Theology

Why do we Struggle to Flourish?

The first step in overcoming an obstacle is identifying the nature of the obstacle.  I used to believe that even though I was a Christian, there was an internal war going on between my old nature and my new nature.  I believed that there were two parts of me, one part of me that wanted to follow God and another part of me that did not. I believed that this was the source of the battle.  But the Bible teaches that our old self was crucified and that we are no longer slaves to sin (Rom. 6:6, Gal. 2:20), we are new creations (2 Cor. 5:17), and that we have a new self (Eph. 4:24 and Col. 3:10).  If we as Christians are no longer slaves to sin and we are made new, then what exactly is the nature of that continued “battle” or ”struggle with sin” that many people describe as a regular part of their Christian life? How can we properly interpret our experiences in light of the biblical teaching concerning sin?

Adam and Eve: before and after deception

Adam and Eve lived in perfect relationship with God and dependence upon Him. They trusted Him to lead them, and to give them what they needed, and to rightly judge all things.  They had a human nature with a free will. They were free to choose sin but they did not have an inborn inclination toward sin. Sin is anything that is a corruption of the way that we were designed by God to function.  Adam and Eve trusted God to tell them what was good and life-giving, and believed and obeyed Him. They were dependent upon Him for Life, and life was good (Gen. 1-2).

But even though Adam and Eve did not have a sin nature, they did have the ability to be deceived, and when they believed the lies that they were told by the serpent, they became deceived and everything changed (Gen. 3:13).  When they were deceived into believing that they could find Life outside of a relationship with God, they experienced a type of death. This death was not physical death, but spiritual death, which is the separation from the Life source that God was to them.

They experienced a corruption in their nature. They received the knowledge of good and evil and with it the task and propensity of judging between good and evil for themselves. This led to death because they were not designed for this role (Gen. 3:7,10-11, 22).  They were never meant to judge themselves or each other. They were not made with the capacity to judge accurately, and they were never meant to write the rules about how life was to be lived. They were designed to be dependent upon God and His good and just direction, provision, and leadership.

Sin Nature

Everyone born after Adam and Eve inherited a sin nature (Rom. 5:12).  A sin nature is an inclination to rely on oneself for life and defining good and evil, rather than living in dependence on God.  Their sin nature ruled them. They were not able to recognize their need for God as a necessary part of their flourishing as human beings (1 Cor. 2:14, 2 Cor. 4:4, Rom. 6:20; 8:7).  Living apart from God led to death. They could not see the slavery and the death that it was bringing (Rom 6:20, 7:5, 8:6-8). Death manifested in their relationships and their view of themselves.  But most of all death manifested in the empty ache that results from having needs that only God can meet but not having them met by Him. They cut themselves off from the source of Life and Truth. They ceased to function according to their created design. They experienced guilt, shame, anxiety, doubt, worry and fear.

Rescued!

But, God sent His Son to rescue us (John 3:16, 1 Jn. 4:9:10).  Our belief in, and acceptance of Jesus’ death on the cross, rescued us from our slavery to sin (Rom. 10:9-10).  We are now free to follow the Spirit of God (Rom. 8:12-13). We are no longer blind, we are no longer deceived, and we are no longer dead (Luke 4:18; John 9:25; Rom. 6:9-10; Titus 3:3-5).  We are no longer under judgement; and shame no longer has any place in our lives (Rom. 8:1; 10:11).

Salvation is a rescue from deception!  Our eyes are opened to our broken, sinful, ruined state and our need for constant dependence upon God (John 3:21).  We recognize our need for God’s love, grace and acceptance as the source of our identity and security. We recognize our inability to return ourselves back to our original design without God’s transforming power.  As Christians we don’t become “good,” we see the truth that we are not and never will be on our own. We are still full of sin because we still have lies buried deep within us that drive us to live in ways that do not bring Life.  These lies need to be uncovered with God’s transforming power. This process of sanctification will take the rest of our life.

Finally the answer to the Question: What is the nature of our struggle with sin?

When we accept the gift of salvation we are restored to our true nature, one that is dependant upon God as the source of Life.  But just like Adam and Eve, we are susceptible to deception. Satan continues his pattern of deceiving humans with lies concerning how we as humans are to relate to our Creator God, but we are aware of Satan’s schemes now, and we don’t have to believe him.  We have the ability to sin but that doesn’t necessitate a sin nature. So, I think a better description of my continued struggle is not a struggle with my sin nature, but with the lies that I believe. We are in a spiritual battle. Satan’s weapons are lies.  The Bible calls him the father of lies (John. 8:44; James 4:7). First Peter 5:8-9 says, “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him.” And we are told in Ephesians 6:11 to “Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.”   As we defeat lies, we fight evil and begin to thrive in life.

One of the major tasks of spiritual growth is to allow the Holy Spirit to reveal the lies that I believe and replace them with truth (Jn. 8:32, 2 Pet. 1:19, Jn. 17:17, Rom. 12:2, Eph. 4:17-21).  God doesn’t just change us into fully flourishing human beings overnight. He is not interested in outward behavior. God wants to transform our hearts through the long process of uncovering lies and revealing truth.  This is an enormous and complicated undertaking. I have been collecting lies since the day I was born. The web of lies that I believe are all tangled up together, and each lie leads to the next. It is difficult to discern where one lie ends and the next lie begins.  And some of the lies are buried under the lie that I don’t believe them. This army of lies that I believe are the reason that as a Christian I continue to struggle with sin. This is the part of my salvation that I have to work out (Phil. 2:12-13). As I allow God to show me the lies that I believe, together we weed them out one by one.  This will be an ongoing process of growth throughout my entire life.

It was belief in a lie that brought sin into the human race.  It was belief in Jesus that freed the human race from judgment and slavery to sin.  And it is our beliefs that continue to lead us to either death or life. See Romans 5:17, “For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God’s abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ!” When Adam and Eve were deceived by the serpent they embraced a whole litany of untruths concerning the character of God, how we are to relate to Him, and our own identity.  

