All Blogs

Parents of young children … are you developing a comprehensive philosophy of parenting?

Links refererenced in this post … 

So how do we apply this in parenting?   How do we provide a self-esteem that is biblical and not secular?  Teaching your child self-esteem is essentially teaching the Gospel. Here are the main truths that you want to teach your children to believe about themselves:

1. Love yourself as Christ loves the church. Ephesians 5:29
2. Know you can do all things (but only) through Christ who strengthens you. Philippians 4: 13
3. None of us is “good enough.”  And yet you don’t have to be “good enough” to be valuable and loved. Know that God loves you as you are.  We are not “good enough” on our own, it is only through Jesus’ payment for our sins that we are made “good enough.”
4. All people, including you, have value because God has given us value.
5. You are worth dying for because God loves you and not because of anything you did to deserve it. None of us can earn salvation– it is a gift from God Ephesians 2:6-9.  You are worthwhile but you are not worthy. You do not deserve Christ’s sacrifice. He died for you out of love, not out of your own worthiness.

Practical applications:

• Honor your child by viewing him as a priceless treasure and treating him with love and respect regardless of whether or not his actions deserve it.
• Don’t dishonor him with anger, sarcasm, unjust criticism, unhealthy comparisons, or favoritism.
• Give grace to your child.
• Show him the Gospel as an answer to mistakes, we need forgiveness and we need to depend on Christ every day.
• Don’t compare her to other people in a negative or positive way.
• Don’t teach him that he is better than other people.
• Expect her to treat you with respect.
• Do not allow him to boss you around in an inappropriate way.
• When he sins, help him to face it and make it right.
• Don’t push him to perfection.
• Don’t love her only for her achievements.
• Love him in spite of his bad behavior and choices.
• Honor his separateness and personhood, allow him to have his own feelings, thoughts, opinion and choices (age appropriate of course).
• Don’t use guilt motivation.
• Provide fair and consistent consequences for poor choices/bad behavior.
• Deliver consequences in a godly and empathetic way.
• Tell him every day that you love him and don’t add a “because”.
• Show him his need for God.
• Don’t withhold love as a punishment or for any reason.
• Encourage him that he can accomplish anything, but only in the strength of Christ.  
• Teach him to honor all people, including you and all authority in his life.
• Teach him that he doesn’t need any talent, ability or good looks to be worthwhile because God has already given him value and no one can take it from him.
• Give him your time and attention.
• Be tender and empathetic when she is hurting.
• Teach him that holiness is more important than happiness.
• Teach her that we have nothing on our own to be proud of because God has given us every talent and ability.
• Don’t treat them him the center of the universe, he is a valuable part but everyone is equally valuable.
• Help her to embrace failure as a part of learning.
• Encourage him to try hard things even if he can’t do it perfectly the first time.
• Don’t set her up to expect perfection of herself.
• Forgive him.
• Give her physical affection often.
• Give him verbal affirmation often.
• Remind her that she is a sinner and needs God every day.
• Don’t compare him to other people.

In one sense, low self-esteem is the opposite of pride.  In another sense, low self-esteem is a form of pride. It is rejecting what God says about us, and putting our opinion above God’s.  Low self-esteem is a focus on all the negative thoughts others may be having about us, and is, in that respect, self-centered.  Also some people with low self-esteem are very defensive about their looks or abilities because they are hanging on to their last shred of self-esteem and when it is threatened they become enraged, argumentative and accusatory.  It simply takes a different route to get to the same destination, that is, self-absorption, self-obsession, and selfishness. Instead, we are to be selfless, to die to self, and to deflect any attention given to us to the great God who created and sustains us.

Self-esteem can be defined as “a realistic respect for or a confidence and satisfaction in oneself,” but it is critical to provide the right basis for self-esteem.  So as parents we need to make sure that we provide biblical self-esteem.  Many define self-esteem as “feelings of worth based on their skills, accomplishments, status, financial resources, or appearance.” There is a secular version of self-esteem that says that we are the center of the universe and the goal in life is to feel good or to have “self-contentment.”  It also says that we should ignore our failures and our need for God and focus on our achievements.  These kinds of self-esteem can lead a person to feel independent and prideful and to indulge in self-worship, which dulls our desire for God.  If we only trust in our earthly resources, we will inevitably be left with a sense of worth based on pride. Beth Moore says in her book So Long Insecurity,  “Pride lives on the defensive against anyone and anything that tries to subtract from its self-sustained worth.  Confidence, on the other hand, is driven by the certainty of God-given identity and the conviction that nothing can take that identity away” (pg. 104).

