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All anger has somewhere in its root a blocked goal or an unmet expectation. I want my commute to be smooth and nobody to cut me off in traffic … my expectation is NOT met, now I am angry. I want my children to not whine or argue with me … my expectation is NOT met, now I am upset. Not only am I not in control of my child, I am not in control of myself. If I allow this anger to affect how I discipline my child, it will most likely be counterproductive to the teaching process. Remember anger in a parent only serves to lose the respect of the child. So, how do we take the anger out of discipline? Over the next several weeks, I would like to share 4 steps for taking the anger out of discipline:

1. Expect the misbehavior

2. Be prepared with the proper discipline

3. Put the tension where it belongs

4. See the discipline as teaching

If anger is a result of unmet expectations, then perhaps we would do well to take a good look at our expectations. (This principle can be applied to marriage, work, friendship … any area of life, really.) If my goal and expectation is for my 5 year old to always share his toys and never hit, I will be sorely disappointed. If expect him to need discipline, and I am prepared and ready to administer the discipline, and my goal is for him to learn to obey only after a long process of teaching, then this is a reasonable goal.

Next week: Being prepared for discipline and putting the tension where it belongs.

… and it is us. The greatest barrier to teaching our kids self control is … yup, you and me. Over dinner we say, “You will never believe what my stupid supervisor did today …” Behind the wheel we say, “Hey idiot, get out of my way!” Then later, “That cop was such a jerk to give me that ticket!” What about when you don’t want the phone call, “Tell him I’m not home.” Our kids have just picked up our practices concerning four very important areas of life: submission to authority, patience with others, obeying the law and honesty. Our attitude toward our boss, will become their attitude toward us! Our level of patience, will become their ability to be patient with those around them. If we don’t obey the laws of the land, why would we expect them to obey the rules of the house? And if we allow dishonesty to come from our lips, why are we surprised when they lie to us?

Now here’s the real kicker … we lose our temper with our kids. We allow anger to get the best of us and we yell and engage in battle with one of our children. The problem here is, we have just taught the child how to lose their temper when faced with a difficult situation. On top of that, anger shows the child that the parent is not in control of the situation and not in control of himself, thus the child loses respect for the parent. Do you respect people in authority over you who cannot control their own emotions and anger?

Next time … how do we take the anger out of discipline?

Think about it … the skill of self-control is foundational for all other moral behavior. Your toddler has been told countless times not to take the toy from the other child, but still does it. When it is taken back by force, she knows not to hit, but she does anyway. She has been taught to stay in her bed during nap time, but getting up to play is so much more fun. She has been instructed not to push food off her plate when she is full, but it is a battle at every meal. Self-control is the root from which all other moral behaviors grow.

When my daughter, Beckie, was two, Sandra was pregnant, so we decided to move her out of the crib into the toddler bed so the crib would be available when little sister (Megan) was born. Beckie didn’t want to stay in her bed. So she got up. Over and over and over and over again. And each time she received a spanking. Over and over and over again. I hated that. I prayed that she would stay in bed. I cried as I spanked her. But we held our ground. And eventually it paid off. She learned not to get out of her bed at night. And she never did again. But this was about much more than just staying in bed, it was about self-control verses self-gratification. We all have a “self-control” muscle that, like our other muscles, when exercised becomes stronger.

When we stand our ground and insist that our kids obey us when they are young, we strengthen their self-control muscle. What an amazing gift we can give to our children as we prepare them for adolescence! Think how important that will be later on when the temptations they face are much more dangerous than getting out of bed!

Next time: we look at one of the greatest barriers in teaching our children self-control.

I have seen it too many times … children who disregard their parents authority. They do not obey the first time, they show disregard for their parents authority and in worst cases, they are out of control. What happened? How did it get this way? In many cases, I believe that the parents have given their authority away to the kids. This leads us to Passionate Legacy Principle #2:

Accept your right and responsibility to train your children. The parents have been given the responsibility to train, care and provide for a household. With that comes the authority to determine and enforce the principles that will be lived out in the home. Be confident in your authority. Parents should not feel guilty for directing or disciplining their children. If your child doesn’t like you once in a while, that’s okay! Don’t make being a buddy such a high priority that you can’t be an effective leader. Deep down, children desire consistent boundaries, they provide security. If children are taught a moral code they have it to come back to if they ever stray, but if the moral code was never taught and enforced, then they have no moral code to return to.

This is the second brick in the foundation of Passionate Legacy, and it is essential if we are to leave a legacy of passion for Christ. Also, remember the first principle: Be a desirable example of godliness so that your children will choose it for themselves. These foundational principles relate to our identity and from this flows our actions in raising strong kids.

When we first started to follow Christ, we were so passionate about God and just worshipping Him and telling others about Jesus, it was as if that’s all there was. And then after a few years we get bogged down with the things and details of “church stuff” that we begin get our priorities mixed up. Our faith used to be an adventure, but now it is more like a weekend country club.

For many of us as Christian parents, we inadvertently give the impression that Christianity is about what we do and don’t do. We say it’s about a relationship with God, but we live a life that exhibits the fact that our Christianity is bound up in two things: rules and busyness. We don’t do certain unbecoming things (at least not openly) and we busy ourselves in the multitude of programs, Bible studies, seminars, so-called “ministry opportunities”, and church events that keep us safely ensconced behind the fortress walls of our church buildings or within our tight circle of Christian friends. We surround ourselves with all the accoutrements of middleclass suburban evangelicalism and we don’t realize that we have traded our passion for glory, we have left the adventure for the country club.

Our children see the protected shell that we call Christianity and it’s no wonder they want out. God has placed within us a longing for adventure. Our kids have that longing and the irony of the situation is: if we were truly living out our faith as the passionate adventure that it was intended to be, they would actually be drawn to it, rather than repelled by it.

Is your faith a passionate adventure or a safe hideaway?

What makes a leader worth following?

What makes a person influential to those around them?

Think of a person who you really want to be like. What about that person caused you to want to be like him or her?

Now ask yourself … do my kids want to be like me? Do they want to follow me? When they are young we can make them follow us … but before long they will make the decision on their own.

I am not talking about being a “buddy” or a “friend” to your child, this is LEADERSHIP here. Effective leaders are people who draw others to themselves through their character, integrity, proficiency and concern for those that follow them. They gain influence by earning trust and respect.

As Christian parents it is our calling to lead our children to choose a godly lifestyle through our godly lifestyle. To do whatever it takes to be the type of Christian leaders of our homes that are worth following.

Some parents see their job as convincing their kids that Christianity is true or trying to push them into adopting a biblical world view. The problem here is that no one is ever “convinced” or “pushed” into a world view. People adopt a world view based on a combination of their observations, experiences and beliefs that they have chosen. For parents to think that they will choose their children’s world view is a fallacy that is extremely detrimental in how they parent their children.

Peter tells Christian wives who are married to unbelieving men … “if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives” (1 Peter 3:1). This idea of winning them over without words, but through the way we live our lives is very instructive for the parent.

Many Christian parents want their kids to share their beliefs, but the lives of the parents often communicate to the kids that “Christianity doesn’t work!” It has to start with us. It has to start with our lives. It has to start with winning them over “without words”.