The list below is a small sample of the lies that Adam and Eve believed, and we too are deceived into believing:

I can be God of my own life

I don’t need any outside Source, I can be independent of The Source

I can trust myself more than God

I am a more reliable source of truth than God is

Life can be found in sources other than God, I can gain life apart from God

God might hold back things from me that are good

God might not have my best interests in mind, He might not be good

I need to experience things for myself before I know that God can be trusted

I can get knowledge and wisdom apart from The Source

I can judge good and evil

Lies that we believe about God:

God only loves me when we I am good

God is angry at me when I am bad

God leaves me when I am bad

God does not accept me when I am bad

God rewards good behavior with good circumstances

Lies that we believe about ourselves:

I am bad

I must earn my worthiness

My actions determine my worth

I am unlovable

Lies we believe about relationships:

I do not need relationships

I am the judge of others

Other people can fill my need for love

Lies about life:

If I am good at things, then I have value

If I accomplish things for God than I am acceptable

If I am good than I can earn favor in God’s eyes

If I am successful than I am valuable and worthy

Theology

Every Day Adam and Eve

I have been thinking a lot about how similar we are to Adam and Eve.  They did not kill anyone, or steal, or commit adultery. All they did was believe lies, and disobey one command.  But it ruined everything, because sin is not about doing immoral things, it is about believing lies that cut us off from the very Source of Life.  Sometimes I don’t think of myself as sinful because I do not behave immorally. Our understanding of the nature of sin is important because it impacts our understanding of the nature of salvation.  If sin is doing bad things, then when we are “saved,” we will become content to just live good moral lives. But if sin is seeking to find life in things other than God, then salvation is a restoration to our original design and a reconnection to our Life Source. This does not simply lead to moral behavior, it leads to the recovery of our purpose as humans and to joining God in his plan to create and cultivate life.  Living a moral life is not a big enough vision of salvation because I could life a moral life and completely miss out on receiving Life from the living God.

I constantly live in sin because I constantly fall back into looking to things other than God for my value, and source of life.  Salvation is finding out who I am in relation to God and my true identity, not just learning how to be good. As I grow spiritually, I learn to receive life and pour it back out into the world around me.  Morality is a result but it is not the main purpose or focus of my salvation.

We were created to be dependent upon God for life.  Adam and Eve were susceptible to believing lies and we are too.  They believed the lie that they didn’t need God and that they could find life apart from Him.  They believed that they would be better off if they ruled themselves. But it wasn’t true, the knowledge of good and evil didn’t give them the Life that they had hoped for.  They disrupted the whole order of everything that God created, and nothing worked as it was designed to work anymore.

We believe these same lies.  We listen to the lies that our culture whispers to us, like:

“God is keeping something good from me.”

“It’s okay to disobey unreasonable or unfair authority.”

“I owe God nothing.”

“God’s rules take away my freedom.”

“God’s boundaries keep me from good things.”

“I am my own authority.”

“God doesn’t love me, he just wants to control me.”

“As an educated society, we have the ability to determine what is right and wrong.”

“I can decide for myself what is true and right.”

And we just believe it.  And we miss out on all that life could be.  

We live according to the disrupted order of things, rather than according to the way that we were designed.  Rather than getting our needs for security and significance met in God, we go to other sources to fill us, just like Adam and Eve did.  We go to things like achievements, social status, talents, or love relationships to find a sense of identity and purpose. Those sources never fill us though.  Any source that we use to find fulfillment, other than God, is unstable, we can lose it at any time. We live in a state of anxiety and fear that we will lose the thing that we are counting on to make us feel like we are enough. We become defensive and angry when we feel that our misplaced identity is threatened.  We are devastated when we lose things that we placed our hope in. Sometimes we even feel like there is nothing left to live for. We also stay focused on ourselves and our needs. Relationships are seen as a means to meet personal needs. When relationships fail to meet our needs, we become angry and live in resentment or move on.

The reason for so much relational strife, especially in marriage, is that both partners are willing to meet the needs of the other, as long as the other is meeting theirs.  But they are both starting at a place of emptiness, waiting for the other to fill them first. We have nothing to give because we are empty. We are not the creators of love, God is. He is the only source that will fill us and enable us to love others selflessly, the way that we were created to.

Our problem is not that we are so immoral and “bad”, it is that we believe lies that keep us from returning to the Source of life.  God wants to rescue us and be everything that He was meant to be to us, and allow us to be everything He created us to be. He wants to return everything to the created order so that we will experience true Life.

God gave Adam and Eve a beautiful paradise to rule over.  They were to love, care for and cultivate the land, the animals, and each other.  God poured Life into them and they were able to pass that life on to the world and to others from a place of fullness.   They were made to be filled with God’s love and care. God was the source of life, their relationship with Him was central, and His authority over them was good.

We can be restored to our original design.  We were designed to be filled by God so that we can pour life into others, and the world around us.  We must recognize God as God. He is our creator. He does have authority over us. He is good and only wants good for us.  He loves us and wants to fill us with that love. His love enables us to have life and pass on life. He made the ultimate sacrifice to demonstrate His love for us.

Salvation is more than escaping the consequence of sin, it is returning to who I was meant to be, and how life was supposed to be lived.  This salvation begins to occur when I admit that I have been deceived, and denounce the lies that I have believed about God, myself, and life.  I need to admit that I have a need for love, acceptance, worth, and purpose, and that I have tried to use people and things, rather than God to meet those needs. I experience salvation when I begin to depend on God and receive His love, grace, and acceptance in a tangible way.  God’s love frees me to take my eyes off myself, because all of my needs are met, and pour out all of the love, grace, and acceptance that He has given me, to others.

 

Theology

Acceptance

Acceptance is a key part of spiritual growth.  When we understand that we are accepted, we live on the basis of relationship rather than trying to prove ourselves worthy.  We tend to work very hard to make ourselves good enough for God.  This is the law working within us.  It helps some sick parts of us- such as our self-righteousness, our pride, and our fear of being dependent -feel safe, in control, and less vulnerable and needy.  Acceptance does away with the need to prove ourselves worthy and replaces it with an appeal to living on the basis of relationship rather than by performance and good works.  When we truly understand that God isn’t mad at us anymore, we become free to concentrate on love and growth instead of trying to appease Him” (How People Grow p.150).