As Christian’s we should not be prideful in thinking we have attained our worth on our own or in comparison to others but we also should not think we do not have value.  The Bible says that we should see ourselves as valuable and that value should be based on who we are in Christ (Eph. 1:4-5; Gal. 4:7; Rom. 8:15-17). It teaches us that we should be humble (2 Cor. 3:4-5; Isa. 64:6, Psalm 16:2; Phil. 2-3; Romans 12:3). “We cannot do anything of lasting value by ourselves. Our only power and success come from God.”  The Bible also teaches us to be confident and secure (Jeremiah 17:7-8; Rom. 8:39; 2 Corinthians 4:7; 2 Cor. 12:10; Phil. 4:12-13).  Nothing can shake God’s love for us.  Our confidence need to be in Him and nothing else.  We have all surpassing power but it is from God and nothing else!!

“We have dignity precisely because God himself gave it to us, His prized creation.  You and I possess dignity because God himself has it and He created us in His image.  To possess dignity is to be worthy of respect.  Worthy of high esteem.  No matter how foolish insecurity has tried to make us feel, we have the right to dignity because God himself gave it to us.  If we really believed this truth we would not have to mask our insecurity with pride.  If we knew who we were, what everybody else thought of us would grow less and less significant” (So Long Insecurity, Beth Moore, 159).

God is the only source of our value, apart from him we are nothing.  Anything other than God that is used to evaluate our worth becomes an idol.  

We have value because:  

• We were created by God!  Psalm 139:13-16.  
• We were created in God’s image!  Gen 1:27.  
• We were chosen by God Himself!  God adopted us as His own children!  Eph. 1:4-6; Jn.1:12; Rom. 8:15-16; Gal. 4:7; Rev. 21:7.  
• We are loved through the expression of God’s sacrifice!  Eph. 5:2; Rom. 5:8; 1 John 4:10; 1 Thess. 5:9-10.  
• God’s love for us is unconditional!  Eph. 2:4-5; Titus 3:3-5; Rom. 5:8.  
• God has equipped us to do things that are eternally important and meaningful!  God has made us adequate for the eternally important task of affecting the destinies of human souls and he has made us able to have a meaningful impact on other human beings. Eph. 2:10; 2 Cor. 5:18-20.

Some people receive earthly talent and beauty that seem valuable to the society around us, but as real as it may seem, those things are just temporary bonuses on this earth and provide merely an illusion of value.  We need to reject the value that our culture places on external things and fully embrace our worth as a child of God, based on nothing other than the fact that we are valuable to God.  All people have the exact same value and if we see ourselves as better or worse in comparison to others then we are using the wrong scale and need to get in tune with God’s measuring stick.  We are the way we are, and that is good.  To truly have an accurate view of self, we need to accept that there is nothing we can do to alter our true value.

We should have an accurate and balanced view: “I am only valuable because of God’s love.” and “I am completely valuable because of God’s love.”

When we think we are of great value because of our beauty and talent, it is as if we arrogantly state “God I don’t need you, I have worldly commodities from which I gain my security and significance.”

Or conversely when we believe we have no value because we lack beauty and ability it is as if we distrustfully state “God you are not enough, I need the things that this world says are valuable, to be able to accept myself.”

A healthy self-esteem accepts that we are completely valuable regardless of our looks, talents etc., we are only valuable because of God’s view of us, and that we can never be more or less valuable than anyone else.

The next post will cover how you can provide a biblical self-concept for your children.

Some extreme behaviors that result from an inaccurate view of “self” are: extreme pride and self-centeredness, chronic lying, absence from church and school, legalism, severe withdrawal from society, lower academic achievement, deep feelings of loneliness, workaholism, depression, poor mate selection, extreme self-criticism, substance abuse, sexual promiscuity, unreasonable fears, avoidance of intimate relationships and suicidal thinking and attempts.

