating and relationships. 

We would like to recommend a blog article by Bryana Johnson called “Underage dating: The Elephant in the social conservative living room.”   Underage dating is the dating done by teenagers who are too young to be considering marriage, but engage in a series of romantic relationships that serve only to “practice” the cycle of attraction, closeness, some form of intimacy, and then eventual breaking off of the relationship.  This practice of teen dating is the number one way that our culture (including Christian circles) chooses to perpetuate the cancer of broken marriages.  “The trouble with underage dating is that it presents an entirely faulty view of what interaction with the opposite gender should be about.  Rather than placing the emphasis on building one, strong relationship with one person at a stage of life when a marital commitment is feasible, dating encourages young people to pour their energies into consistently seducing other young people at a time when neither of them is capable of making any long term commitments, their relationships are destined to fail from the get go because they are founded on unhealthy perceptions of love and not backed by any necessity to stick it out.”  We should be teaching our children that the deep emotional connection between a man and a woman was designed by God to be permanent and to reflect the image of the Creator.  By having many serious dating relationships, each one ending in break-up, we treat that sacred connection, the gift called “romantic love”, and the heart of another individual, like it is a toy, to be used for our own selfish desires, then discarded when it no longer fulfills our wants. 

Bryana brings out some excellent points about the connection between the practice of teenage dating and the wide-spread impact of divorce in our culture.  We recommend her blog as some food for thought as you develop your views on dating and formulate what you will teach your children about this cultural practice that will surround them daily at school and among their peers.  Don’t wait.  Kids are getting into the dating scene younger and younger.  If you wait until they are in 5th or 6th grade to begin to teach them a view of dating, you will be abdicating the role of “first teaching on the subject” to others who do not share your values. 
Parenting / Passionate Legacy

Self-Esteem Part 3: How to Provide a Biblical Self-Concept

jgolling

So how do we apply this in parenting?   How do we provide a self-esteem that is biblical and not secular?  Teaching your child self-esteem is essentially teaching the Gospel. Here are the main truths that you want to teach your children to believe about themselves:

1. Love yourself as Christ loves the church. Ephesians 5:29
2. Know you can do all things (but only) through Christ who strengthens you. Philippians 4: 13
3. None of us is “good enough.”  And yet you don’t have to be “good enough” to be valuable and loved. Know that God loves you as you are.  We are not “good enough” on our own, it is only through Jesus’ payment for our sins that we are made “good enough.”
4. All people, including you, have value because God has given us value.
5. You are worth dying for because God loves you and not because of anything you did to deserve it. None of us can earn salvation– it is a gift from God Ephesians 2:6-9.  You are worthwhile but you are not worthy. You do not deserve Christ’s sacrifice. He died for you out of love, not out of your own worthiness.

Practical applications:

  • Honor your child by viewing him as a priceless treasure and treating him with love and respect regardless of whether or not his actions deserve it.
  • Don’t dishonor him with anger, sarcasm, unjust criticism, unhealthy comparisons, or favoritism.
  • Give grace to your child.
  • Show him the Gospel as an answer to mistakes, we need forgiveness and we need to depend on Christ every day.
  • Don’t compare her to other people in a negative or positive way.
  • Don’t teach him that he is better than other people.
  • Expect her to treat you with respect.
  • Do not allow him to boss you around in an inappropriate way.
  • When he sins, help him to face it and make it right.
  • Don’t push him to perfection.
  • Don’t love her only for her achievements.
  • Love him in spite of his bad behavior and choices.
  • Honor his separateness and personhood, allow him to have his own feelings, thoughts, opinion and choices (age appropriate of course).
  • Don’t use guilt motivation.
  • Provide fair and consistent consequences for poor choices/bad behavior.
  • Deliver consequences in a godly and empathetic way.
  • Tell him every day that you love him and don’t add a “because”.
  • Show him his need for God.
  • Don’t withhold love as a punishment or for any reason.
  • Encourage him that he can accomplish anything, but only in the strength of Christ.  
  • Teach him to honor all people, including you and all authority in his life.
  • Teach him that he doesn’t need any talent, ability or good looks to be worthwhile because God has already given him value and no one can take it from him.
  • Give him your time and attention.
  • Be tender and empathetic when she is hurting.
  • Teach him that holiness is more important than happiness.
  • Teach her that we have nothing on our own to be proud of because God has given us every talent and ability.
  • Don’t treat them him the center of the universe, he is a valuable part but everyone is equally valuable.
  • Help her to embrace failure as a part of learning.
  • Encourage him to try hard things even if he can’t do it perfectly the first time.
  • Don’t set her up to expect perfection of herself.
  • Forgive him.
  • Give her physical affection often.
  • Give him verbal affirmation often.
  • Remind her that she is a sinner and needs God every day.
  • Don’t compare him to other people.
Parenting / Passionate Legacy

Self-Esteem Part 2: What The Bible Says About How We Should View Ourselves

jgolling

In one sense, low self-esteem is the opposite of pride.  In another sense, low self-esteem is a form of pride. It is rejecting what God says about us, and putting our opinion above God’s.  Low self-esteem is a focus on all the negative thoughts others may be having about us, and is, in that respect, self-centered.  Also some people with low self-esteem are very defensive about their looks or abilities because they are hanging on to their last shred of self-esteem and when it is threatened they become enraged, argumentative and accusatory.  It simply takes a different route to get to the same destination, that is, self-absorption, self-obsession, and selfishness. Instead, we are to be selfless, to die to self, and to deflect any attention given to us to the great God who created and sustains us.