Sometimes, when parents discover that their teenager has made a poor choice they express their disappointment and provide punishment.  Sometimes in churches when people admit to going through struggles, their behavior is addressed with expediency, and they may be required to make a public confession, removed from ministry, or told to take a break from people. Sometimes in marriage, when we find out that our spouse has wronged us in some way, we express disapproval, we get angry, we may give the silent treatment.

In all of these situations, the responses are not without reason. We want someone who has made a poor choice to change their behavior.  And we want them to know that we do not accept that type of behavior.  But these responses are punitive rather than redemptive.  Shame and punishment may discourage someone from repeating the same behavior, but our goal should be restoration, redemption, and spiritual growth, not just behavioral change.

“Acceptance is the state of receiving someone into relationship.  To be accepted is to have all of your parts, good and bad, received by another without condemnation.  Because of God’s grace, we are accepted into relationship with Him.  The Cross appeased the requirement of God’s holiness and we are restored to acceptance.  Acceptance breaks our bondage to the impossible demands of the law.  So, when we break the law now, we do not lose our relationship with God.  We are forever in a state of acceptance” (How People Grow p.149-150).

“God’s acceptance of us in no way negates or minimizes our badness.  In fact, He is able to receive us now, not because we are innocent, but because our debt of guilt has been fully paid, once and for all.  So when we are afraid that He will not accept us because we have done something wrong, it is we who, at some level, are negating and minimizing what he has done for us.  There is truly now no condemnation for those who belong to Jesus (Rom. 8:1)” (How People Grow p.149).

“Acceptance is a bridge to developing safe and growth producing relationships, both with God and with people.  We can’t grow unless we are sure that we are both known and loved.  Relationship can’t occur unless both knowledge and love are present.  When people are in an accepting environment they can stop pretending to be someone they aren’t.  They can rest in the relationship.  That is what trust is all about. The warmth and permission to be ourselves allow us to be more honest and vulnerable and allow us to bring to light parts of ourselves that need to be connected to relationship.  This connection to relationship itself fuels growth in us” (How People Grow p.150-151).

“Many people are stuck in their spiritual growth because they can’t be completely themselves.  They are able to be real about their opinions, happy times, humor or care for others, however they think that their depression, sad times, addictions, or neediness are unacceptable to God or people, so they live as though those parts didn’t exist.  We need to experience all of our souls, whether good, bad or broken; otherwise, what is not brought into the light of God’s love and relationship cannot be matured, healed, and integrated into the rest of our character”  (How People Grow p.151).

“To experience and “be’” our sinful or broken selves is only one step in spiritual growth, however.  Another necessary step is to bring those feelings and parts into relationship with God and others. (James 5:16) We are to confess to each other, which means “to agree with the truth.” Confession involves taking a risk with a negative part of ourselves, letting someone else know about it.  As we experience comfort, identification, and truth without judgment, we begin to heal”  (How People Grow p.153-154).

If we want people to be able to confess and grow, we must provide an environment of humility an acceptance.  Punishment leads to a lack of trust.  A lack of safety.  If we are not safe from condemnation, we are not safe to grow in that environment.  A person is redeemed when they are able to address the deeper underlying issues that caused the behaviors in the first place.  This can only be done in the context of relationships. Safe, accepting, trusting relationships.  We can say punishment is done in love, but when people do not feel loved we are not accomplishing God’s purposes of restoring them to health.

In an environment of no condemnation, people are honest about issues they haven’t felt safe to reveal before.  When they find that it’s okay to confess one problem, they fire up the backhoe and they dig deeper into the dark parts of their souls. As acceptance increases, so does confession, and with confession come intimacy and growth. (How People Grow p.154)

See the Next Post for More on Spiritual Growth.

Theology

A Look At Spiritual Growth

If not will-power, shame, and legalism, then what?  How do we grow?  If Spiritual Growth is not better behavior, then what is it?

It is common to try to grow spiritually by starting with our behavior.  But spiritual growth is not a process of changing behavior, it is a process of discovering who I was originally created to be.  It is the process of my heart being transformed by experiencing the love, grace, and acceptance of God.  The love and grace of God reveals my true Identity.  When I encounter the love of God, I begin to understand who I really am.  I am a chosen, valuable, deeply loved child of God.  As I become secure in my identity, my life simply flows out of an overwhelming sense of assurance of who I am as a fully loved person.  I begin to live more and more according to God’s original design and purpose for me.

Starting with behavior addresses growth at the wrong point in the process.  All of our behaviors are driven by our deeply held subconscious beliefs.   When we try to rush right into changing behaviors and don’t slow down long enough to look deep into our hearts for the beliefs that lead to the behaviors, we end up just “washing the outside of the cup.”  Outward behavior change is too shallow of a goal.

For example, let’s say someone at church did something to hurt you, and you know that “good Christians” forgive, so you do all of the actions of forgiving.  You accept the apology, you smile when you see that person, you even trade polite conversation occasionally. But in your heart you are still angry, you are hoping that someday the person will get what they deserve, and you know that you will never allow yourself to be friends again.  We can do all of the right things on the outside but still be dead inside.  If we want Life, we have to address what is going on in our heart that makes it difficult to love the things that God loves, rather than just being satisfied with outward behavior.

If we are gritting our teeth while following “the rules,” it is not biblical transformation it’s just living according to The Law.  When we are growing spiritually we will experiencing of a softening of the heart.  Don’t ignore or deny the tension between behavior and the heart, because it keeps us from addressing the issues that prevent us from changing at the heart level.  Only a transformational experience with the Love of God will reach deep enough to touch the internal beliefs of our heart.  When you see yourself as a loved person, your heart begins to change, and different behavior naturally follows.