Providing the right foundation for our children’s self-esteem is one of the many important things we do for them.  It is important because how we see ourselves affects the way we treat others and the way we allow ourselves to be treated.  The way we think about ourselves can often be traced back to our parents.  As resilient as children are they do not easily escape the effects of a parent who was unaware of their need for love and respect, grace and correction.  People who did not gain an accurate view of themselves in the early years often struggle for the rest of their lives trying to feel good about themselves.  

People who receive lots of praise from their environment may learn to depend on these abilities and the praise that comes with them.  So they put high pressure on themselves to maintain their abilities and they put high pressure on others to continue to affirm their abilities.  They feel good about themselves most of the time, but that feeling requires constant maintenance and can be lost if the talent or success is lost.  They also tend to struggle with pride because they believe that they earned their self-worth.

People who either receive regular criticism or simply do not receive any praise from their environment may respond by making a commitment to themselves to either become talented or convince themselves and others that they do possess talent, intelligence, or other qualities that make them worthy of value.  Or they may resign themselves to believing that they are worthless to the point of self-hatred.

When we look to external sources to provide our self-worth, there are some sinful, selfish coping mechanisms that we use in order to keep our self-esteem intact:

Convince ourselves that we are……..
Try to become……. so that we can be valuable.
Avoid deep relationships so that our inadequacies are not revealed.
Pressure others to give us the praise that we deserve.
Become defensive when our inadequacies are exposed.
Require others to believe that we are ………..
Become angry at anyone who does not believe that we are…..
Become hurt by anyone who does not believe that we are…
Compare ourselves to other people and allow it to make us feel better or worse about ourselves.
Feel depressed, angry or worthless when we fail or do not live up to our expectations for ourselves.

The next post will cover what the Bible says about how we should view ourselves.

Recently I saw a picture on Facebook of some parents who took pictures of themselves (intentionally embarrassing) and posted them to their teen’s Facebook page.  Their daughter had been disrespectful to them, and they were posting the photos as a form of “punishment”.  The picture and the news story that followed circulated quickly around the internet and literally hundreds of thousands of other parents “liked” the article to show their support for these parents and this form of discipline.  My question for these parents is: how is that working for you?  Is your daughter more respectful now that you have publicly humiliated her in front of millions of people?  Does she desire to honor and obey her parents?  Does she desire to adopt her parents’ worldview, values and lifestyle?

Life is difficult.  Growing up is not easy.  Kids and teens today have it tough with so many pressures brought on by our high-stressed, fast-paced, beauty-glorifying,
media-driven, sex-saturated, peer-pressured and competition-centered culture.  There are incredible forces working against your kids self-worth and sense of value.  The life of a teenager can be especially difficult.  They face pressures at school to perform academically, athletically, not to mention social pressures.  Many teens wrestle with inferiority, fitting in with their peer group, getting used to being “at home” in their own body, picking friends, the pressures of looking attractive, having a boyfriend or girlfriend, the temptation to experiment with drugs or alcohol, the list goes on and on.  And if that were not enough, they are also trying to figure out their identity, their worldview, faith, values, priorities in life, and thinking about their future … Whew!

In the middle of this mess of pressures, parents have an opportunity to emerge as an ally and confidant in the life of the teenager.  The home can be a place of stability and sanctuary to the teen who is desperately seeking some anchor for his soul.  A relationship with a loving parent can provide that one ‘constant’ in the adolescent world of chaos.  But this will only happen of the teen feels that her parents are “for” her, that they want the best for her, that they are in her court and on her team.

The news story mentioned above brings up an incredibly important issue related to parenting and that is: the use of “shame” in discipline.  This example may be a bit extreme, but there are many other ways in which parents directly or indirectly use shame as a form of discipline.  Spanking or yelling at them in public, using phrases like “how could you be so stupid?”, handling a discipline issue in front of a kid’s friends, talking to other adults about your children’s bad behavior when they are standing right there, comparing a child with another, or withdrawing love … these are all ways that parents shame their kids.  

