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For the last couple of posts we have been focusing on older children and the transition from “rules” alone to “principles” to live by. This week we turn our attention back to younger kids and pick up with Passionate Legacy Principle #5: Expect First Time Obedience.

I have seen it too many times. A parent calling for a child to come to them, or giving a command over and over and over again, only to be ignored by little Suzie. This usually ends in frustration and a lost temper OR a passive ignoring of the disobedience. The first sends the message that the parent is not in control of himself, the child, or the situation and the second sends the message that your word is meaningless. Both result in loss of respect from the child and continued disobedience. To prevent this, a parent must teach and consistently expect first time obedience.

Always ensure that your word is obeyed. Expect first time obedience without argument, bad attitude or having to give several “reminders” (aka nagging). Do not accept partial obedience. Don’t limit your children with your own low expectations, they will live up to the standard you set, whether low or high. Make your word valuable by enforcing the rules, if you don’t, your word means nothing and your rules are meaningless. Your follow-through will make your words either garbage or gold. Never give a command you don’t intend to enforce. This concept of first time obedience is more difficult for parents than for children, but if we can train ourselves to be consistent with our follow-through, our children can learn to obey the first time.

If a child does not obey when they are told to do something, it will be necessary to use the proper discipline. Please see the post: Be Prepared with the Proper Discipline for a step by step explanation of proper discipline procedure for a small child. Please see the post: See Discipline as Teaching, for some ideas for older children. The tips listed below will help in almost any situation or age.

Don’t allow ‘misunderstanding’ to be an excuse for disobedience. In these cases, use consequences as the tool for teaching (e.g. bike in driveway = lose bike the rest of the day to “help you remember next time”). In cases like this remember, “you’re not in trouble and I’m not mad. I want you to have your bike, I am on your side. Losing your bike for a day is just to help you remember to put it away next time.”

Here are the first four tips for developing the habit of First Time Obedience:

1. Use a positive tone of voice. A positive tone of voice lets children know you respect them. Even describing information (“it’s time for bed”), if delivered in a harsh tone of voice, can invite a power struggle.

2. Give lead time, if possible. Give some advance notice that you are going to want something to happen soon. For example, “In five minutes it will be time to start picking up the blocks,” or “In ten minutes we need to be ready to leave for Grandma’s.” Giving lead time is a way of showing respect for the child’s activities and is much more likely to result in cooperation when you say, “It’s time to go.” (And remember, when you say it’s time to go, that means you too! Don’t stand in the doorway and talk for another half hour after you made the kids put all the toys away and put coats and shoes on.)

3. If at all possible, give a choice. By saying to the child, “You can choose to do either this or that,” you empower the child and give him or her a sense of control. However, the choices you offer must be legitimate choices that you can live with. Examples: “You can either go to bed right now or hear a story and then go to bed.” “Would you like to play for 10 more minutes before we go or go right now?” “You can play without pushing or you can sit out for part of the game.” Never give a choice where there is no choice, and do not ask children if they want to do it. For example “Do you want to go to bed now?” or “Let’s go to bed, okay?” By asking children if they want to, or if it’s “okay,” you have given them the choice of not going to bed. It is not fair to expect a child to mind when you have not given a clear command. An important point: If children refuse to act on either choice, you must make the choice for them. If the child refuses to move, you can step in to use the proper discipline.

4. If you cannot give a choice, sometimes you can describe the facts of the situation. For example: “It’s time to go home.” or “The table is not for sitting on.” Another example: a two year old boy was grabbing all the cards from his three year old brother while their mother unsuccessfully tried to persuade the two year old to share. Finally the grandmother simply said, “Those cards belong to your brother.” Immediately the younger child dropped his brother’s cards and went off to do something else.

Next week we will continue with more tips for achieving first time obedience.