For example, the other day my husband made dinner for our family and he tasted the vegetables that he made and said, “Wow, these are delicious, we should eat this every night!”  And I noticed a small miracle.  I did not feel hurt by his comment.  In the past I would have become disproportionally hurt and then angry as a result of his comment.  I would have taken his comment to mean that his cooking was better than mine. I would have blamed him and caused turmoil in our relationship.  I believed deep in my heart that my value and worth were tied to his thoughts about my cooking ability.  But through a very long growth process, I have come to believe deep in my heart that my value and worth come only from what God says about me.  I grew spiritually.  I became more dependent on God.  The changing of my deepest beliefs about the source of my value led to a change in my interpretation of the event, and therefore, a change in the emotional experience of the event, and finally a change in behavior.  I no longer become offended, blame, and start fights.  This is not because I am trying to be good, it is because I no longer believe lies about who I am.  God wants us to be alive, not just good.  If I had only focused on my behavior, I would have never experienced the freedom that I have gained through knowing the truth of my value.  And I have also been freed up to enjoy my husband’s joy in his own cooking.  I am free to love and encourage him rather than worrying about protecting my own self-worth.

Spiritual Growth is a process.  It takes time.  We are often in a hurry to be perfect but God is not in a hurry, He is patient.  He wants our hearts to be transformed, and that is a very long and complex process, not an overnight fix.  Growing as a human is not like programming a computer, it is more like learning to play baseball or guitar.  There is no point of “arrival”.  You never become “perfect” at playing a sport or an instrument.  There is always room for growth.  Even the best baseball player at the peak of his career makes mistakes, and even strikes out sometimes.  There is no perfect spouse, there is no perfect child, and there is no perfect Christian.  We will always be in process and dependent on God.

See the Next Post for More on Spiritual Growth.

Relationships

What is the Deeper Issue?

Here are several examples of common disagreements in relationships.  Each disagreement arises out of insecurity, because someone is looking to something, other than God, to provide their sense of value and worth.

Travis and Misty

Misty asked if she could talk to Travis about something. They sat down and she asked if they could come to an agreement on their regular weekly schedule because she felt that they had not had a lot of time together lately.  Travis defensively said that they had had lots of time together lately.  And pointed out all of the times during the past weeks that they had spent together.  He also said that there were many events that she could have attended with Him but had chosen not to.

What was Misty feeling? Lonely, neglected, not a priority.

What was Travis feeling? Attacked, falsely accused, failure, hurt, betrayed.

Did the amount of emotion that Travis expressed match the situation? No, his feelings of failure and therefore defensiveness, didn’t match the tone of the calendar meeting that Misty was offering.

What was the surface issue and what was the deeper issue? The surface issue was time spent together, but the deeper issue was Travis’ insecurity in his ability to be a good husband.  Travis was receiving the message “You are a failure as a husband,” even though that message was not sent.

What might have been the underlying belief or fear?  Travis believed that he needed to be seen as a good husband by Misty to feel that he had value.  He feared being a failure as a husband and therefore losing his value.

When Misty shared her feeling of not having enough time, Travis felt it as epic failure as a husband.  The pain was too much, he had to defend himself from the attack that he perceived against his being a “good husband.” (phantom wound) He needed to make Misty believe that he was not guilty of any shortcoming in that area.  He also tried to put some of the blame, that he felt, back on her to alleviate some of the pain.

Travis had received a message early on in his life that he was not good enough.  And he had determined to be “good enough” by being an excellent husband or in other words, “perfect.” He believed that he could not be deficient in any way.  Imperfection was unacceptable.  He believed that if he could just be excellent at being a husband and father he could see himself as truly valuable.  His insecurity was the deeper issue that needed to be addressed before good communication would be helpful.

Kristen and Jared

Kristen and Jared had been married for 10 years.  Jared was often late getting home from work to their 5:00 dinner.  Kristen asked him to be on time for meals, she tried to reason with him, she expressed her anger with him.  She told him that she felt like he did not love her.  But he was still sometimes late.  She became bitter in general in their everyday life, and they fought about more things because of her angry disposition.

What is Kristen feeling? She was feeling devalued, unloved, unwanted, and hurt.

What is Jared feeling? He felt attacked, judged, frustrated, and confused.

Did the emotion inside of Kristen match the situation? No, her feelings of being unloved and therefore angry were way out of proportion to the offence.

What was the surface issue and what was the deeper issue? The surface issue was the lateness, but the deeper issue was Kristen’s insecurity.  She was hearing the message, “You have no value, I don’t love you,” when that message was not being sent.

What might have been the underlying belief or fear? Kristen feared that she was unlovable. She believed that Jared’s actions would prove that she was either valuable or not valuable.

Do you think Kristen’s reaction to the situation resulted in getting her needs met? No, her angry reaction resulted in Jared pulling further away from her.

What did she think she wanted, and what did she actually want? She thought she wanted Jared to be home on time, but she actually wanted to know that she was valuable.

Would good communication resolve this issue easily? No, because she did not know what her deeper issue was.

Would the problem have been solved by simple behavior changes? No, even if Jared was home on time every night, Kristen would see other things that would convince her that he did not love her.

Kristen felt unloved and that hurt deeply.  She expressed the hurt in anger.  But the anger resulted in her husband pulling even further away, and spending less time at home. (self-sabotage)

Kristen feared that she might be unlovable.  She believed that her value was dependent upon whether Jared loved her or not.  If he did not spend time with her or come home for dinner on time, she felt like he didn’t love her and she became hurt and angry. (phantom wound)

No human could ever represent love in a way that would convince someone to be secure.  Human’s fail.  It is an impossible task.  The deeper issue was Kristen’s insecurity.  Insecurity was driving her deep hurt and pain, not the circumstances.  No amount of communication or behavior change would have made the pain go away.  The deeper issue of Security had to be addressed.

Tim and Laura

Tim was on the board of the HOA.  Tim encouraged Laura to attend all of the meetings.  One evening after a meeting that Tim and Laura attended, Laura shared her opinion about a neighborhood issue.  Tim disagreed intensely, and asked why Laura had to be so negative and critical rather than positive and affirming.  And he pointed out that He was on the board, not her.