Kids need to know, even in the middle of discipline, that they are loved and that you are “for” them, that you are on “their side”.  But what does this look like?  In a discipline situation, the parent needs to make it clear that the conflict is between the child’s choices and the rule or principle that has been violated.  They are at odds with their own lack of self-control in the face of that temptation or difficult situation.  You want them to succeed in this battle with their own sin nature.  You want them to win in their fight with their own tendency toward rebellion.  You are not the enemy of the child, you are his greatest ally against our mutual enemy called sin.  

Instead of saying, “You are in deep trouble for hitting your brother!” we need to say, “We don’t hit in this family, we use our words or get help from an adult, to help you remember to not hit, you are going to have a time-out as a consequence.”  

Instead of saying, “I am so mad that you lied to me!” we need to say, “We want to be people who are honest, who tell the truth, I want to help you become an honest person, and so here will be your consequence for telling that lie.”

In place of, “Don’t you speak to me with that disrespectful tone!”  We should be able to say, “The tone you’re using is disrespectful and we don’t treat each other that way in our family.  I will speak to you in a respectful way and I expect you to do the same.”  — PLEASE NOTE that you can only say this if you really do, in fact, model respectful communication in your home.  If you have not done so well in that area, admit it and make it a family goal.  “I know we have not always spoken to each other in an honoring way, but we are all going to work on this together, so that we can have good communication and talk through our issues in a respectful way.”  

Instead of, “I don’t care about your excuse, you screwed up and were out past curfew, so no going out next weekend!”  We should say, “I hear you saying you lost track of time, I understand that happens.  To help you remember to keep better track of time in the future, you won’t be able to go out next weekend.”  The consequences are the natural outcome of the choices of the child, not some vindictive attack by you.

So, back to the parents that posted embarrassing photos on their teen’s Facebook page.  This is a classic example of a parent turning their training of their child into some kind of competition where “getting even” is the goal, rather than instilling your values into your children.  These parents put themselves at odds with their teen and most likely exasperated the conflict rather than worked toward a peaceful solution.  

May God give us the wisdom as parents to come alongside our children and become a trusted guide and mentor as we navigate together the sometimes dangerous waters of this life.

Anger is one way we sabotage our own discipline here are some others:

Procrastination– Repeating yourself but not following through until you are angry, only teaches the child that it is safe to ignore the first three or four commands.  Threatening but not following through, teaches the child that your word is meaningless.  Giving in to demands when he/she whines enough, conditions your child to continue to push because they know they will eventually wear you down.

Talking too much– Talking during discipline sabotages the correction because it is giving emotional attention for bad behavior. Only give attention to behaviors you want repeated.   Advising, lecturing, moralizing or teaching when either the adult or the child is seething with negative emotions will turn off the child’s ability to listen.  Discipline should be as brief and non-verbal as possible.  Verbal training should be done at positive times.  (Idea: redeeming drive time)

Negative Scripting– Children will believe they are who you say they are.  Don’t call them names, label them, predict a negative future or devalue them in any way.

Bribing– Bribing will teach your child to expect rewards for obedience rather than to obey because it is right.

Not believing that discipline will pay off– If you believe that your discipline will not pay off, then you will be half-hearted or inconsistent and it will become self-fulfilling.  If you are looking for your discipline to immediately change your child’s behavior, you will be disappointed and quit the necessary discipline.  There are no “quick fixes” when it comes to discipline, it is a long term investment.

How you see your role, affects how you parent:
If you see your child as a slave, possession, annoyance, disappointment or unwanted guest, you will: yell, belittle, ignore, boss.  If you see them as your equal or your friend, you will: beg, bribe, whine, give in to demands and be hooked into arguments.  If you see them as your disciple, an apprentice, a valuable person, but one who is simply inexperienced and in need of teaching, you will be: consistent, firm, respectful, positive, empathetic, encouraging, and hopeful.

What does your parenting style reveal about how you see your children?  What steps can you take to see your relationship to your child the way God sees it?

Why is it that when a substitute teacher visits a class, many times the students are on their worst behavior.  Because, for kids, it is very entertaining to cause someone to lose complete control of themselves, while they act like they have control over you … when they really don’t have any control at all.  How the substitute responds to discipline issues and challenges to her authority will make all the difference between gaining respect and getting the class under control, or losing respect and all sense of order. Students, and most people for that matter, don’t have respect for someone who can’t control their own emotions.