Self-esteem can be defined as “a realistic respect for or a confidence and satisfaction in oneself,” but it is critical to provide the right basis for self-esteem.  So as parents we need to make sure that we provide biblical self-esteem.  Many define self-esteem as “feelings of worth based on their skills, accomplishments, status, financial resources, or appearance.” There is a secular version of self-esteem that says that we are the center of the universe and the goal in life is to feel good or to have “self-contentment.”  It also says that we should ignore our failures and our need for God and focus on our achievements.  These kinds of self-esteem can lead a person to feel independent and prideful and to indulge in self-worship, which dulls our desire for God.  If we only trust in our earthly resources, we will inevitably be left with a sense of worth based on pride. Beth Moore says in her book So Long Insecurity,  “Pride lives on the defensive against anyone and anything that tries to subtract from its self-sustained worth.  Confidence, on the other hand, is driven by the certainty of God-given identity and the conviction that nothing can take that identity away” (pg. 104).

As Christian’s we should not be prideful in thinking we have attained our worth on our own or in comparison to others but we also should not think we do not have value.  The Bible says that we should see ourselves as valuable and that value should be based on who we are in Christ (Eph. 1:4-5; Gal. 4:7; Rom. 8:15-17). It teaches us that we should be humble (2 Cor. 3:4-5; Isa. 64:6, Psalm 16:2; Phil. 2-3; Romans 12:3). “We cannot do anything of lasting value by ourselves. Our only power and success come from God.”  The Bible also teaches us to be confident and secure (Jeremiah 17:7-8; Rom. 8:39; 2 Corinthians 4:7; 2 Cor. 12:10; Phil. 4:12-13).  Nothing can shake God’s love for us.  Our confidence need to be in Him and nothing else.  We have all surpassing power but it is from God and nothing else!!

“We have dignity precisely because God himself gave it to us, His prized creation.  You and I possess dignity because God himself has it and He created us in His image.  To possess dignity is to be worthy of respect.  Worthy of high esteem.  No matter how foolish insecurity has tried to make us feel, we have the right to dignity because God himself gave it to us.  If we really believed this truth we would not have to mask our insecurity with pride.  If we knew who we were, what everybody else thought of us would grow less and less significant” (So Long Insecurity, Beth Moore, 159).

God is the only source of our value, apart from him we are nothing.  Anything other than God that is used to evaluate our worth becomes an idol.  

We have value because:  

  • We were created by God!  Psalm 139:13-16.  
  • We were created in God’s image!  Gen 1:27.  
  • We were chosen by God Himself!  God adopted us as His own children!  Eph. 1:4-6; Jn.1:12; Rom. 8:15-16; Gal. 4:7; Rev. 21:7.  
  • We are loved through the expression of God’s sacrifice!  Eph. 5:2; Rom. 5:8; 1 John 4:10; 1 Thess. 5:9-10.  
  • God’s love for us is unconditional!  Eph. 2:4-5; Titus 3:3-5; Rom. 5:8.  
  • God has equipped us to do things that are eternally important and meaningful!  God has made us adequate for the eternally important task of affecting the destinies of human souls and he has made us able to have a meaningful impact on other human beings. Eph. 2:10; 2 Cor. 5:18-20.


Some people receive earthly talent and beauty that seem valuable to the society around us, but as real as it may seem, those things are just temporary bonuses on this earth and provide merely an illusion of value.  We need to reject the value that our culture places on external things and fully embrace our worth as a child of God, based on nothing other than the fact that we are valuable to God.  All people have the exact same value and if we see ourselves as better or worse in comparison to others then we are using the wrong scale and need to get in tune with God’s measuring stick.  We are the way we are, and that is good.  To truly have an accurate view of self, we need to accept that there is nothing we can do to alter our true value.

We should have an accurate and balanced view: “I am only valuable because of God’s love.” and “I am completely valuable because of God’s love.”

When we think we are of great value because of our beauty and talent, it is as if we arrogantly state “God I don’t need you, I have worldly commodities from which I gain my security and significance.”

Or conversely when we believe we have no value because we lack beauty and ability it is as if we distrustfully state “God you are not enough, I need the things that this world says are valuable, to be able to accept myself.”

A healthy self-esteem accepts that we are completely valuable regardless of our looks, talents etc., we are only valuable because of God’s view of us, and that we can never be more or less valuable than anyone else.

The next post will cover how you can provide a biblical self-concept for your children.