Last time, we talked about how, as our kids get close to the teen years, we need to be teaching them “biblical principles to live by,” in addition to the “rules” they are to obey. This week, we will explore how we can help our pre-teens and teens get one of the things that they most desperately want. What is it they want so badly? Ah, yes … FREEDOM. Think about it for a minute. If you have a teen at home or if you can remember back to your teen years, you know that freedom is an extremely important commodity during this time of life. It is also a commodity that is often mishandled by parents. It is either given too much, or withheld altogether, or it is never clear to the parent or child the proper role that it plays in life.

Our goal is to give our kids ever increased freedom as they become more prepared to leave the nest. Many parents give too much freedom in the elementary years, and when try to tighten things up in the teen years, they find that this leads to a lot of conflict in the home. So they withhold even more freedom during those teen years, and then, when the kids go off to college, they suddenly have all kinds of freedom, but no wisdom in how to use it. And many parents have seen the disastrous results of this!

So how do we teach our kids to handle freedom properly? By teaching them that freedom only comes through trust, and that trust only comes through responsible actions and attitudes, and living by the four principles that we discussed in the last post. Jesus taught a parable about several servants who were given money to utilize while their master was on a journey (read Matthew 25:14-30). He comments to the wise servants, “you have been faithful with a few things, I will give you many things.” And to the one who acts foolishly with what he had been given, the master takes it away. The same principle of “faithful in the small things” should be applied to giving our kids freedom … and THEY SHOULD KNOW IT! It should be no secret to your 12 year old that everything they do (and the attitude with which they do it) in the coming years will either lead to increased or decreased freedoms.

At present, my kids are earning back the freedom to make Kool-Aid. A month ago, they got really into making Kool-Aid on their own. We found powder on the counters and colored drips and splashes on the floor, fridge door, fridge interior, kitchen cupboards, etc. So, they lost that freedom. I was very clear with them that as they learn to clean up after themselves, they will earn back the privilege of making Kool-Aid. I WANT them to have this privilege and freedom. I am on their side and on their team and I want them to succeed at this goal of getting this back! It is important that they know this. (By the way, we don’t make Kool-Aid for them, the colorful packages of powder lay dormant in the drawer, waiting for the day they will be used.)

Some things are rights, some things are privileges. Rights are given no matter what (for example, food, clothing, shelter and the right to your own opinion), but privileges can be gained or lost. Privileges are gained in accordance with the amount of trust that is earned through cooperation, respect and acting with integrity and responsibility. Privileges are lost when trust is lost through disrespect, lack of responsibility, dishonesty or manipulation.

Living by the principles that we talked about it the last post: Respect, Truth, Responsibility and Purity, leads to trust which leads to increased privileges and freedom. Teaching this concept also prepares the for the real world where (usually) when we are faithful in the small things, we are entrusted with greater things.

Yesterday, Sandra and I attended a 6^th grade graduation ceremony for our daughter and foster daughter, and next Tuesday will be their last day as elementary school students. They are now being launched into the wonderful world of Junior High. Jean Piaget became famous in the realm of child psychology for his theories of developmental stages in children. He would say that right now, they are going through a transition from the “concrete-operational” stage to “formal-operational” stage. They will begin thinking more and more in abstract concepts and less in concrete terms, they will begin showing more logical reasoning skills, and drawing their own conclusions from information they receive. Whether you agree with him or not, any parent will tell you that the transition from pre-teen to teen and from elementary school to Junior High is a time of incredible and profound change!

This is a point where we begin to teach them more “principles to live” by instead of just “rules” alone. So, Sandra is putting together a series of devotionals to teach to the kids, which cover the following principles.

1. The principle of Respect. Respect for each other (the way we speak and act toward one another), respect for each other’s time, respect for each other’s property and privacy, respect for authority (use the “appeals process” if there is a question about what is being asked … look for a description of the “appeals process” in an upcoming post).

2. The principle of Truth. Being completely honest in words and having integrity in actions, being honest in who we are: not changing the way we act and talk based on who we are with.