Passionate Legacy Principle #8: Deliver consequences and discipline in a godly, empathetic way.  The way you discipline is as important as the discipline itself.  Never discipline in anger.  Don’t allow yourself to be emotionally affected by your child’s poor behavior. Learn to manage yourself.  Don’t speak in anger, join in arguments, belittle, call names, yell, or slam doors.  Speak to them in the same respectful way you speak to others that you teach in other life  situations.  Speak to them in the way the Lord spoke to those that were his disciples.  Use the neutral stance.  If you allow yourself to become angry, you are allowing your child to control you and the situation.  Make the tension fall between the child and the consequence, not between yourself and the child.  The child doesn’t need to know the behavior bothers you, the consequences speak for themselves.  Rules are not in place because of the effect they have on you in the first place, they exist because they are right.  You will only be an effective parent if you learn to control yourself.

The goal of parenting is to instill a desire and ability to love God and obey Him.  In the early years of parenting, you can rely on your positional authority with your children to cause them to practice right behavior, but in the later years, you will transition to only having your relational influence to motivate them to choose to follow God, out of love for God and love for what is right.  So to have an influence on your children’s lives, you will have to place value on the relationship.  Relational influence is gained through having integrity and treating your children with respect.  One of the biggest mistakes made in parenting  is to use anger to motivate children to obedience.  Anger is NOT an effective method of influencing behavior because it is disrespectful to children, it causes the child to lose their respect for you, it is an example of a lack of self-control, it puts the tension in the wrong place, and it presents a wrong motivation.

Let’s examine each of these reasons closely.

First of all anger is disrespectful.  Disciplining children in full anger is like throwing an emotional dagger.  Using strong emotion to cause a child to change their behavior is manipulative because it is holding your love for your child hostage in exchange for control.  It is manipulating a child to feel guilty, afraid, small, weak, unlovable, and unworthy to secure desired results.  Consider the law of love in 1 Cor. 13 Love is patient, love is kind … it is not easily angered, also Eph. 6:4 Do not exasperate your children.  Col. 3:21 Do not embitter your children.  Matt. 20:25-28 “the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them. Not so with you” … you are to be a servant, be a slave.  Jesus taught that he “did not come to be served but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many.”  Anger is not a loving and respectful means of acquiring cooperation from a child and it is damaging to the parent-child relationship.

Secondly, it causes the child to lose respect for you.  You can sometimes control a person’s actions but you will never be able to control the way a person feels about you on the inside.  When someone treats us with disrespect we feel violated and angry and we lose respect for them. When we are intimidated into acting differently we see a person’s lack of love and integrity and we no longer respect their opinions or trust their intentions toward us.  If a person were to correct you in your workplace would you be more motivated to do well at your job if you were yelled at and intimidated or treated with respect and corrected in a constructive way?  Would you lose any respect for a supervisor who treated you with disrespect?  How would that affect your future performance?  It is the same with kids, they don’t respect someone who treats them disrespectfully and you will need their respect if you want to have any relational influence in their lives.  

Thirdly, anger is an example of a lack of self-control.  In Titus 2:1-15, Paul gives instructions about what to teach to older men, younger men, older women and younger women, and in each list he mentions to teach them to be “self-controlled”.  Self-control is the ability to exercise restraint or control over one’s feelings, emotions, and reactions.  Self-control is a foundational virtue.  Every other virtue is dependent on its presence.  Without it we cannot make ourselves obey God.  Children and adults alike need self-control.  Remember your goal of providing your child with the tools to obey God, self-control is the biggie.  If we want our children to develop the ability to control their feelings, emotions, and reactions, then we must learn to control our own.

Fourthly, anger puts the tension between you and your child, rather than between the child and his or her wrong actions, where it should be.  We need to allow consequences to do the teaching rather than anger.  The consequences should be allowed to be the “bad guy” so that you can be the good guy.  The consequences are useless when they are delivered with anger because then the child is more concerned with the way he or she is being treated than they are about their misbehavior.  If the tension is between the parent and child, then the child will just avoid getting caught rather than learning to do the right thing based on love for God and love for what is right.  A child can’t feel safe enough to think introspectively about their actions and the moral weight of their actions if they are not free to think their own thoughts without fear of severe emotional consequences, or they are too distracted by feeling angry toward the parent.  The anger and hurt of being yelled at distracts them from learning the lesson that they need to learn, and it makes it too easy for them to blame the parent for everything.  If they are going to be free to make good decisions, then they need to be free to make bad decisions and face the consequences without emotional interference.  In the end, facing good natural consequences will be far more effective in changing a child’s heart than anger.