What was Tim feeling? Attacked, belittled, incompetent.

What was Laura feeling? Confused, belittled.

Did the amount of emotion that Tim expressed match the situation? No, his feelings of incompetence and therefore anger were way out of proportion to Laura’s input.

What was the surface issue and what was the deeper issue? The surface issue was whether or not Laura should share her opinions.  The deeper issue was that Tim was hearing the message “You are not competent,” even though that is not the message that was sent.

What might have been the underlying belief or fear? The underlying belief was that Laura’s praise would provide Tim’s value.  The underlying fear was if Laura did not see Tim as competent, then maybe he was incompetent and therefore not valuable.

Do you think Tim’s reaction to Laura’s input resulted in getting what he wanted? No, Laura became less likely to give the praise he was looking for.

What did he think he wanted, and what did he actually want? He thought he wanted praise, but he actually wanted to know that he had value.

Tim wanted affirmation, but by rejecting Laura’s opinions and demanding affirmation, he received less and less praise.  Laura found it difficult to give praise and affirmation when she felt that her opinions were belittled.   Also, Tim did not seem to need praise, because he seemed to know, too well, that he was doing a good job. (self-sabotage)

Tim believed that his value came from being competent in his work.  He found it hard to hear input that contradicted what he did in his work, because it felt like a value judgement on his capability.  His capability was monumentally important because when he felt capable, he was able to love and accept himself, but when he felt incapable, he believed he had no basis for worth as a human being, and that was extremely painful.  The praise of others was the proof of his value, and the lack of it meant that he was worthless.

The deeper issue was Tim’s insecurity.  Insecurity caused Tim to feel opinions as personal attacks, even when he was not being attacked. (phantom wound) No amount of communication or behavior change would have made the pain go away.  The deeper issue of Security had to be addressed.

Frank and Linda

Frank and Linda went grocery shopping together.  As Linda picked things up from the shelf, Frank would get down low in front of her and examine each item’s price per ounce, and compare it with all of the other items like it.  Linda became angry and said “I’m not stupid, I know how to get the best price per ounce, I don’t need your help!”

What was Linda feeling? Stupid, attacked, belittled, incompetent, hurt.

What was Frank feeling? Attacked, rejected, in-trouble, hurt.

Did the amount of emotion that Linda expressed match the situation? No, her feelings of being stupid and therefor anger, were way out of proportion to Frank’s price comparison.

What was the surface issue and what was the deeper issue? The surface issue was, who should do the price comparison.  The deeper issue was that Linda was looking to Frank for the final word on her intelligence and worth.

What might have been the underlying belief or fear?  Linda believed that Frank thought that she was stupid.  She also believed that if she was intelligent, then she was valuable, and if she was stupid then she was not valuable.  She feared that she was stupid and therefore not valuable.

Linda believed that her value came from her competence.  She needed Frank to believe that she was competent, to feel “ok” about herself.  Frank’s actions felt to her like accusations of incompetence even though he did not think she was incompetent. (phantom wound) She was deeply wounded but not by Frank.  This is not a simple matter of communication; Linda’s Security must be addressed.

 

 

Theology

Accidental Legalism

Most Christians know that they are saved by grace, but once saved, many people live their lives as if their continued favor in the sight of God is based upon their good moral life or actions.  Even those of us who knew that we were loved by our parents, know the feeling of shame that comes from disappointing our mom or dad.  Unfortunately, many of us carry the shame of parental disapproval based on our action into our relationship with God.  Whether it was meant or not, we got the message that we were not acceptable when we did bad things.  We confuse seeing the behavior as bad, with seeing ourselves as bad.

There are many ways that we can be deceived or blind.  One example is not recognizing our ability to believe two or more conflicting things at the same time.  We believe one thing deep inside while professing another thing with our conscious minds.  Our professed doctrine and internal beliefs are at odds with each other, because what we truly believe in our hearts and what we think we believe can be two different things.  Many Christians profess to believe that we are saved by faith, not by works, but live out a gospel of good behavior and dependence on self-effort.  If we don’t examine our deeply held beliefs, we may accidentally fall into legalism.

Legalism– In theology, legalism is defined as the doctrine that salvation or “favor from God,” is gained through good works, and the judging of conduct in terms of adherence to precise laws or commands.

There are several types of legalism, but the type I am addressing is not the type that claims that salvation is gained by works, but the type that practices Christianity as if obeying rules and regulations was the main point.  In this distortion, the keeping of God’s laws is seen as an end in itself.  A person tries hard to follow the laws, and when they keep them, they have achieved the goal of being a “good Christian,” and when they break the laws they are not a “good Christian.”  The goal becomes earning affirmation and worthiness from those in authority through being good.

 However, the truth is, God wants us to experience the freedom and Life that Adam and Eve experienced in the Garden.  He wants to rescue our hearts, not our behavior.  God is the source of Life.  As we are loved alive by Him, we begin to see the truth of who He is, who we are, and how life is meant to be lived.  As the lies that we believed are uncovered, we begin to internalize Truth, and our behavior will change as a result of Truth, rather than will-power. But our good behavior isn’t the goal.  The goal is Life.  God’s power, not ours transforms our hearts and gives us Life.

These two descriptions may sound very similar because they both result in changed behavior but the difference is in the purpose, power, and motivation for following God.

These are the Main Components to a Legalistic Approach:

We try really hard to follow all of God’s laws, and we get really good at it, and it feels good.  We alternate between pride and self-condemnation.  We define sin to include only behaviors, so that we can follow all of the laws and see ourselves as “good Christians.”  We blind ourselves to our own personal sin.  If we were to see that our pursuit of security and significance in success or goodness is just as sinful, it would destroy the sense of value we gain from being good.  This blindness to sin leads to a sense of pride from earning our goodness by being good.  But, we eventually fail to live up to this standard, so we experience self-condemnation and believe that we are worse than everyone else, and therefore worthless.