Lastly, anger does not motivate obedience.  It motivates children to avoid getting caught because they don’t want to be yelled at, but it does not motivate them to love what is right.  It muddies the water of why we obey.  Rules are in place  because they are good, right, moral, logical and bring safety and order; not because parents will be inconvenienced, irritated or angry.  Remember that your goal is to instill in your child a desire to obey God, not just to get him to obey God.  When your child makes a bad decision, instead of yelling or even saying “I am so disappointed”, or “I am so tired of..”, or “you make me so upset when..”, just allow them to face a consequence and try to  empathize with their “situation” (their bad choice and resulting consequence).  If the misbehavior was away from home and there is a natural consequence, say “Man that really stinks, what are you going to do?” or “I’m sorry, that (consequence) doesn’t sound fun.”  However, if you are administering the consequence say “I’m sorry you have to face this consequence, I wish I could change it for you, but I can’t go against my conscience.”  Empathize with their sad feelings about the consequence.  Don’t bring up the fact that they earned it because that is obvious. And if you rub it in, you will sabotage the job that the consequence is doing in his or her heart.  The message is not that you’re so inconvenienced that you are going to be mean back, but that the child’s actions were morally wrong, and you have no choice but to allow the child to face the natural consequences of his actions.  This is a fact of life, there is nothing you can do about the natural order of things.  A wrong action always calls for a corresponding consequence.

Dating is a challenging issue that parents of teens eventually have to face. What age is appropriate for dating?  What does dating look like?  Does it mean to go out and enjoy time with someone or does it mean to commit exclusively to someone?  Is there a good purpose that dating fulfills in the life of a teen?  Are there any negatives to dating?  There are a lot of issues to consider.  Long before the dating years begin, a parent should take the time to educate their pre-teen in the purpose of marriage, the importance of purity, the necessity of personal convictions, the importance of choosing a mate carefully, and the work required in achieving a successful marriage relationship.

One resource available to get the ball rolling on these topics is the “Passport 2 Purity” weekend kit by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.  This set of CD’s and workbook covers the topics of puberty, the purpose of marriage, and the importance of purity.  I suggest taking your child away for a weekend to review this material for his or her 11th or 12th birthday.

Also I recommend this book list:

At age 12 have them read:
Redefining Beautiful by Jenna Lucado
So You’re About to be a Teenager by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

At age 13:
I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris

At age 14:
Eyes Wide Open by Brienne Murk
Authentic Beauty by Eric and Leslie Ludy
Guys are Waffles Girls are Spaghetti by Pam and bill Farrel
Connecting with God by Ron Luce
Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris
Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot

At age 16:
Not Even a Hint by Joshua Harris
When God Writes your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy

At age 18:
A Perfect Wedding by Eric and Leslie Ludy
Every Young Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn
Every Young Woman’s Battle by Shannon Ethridge

Another idea is to have them come up with a “dating plan.”  It must also include their physical standards and their plan to maintain them.  If it is a mature and moral plan, and the teen is willing to be accountable, then both teen and parent sign and then the teen will be allowed to go on dates.

1. At what age do I plan to get married?

2. Given that age, when would be an appropriate time to get into a serious relationship and at what age would it be appropriate to go out on an occasional date with a “friend”?

3. What are the possible negative consequences of getting into a serious relationship too soon?

4. What are God’s physical standards for my relationship at each stage?  (Indicate which items on the following list are permissible at these stages: casual dating, serious dating/courtship, engagement, marriage.) First Thessalonians 4:3 makes it clear that sex outside of marriage is off limits.  Matt. 5:8 says, “Blessed are the pure in heart.”  Mark the list below in a way that will keep you pure in your heart, your actions, and your thoughts toward your date.