We see everything as either black or white.  Everything is interpreted in terms of whether it is absolutely right or wrong; sin or not sin.  “Being right” is made to be the highest priority.  At any point in time, we feel we can evaluate ourselves as either being “in sin” or not being “in sin”.  We are either “on the right path” or “in disobedience”.  And we tend to evaluate others this way as well.  People are seen according to their being in or out of sin.

In a sense, we believe perfection is possible.  We believe that if we are really committed to Christ and we try our very hardest to follow all of the rules, we could do it.   We believe that those who struggle spiritually are morally defective, including ourselves.  We believe leaders can and should be morally perfect, or at least spiritually superior.  We put them on a pedestal and believe they have achieved holiness, and we compare ourselves to them and wonder what is wrong with us.  Then when we see them fail in some way we are shocked, and disillusioned, because it doesn’t make any sense with our belief that people are either good or bad, sinless or sinful.

We find ourselves laying guilt and shame on others. We shame others by pointing out their failures. “You have not loved well, cared well or tried hard enough.”  “You have not been a good enough son, daughter, or Christian.”  If you were a good Christian, you would- fill in the blank.  We shame ourselves as well.  The goal of this shame is behavior change.  We believe that shame is a good motivator.

Over time we find ourselves judging others. We find others guilty and we condemn them.  We see ourselves as having sinned less than others and we believe that puts us above them; in a position to judge.  We entertain feelings of superiority, indignation, and condemnation toward others who have sinned.  We punish others by yelling, intimidating, and withholding relationship.  We may call this Matthew 18, but if is punitive or done without humility, gentleness, and patience, it is not Matthew 18. Whether our judgment is acted out, or is only in our hearts, this is not our role as fellow sinners and strugglers (Matt. 7:1-5; John 8:3-8; Rom. 2:1-3; James 4:11-12).  Judging and punishing others only makes sense if we believe that behavior is the most important thing, and that people can avoid sin and, in a sense, be perfect if they try hard enough.  But neither of these premises are true.

We see those who have made mistake as “damaged goods.”  We lose respect for them because of their “failure.”  This thinking applies to ourselves as well.  We believe that once we mess up we are ruined.  We missed the standard and we are left with no way back.  We are overcome with feelings of failure, shame, worthlessness and defeat.

We force ourselves to behave in ways that we really don’t believe in.  We are constantly conflicted within ourselves because we want to be good, so we do those good things, but we don’t really want to do the good things, and we are actually bitter about having to do those good things, but we really don’t know why or with whom.

Legalism is a whole system or false beliefs.  One false belief leads to another.  And legalism can be practiced without God.  If we are able to be sinless by trying hard, we don’t need God’s power or his grace.  If we can be perfect by trying hard, we have every reason to be prideful and self-righteous.  If we have our own righteousness, then we don’t need the righteousness of Christ.

No one would ever purposely decide to be a legalistic Christian, but our experiences, false interpretations, or distorted teachings that we hear, influence our deeply held beliefs.  Over time we find ourselves accepting certain lies and practices, and we end up becoming legalistic in our approach to Christianity.

If we want to experience the Life that God has for us and a true heart change, we need to make ourselves available to the Holy Spirit to illuminate any lies that we have unintentionally come to believe.

When we stop focusing on our own will-power to change our behavior, and we open ourselves up to the work of the Holy Spirit to transform our hearts by his love and grace, our lives become an outflow of our identity as dearly loved children.

When we understand and experience the truth of God’s Grace, we begin to see ourselves the way God sees us.  When we stop expecting perfection of ourselves, shaming ourselves, judging ourselves, and punishing ourselves, we stop doing it to others.  We will never be able to accomplish this by sheer will power.  We need the Holy Spirit to illuminate the lies we have adopted, so that He can transform our hearts rather than just our behavior.  This is the ongoing process of spiritual growth.

 

Theology

Salvation

The simplest understanding of salvation is being saved from eternal punishment.

This is true. Salvation from judgement is based on acceptance or rejection of Jesus.  When I believe that Jesus’ death on the cross paid for my sin, and I accept God’s gift, then the penalty of sin is settled.  I will not face condemnation or judgment.

So when you think about judgement, only think about what you believe about Jesus. Whether or not we receive the penalty of sin is based completely on our belief about Jesus.  This is legal or judicial salvation.  But, “forgiveness of sin” is not the whole Gospel. Salvation according to the Bible is so much more.

The Bible talks about a second way that we are saved from sin.  We are saved from the control of sin.  We used to be slaves to sin; we had to obey sin.   And we were experiencing the deadly results of it every day.  But God has set us free!  He has given us salvation from slavery.  Romans 6:17-18 says, “You used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted.  You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.”   Romans 6:20 says, “When you were slaves to sin you were free from the control of righteousness.”  And Romans 6:22 says, “You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God.”  If you believe that sin is good for you, then this may not sound like good news, but if you believe that sin leads to the death and destruction of your soul, then salvation from the control of sin is very good news!

We all believe many lies.  Some of yours may be:

No one loves me.

I am not worth anything.

Someone’s love will give me value.

God does not care about me.

God cannot forgive me.

Money will give me happiness and security.

I don’t need people.

I need to be perfect to be acceptable.

Lies go against the truth of who we are and who God is, and therefore they are sin.  Lies lead to more sin.  Sin destroys our lives.  But God wants to rescue us from sin.  He wants to breathe truth into us and give us Life.

I have been freed from so many of these lies, but I still have so many more to defeat.  This is what it means to fight evil.  I think that is the work of participating in our salvation beginning now.  These lies are sin that is still lingering after the forgiveness has been granted.  We are no longer slaves to these lies.  We can be free from them, but it will take reliance on God and receiving his truth.  Salvation from sin’s daily control, is the ongoing work of fighting evil by believing truth. God doesn’t do this by himself, this is the part that we have to participate in. This is how we grow in our own ability to live according to our design.  This is the process of sanctification.  When we are reborn in Christ we are positionally righteous, and it is not based on our works, but it will take a while to learn how to be “actually” righteous.