Being together
Holding hands
Hugging
Good night kiss
Passionate kissing
Touching outside of clothes
Touching under clothes
Taking clothes off
Intercourse

5.  How and when will I communicate these standards with my date?

6.  What are safe places to date? (What boundaries do I need to set with my date to stay out of temptation?   Such as: No alone time, no night time, no lying down together, no bedrooms, etc. List ten safe dating options.)

7.  What will be the consequences if I break my standards?

What is the best age to allow a child or teen to own a cell phone?  What questions should be considered?  When making the decision to allow your child to have a cell phone of his own, it is important to thoroughly evaluate the pros and cons.  Some of the pros are that you can easily communicate with a child about transportation and their whereabouts and be assured of their safety.  One of the cons is that a cell phone provides complete privacy in conversations with friends.  The accountability of talking in the family home, where others might hear gossip or bad language is gone.  A child is free to have unlimited communication with teens that the parent has never met or even heard of, talk about anything he chooses without any supervision, and develop intimate relationships with the opposite sex without the knowledge of parents if he chooses.  Without any accountability and supervision, many teens are tempted to slip into more improper behaviors.  Another con is that once a child has a cell phone, other children have direct access to your child, but parents no longer have access to each other.  When parents and children share phone numbers, the parents have access to each other, but once they have individual phones the child’s number no longer links a parent to a parent.  So communication and accountability is lost, and it may require extreme effort to acquire a parent phone number of your child’s friend when it is necessary.  Yet another con is your child may receive inappropriate pictures without your knowledge.  Also, if there is internet access on the phone, there is the opportunity for unlimited internet usage without parental knowledge or accountability.  Many of these cons can be addressed by not allowing certain features on the phone, however not all of these cons can be completely avoided.  The most important questions are: Has your child received enough training to be on their own from here on out?  Do they have their own convictions and values firmly in place and have they earned enough trust to become autonomous in this area?  Is your child prepared for the difficult moral, ethical, legal, relational and safety related decisions he will face every day all on his own without any adult involvement?

Facebook and cell phones, combined with time spent with peers at school provides teens the ability to completely live in a “teens only” world where they are no longer supervised or influenced by adults.  As a parent, you must consider the consequences of allowing your child a life that is completely secluded before they are ready for all of the difficult and weighty decisions that they will be challenged to make on their own.

When you do decide that it is time for your kids to carry a cell phone, be sure to have a signed contract with them which outlines the proper use of the phone.  Here is an example:

I know that having a cell phone to use is a privilege. I respect that my parents love me and want to keep me safe. My parents respect that I am becoming a young adult and want the privilege of having the use of a cell phone. With that in mind, I agree:

The consequences for not following through with these limits on my cell phone use are: the use of my cell phone can be taken away from me. This can happen even if I have contributed to the cost of the cell phone plan.

I ________________________________ agree to honor this contract.

Facebook Rules:

1. You may only be “friends” with people who are pre-approved by us.  That means that you ask before you request a friend or respond to someone else’s request.
2. You must be “friends” with us.
3. If a friend posts something that is inappropriate, you must un-friend them.
4. We must know your password at all times.
5. You may only post information that is appropriate for the entire public.
6. You may not use any of the applications (games, quizzes, surveys, etc.) without our permission first.
7. If you do not follow any of these rules, you will not be able to be on Facebook (and possibly the internet) for a determined amount of time.

It is best to start out with strict supervision and let out the reigns as trust is earned.  As teens show that they are responsible and trustworthy they will need less and less supervision.  So some of these rules may become unnecessary for older teens.

Movies are rated based on what may be psychologically damaging but no thought has been given to what content may be morally damaging. The public media in general has no moral compass.  So rather that going by the ratings we evaluate movies based on the contents that they are rated for.

An example demonstration is to: allow a teenager to watch a movie rated PG 13 for these reasons.

Some Profanity
Some Violence
Some Language
Crude humor

Use caution in allowing a teen to watch a PG 13 movie rated for these reasons.

Intense Science Fiction Terror
Adult situations
Questionable for Children
Thematic elements

And not allow a teen to watch a PG13 movie rated for these reasons.

Intense Sequences of Violence
Sexual Situations
Substance Abuse
Not for Children
Brief Nudity
Sensuality