We have been set free from the control of sin but that doesn’t mean that we are free from the influence of sin.  We are still in a spiritual battle.  That is why we are told in First Peter 5:8-9, “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him.”  And we are told in Ephesians 6:11 to “Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.”  We have collected a lifetime of lies to believe, we will not conquer them in one day or even one year.  It will take a lot of battle in the spirit with the power of truth on our side to uncover and defeat them.

Experiencing redemption from the penalty of sin is definitely a gift to celebrate, but when we experience the truth of God’s love, unconditional acceptance, unmerited favor, compassion, and kindness, it’s even better. We experience this when we snip our ties of dependence from everything else and depend on God alone.  He catches us.  He fills us full of Life.  When we experience freedom from the bondage of sin and all of its lies, it’s so freeing. It is like a second salvation.  Each new encounter with truth, and the falling away of another death-producing-lie, is like a new salvation.  The biggest salvation is knowing and accepting the truth of God’s love for you.

The cross was motivated out of love- not anger, I think many people miss that.  We see God as judge, and He is.  He had to judge sin, but it is finished.  Now, we only experience Him as “Father”, not “Judge”. We are His beloved children.  We need to spend time getting refilled by His abundant love.

So we don’t let go of sin because we fear losing our salvation, or God’s acceptance (although that would not happen anyway) but because we want Life, not death.  Life is being restored to who you were created to be, restored to your original design.  Think about what happens when a computer gets a virus. The computer no longer functions the way it should and if you don’t eradicate the virus, eventually you get the “blue screen of death”.  It is the same with us, when we allow sin in by believing lies, we begin functioning in ways that destroy our lives.  We begin to die, but when we eradicate the lies and become dependent on our Source again, we come back to Life.

Salvation should communicate a bigger picture than to just “stop being bad and be good”.  It should communicate the importance of coming back to the Life that God created us for; Life as God designed it to work.  Jesus did not die to make us into “good people”, he died to give us Life.  When we return to dependence on God as the Source, we benefit from experiencing Life as God created it to be.  Turning from our sin is not just a means to escape condemnation, it is the way back to Life.

Relationships

Healthy Relationship Principles

Healthy Relationship Principles:

The goal of agreeing to observe these principles is to build deep, positive, meaningful, respectful, healthy, long-lasting, loving relationships.  Love cannot be demanded or forced, it must be cultivated through numerous positive interactions and honoring behavior which leads to good feelings and mutual trust.  Negative interactions, poor communication skills, and poor boundaries erode trust and feelings of love, and eventually kill relationships.  Hopefully these principles applied to your relationships will lead to the healing of old wounds. the rebuilding of trust and love, and result in deeper and more meaningful relationships than ever before.

As a healthy, responsible person I will do my best to:

  1. Set healthy boundaries for myself regarding the things that are mine (my body, my choices, my time, my emotions, my beliefs, my possessions, etc.), and not take on false guilt for doing so.
  2. Honor the boundaries of others by allowing others to make choices regarding their body, time, possessions, etc. and not impose false guilt on them for doing so.
  3. Accept the fact that I cannot make rules for the way other people behave towards me, speak to me, treat me, or live their lives because I cannot control them and they are not accountable to me, they are accountable to God. Other people are outside of my boundaries.  I can only control the way I behave and respond.  (Matt. 7:1-5; Luke 6:37-38; Rom. 12:19; 1 Cor. 4:5; James 4:11-12)
  4. Respond to an offense in a Christ-like manner. I can decide to respond in a Christ-like manner to an offense or not.  [A Christ -like response to an offense would be to express my pain or desire at an appropriate time, in a kind way, and/or remove myself from the situation as long as necessary for emotional and spiritual health.  There is never an excuse for responding to evil with evil.]  (Matt. 5:21-22; Matt. 5:38-42; Matt. 18:33; Luke 6:29-31; Rom. 12:17-19; James 1:19-20; 1 Pet. 3:8-9; Prov. 19:11; and Prov. 29:11; 2 Tim. 2:23-24; Titus 3:3-5)
  5. I will only confront in love, not in angry retaliation. I will only confront in a constructive and beneficial way.  The goal of confrontation should always be to restore the relationship between two people and between each person and God.  The goal should never be to punish or to vent angry feelings.  The manner of confrontation should always be gentle.  (Matt 5:23-24; Matt. 18:15-20; Gal 6:1; Eph. 4:2-3; Col. 3:12-14; 2 Tim. 2:25-26)
  6. Be responsible to others, but not for others. [This means loving others by being kind in my words and actions and occasionally helping them with burdens, such as crisis or tragedy (medical crisis, death in the family, abuse crisis), things they cannot do for themselves.  But I do not need to take on responsibility for things that are within another person’s boundaries [(finances, deadlines, care of possessions, etc. (their “own load.”)] (Gal. 6:2-5)
  7. Be responsible for:  My own daily responsibilities (my own load- my own feelings, responsibilities, behaviors, choices, attitudes, thoughts). (Gal. 6:5)
  • Feelings- My feelings are my problem, no one else is responsible for making me feel a certain way. If I want to feel better, I have to change something that I can control, rather than try to get other people to change. If I feel a certain way, it is my responsibility to behave in a Christ-like way regardless of what others do.
  • Responsibilities-Providing for myself financially, meeting deadlines, transportation, care of and managing my own possessions.
  • Behaviors-I need to face the consequences of my own behaviors and not expect anyone to bail me out of my messes. Also, I should not rescue others from the consequences of their behavior because it robs them of learning to make better choices.
  • Choices- I am responsible for my choices. I can never blame someone else for my choices.  I don’t have to give in to pressure, guilt, or anger from others.  I am free to make my own choices and take responsibility for them.
  • Attitudes-It is my job to identify and change my wrong attitude about life rather than except the world and people around me to change. I am the only one who can change my attitude.
  • Thoughts- I own my own thoughts, I need to question my thinking, to see where I may be wrong. And I must grow in knowledge and understanding.
  1. Behave assertively. Assertiveness is about finding a middle way between aggression and passivity that best respects the personal boundaries of everyone. Assertive people express their needs and desires without demanding.  An assertive person says “no” when they want to, and they remove themselves from a situation that is emotionally or physically destructive.  Assertive people defend themselves when someone else attempts to dominate them, even using force if necessary, to repel the invasion attempt. Domination is when someone tries to exert control over someone’s decisions or body.
  2. Assertively state requests as desires, rather than aggressive demands. (Ex. “Could you be home on time in the future? I would really appreciate it.”) And be willing to accept the outcome whether it is what I think is right or not, because I should not make a goal of something that I cannot control (i.e. other people.).
  3. Express my feelings at an appropriate time in an appropriate way when my feelings are hurt. (see Steps to take when we are angry)
  4. Not behave in an aggressive or dominating way. I will avoid criticizing, blaming, name calling, yelling, threatening, intimidating, belittling, and manipulating. (Gal. 5:20; Eph. 4:29-31; Col. 3:8)  I will not impose my will on another person and force them to submit, because it is an invasion of and disrespectful of their personal boundaries.
  1. Not behave passively- Passivity occurs when a person submits to another person’s dominance play by putting their own wishes and desires aside to fulfil the wishes and desires of the dominant person.
  2. Remove myself from any situation that seems threatening, aggressive, or too emotionally charged to be beneficial. I may say…”I need to take a time out.” or “Let’s come back to this when we both have had a chance to calm down.”

 

Relationships

Communication Skills

Communication skills:

I statements- The purpose is clean and clear communication.  Explain what is true for you.  Don’t use “you” statements. Don’t say anything about what the other person should do.  Only communicate what you feel or need.   Communicate clearly how strong your feelings are with your words not your volume.  Speak for yourself.  Don’t use “everyone” or “we” statements.  If you don’t know something as fact, don’t state it as fact, just say “I think”.

Clarifying questions- Don’t assume that you know what someone is saying.  Don’t fill in the box.  Ask questions to find out exactly what they are saying.

Paraphrase- Repeat back in your own words. “What I hear you saying…”  Ask if that is what they are saying.  Especially needed when you are listening to something you disagree with.

Awareness opportunities- Receive Awareness opportunities. When someone tells you something about yourself or that they don’t like something, listen.  Accept it.  See it as a gift.  Someone is providing you with a look at the way they see things.  Take it well.  Also, stand up for yourself, give awareness opportunities.  Example: “I don’t like it when you call me sunshine.”

When I Offend- If someone is hurt by you, focus on their feelings not on your intent. (This is an awareness opportunity)  Say “What I hear you saying is…, I didn’t know that, thank you for telling me, I apologize, In the future I will…”   Then, if you need to explain, ask for permission to explain.

Treat each other’s ideas and opinions with due consideration. This means listening to another person’s ideas, opinions, and advice with an open mind. Even if you don’t necessarily agree with them, give them the benefit of thinking about what they have said and weighing the pros and cons. You might be surprised at what you discover when you give their ideas some thought.

See the problem as the enemy, not each other.  See yourselves as being on the same team, working together to solve the problem.

Change blocked goals to desires

Don’t guess at motivation

Bring up offenses rather that stuffing

Balance positives and negatives

Give regular affirmation

Have grace for mistakes

Stay on topic

Relationships

How to Confront or Talk About an Issue

How to Confront or Talk About an Issue:

  1. Define the issue.

Disagreements, differing opinions (attitudes, feelings, motives, behaviors)

Decide if it is an issue to confront, feelings of your own to share, or you would like to work at getting on the same page on a particular issue.

  1. Overlook Minor Offenses

Overlook: Proverbs 19:11; 12:16; 20:3

Drop the matter: Proverbs 17:14

Bear with one another; Keep unity and peace, forgive each other Eph. 4:2-3; 4:31-32

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you have Col. 3:13

Turn the other cheek Matt. 5:38-39

  1. Check your Attitude and Change it

Get rid of anger: Eph. 4:31; James 1:19-20; Prov. 20:11; Ecc. 7:9; Prov. 15:18; Col. 3:8; Matt. 5:22; Psalm 37:8-9 If anger is a result of a blocked goal, change it to a desire.

Recommit to Ministry rather than control or judge: Phil. 2:3; 1 Pet. 4:10; Matt. 20:27-28; Rom. 12:10; Eph. 5:21-22 and 25-28

What attitude should you have?

A desire to “win him over,” Matt. 18

A desire to “restore him gently.” Gal. 6:1

Humble Gal. 6:3-4

Humble, gentle, patient, bearing with one another in love Eph. 4:2

A desiring for unity and peace Eph. 4:3

Compassionate, kind, humble, gentle and patient Col 3:12

A desire to bear with him and forgive him Col 3:13

Love Col. 3:14

A desire for unity and peace Col. 3:14-15

Not a desire to quarrel 2 Tim. 2:24

Kind, not resentful 2 Tim. 2:24

Gentle 2 Tim. 2:25

A desire that God would grant him repentance 2 Tim 2:25

A desire that they would escape the trap of the devil 2 Tim 2:26

A desire to reconcile Matt. 5:23-24

A lack of judgment or punishment Luke 6:37-42; Matt 7:1-5; John 8:7; James 4:11-12; Rom. 2:1-3

A lack of anger Eph. 4:31; James 1:19-20; Prov. 20:11; Ecc. 7:9; Prov. 15:18; Col. 3:8; Matt. 5:22; Psalm 37:8-9

A lack of retaliation 1 Peter 3:9; Rom. 12 17

  1. The Goal:

Rescue him from the trap of the devil (2 Tim. 2:25—26)

Win him over (Matt. 18:15)

Restore him (Gal. 6:1)

Unity, Peace, To Forgive him (Col. 3: 12-14; Eph. 4:2-3;)

Repentance (2 Tim. 2:25—26)

Reconciliation (Matt. 5:23-24)