3. The principle of Responsibility. We all take responsibility for ourselves, our part in the household. Taking care of your room, helping with dishes and other things as requested. Keeping our own things in our own rooms, cleaning up after ourselves, if you take something out – put it away. This also includes acting responsibly in all choices and actions (no excuses), being on time, communicating where we are going to be, being where we say we are going to be.

4. Principle of Purity. Some people ask, “how much can I get away with and still be a Christian?” we want to ask, “How much can I honor God and love Him?” The principle of purity should be applied to the way we relate to the opposite sex, the way we dress, the way we talk, the things we look, the things we read, the things we watch and the things we listen to.

We keep this list of principles to live by posted in our house, along with how living by these principles will help them gain trust which leads to freedom. Tune in next week for a tip on giving your teens and pre-teens the tools to earn your trust and experience the freedom that they so desperately want.

Have you ever played a game with someone who kept changing the rules? Have you ever worked for a boss who was unclear about what was expected of you? Or what was acceptable at one time was now all of a sudden unacceptable? This can be frustrating at best and exasperating at worst. And yet, many times we as parents exasperate our own children and sabotage our discipline through lack of clarity in rules and inconsistency in enforcement.

Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

This leads us to Passionate Legacy Principle #4: Make the rules of the house clear and consistent. Have only a few rules that are clear to everyone and enforce them without fail. They should be written, posted, and reviewed often. Choose your “hills to die on” and stick with them. Don’t make rules just for your convenience, every rule should have a strong basis for its existence, whether safety, morality, or respect for others.

Are you exasperating your children by allowing them to break rules sometimes, but not other times? Which of your rules do you tend to enforce inconsistently? Are they sometimes punished for running in the house, but other times you are just too tired to try to enforce that rule?

Is your list of rules so long that no one would be able to remember them all? What are the rules of your house? Do you and your spouse agree on them? Do you agree on punishments for breaking each one?

We have a list of rules that we keep posted on our fridge as a reminder to all of us. Here is what it looks like:

The _________________ Family Rules

1. Love God and Love others

2. Obey the first time

3. Do not hurt (use your words or get a grown up)

4. To not take

5. Do not lie

6. Do not argue with Mom or Dad

7. Do not whine

8. Do not yell at others

9. Do not say hurtful words

10. If you get something out, put it away when you are done

As kids get older, they need to be reminded of the principles behind the rules (that you have been teaching them verbally all along). Here is a sample list of rules for older kids and teens that is more principle-based.

The __________________ Family Rules

1. Love God and love others

2. Be cooperative in attitude and actions (obey without argument)

3. Be honest

4. Be respectful

5. Be responsible (at home and at school)

6. Clean up after yourself

We have a more complete list of rules for young kids and principles for teens that includes Scripture verses and explanations to be covered with your children available by clicking THIS LINK.

I encourage you to download this document, adapt it to your family, put your family name on the top and print it and post it in your home. Review it regularly with your kids and just see what happens!

Question:

I am needing some guidance on how to handle my son in not doing his school work. I have taken his DS, Gameboy, and PS2 all away from him. Plus, he is also not able to test for a new belt in martial arts until he starts improving and owning his school work and responsibilities. I just do not know what else I can do. Can you please give me some other things that I may try on him?

Answer:

There are several steps that need to be followed. It will not be easy or quick, but if you put in the time, effort and consistency, it will pay off in the long run.

1. Find out if he is able to do the work. The only way to find this out is to actually sit with him and help him with his homework. Is he capable of this level of work? Are the assignments clear? Can he read the instructions? Is he able to stay focused? I have helped my kids with their homework before and found that something was not clear from the teacher. I worked closely with the teacher through phone and email until we got it worked out.

Once you have insured that he can do it, you do not need to sit and watch over him. Get up, tell him to call you if he has a question, then go about your business. You don’t want him to pretend he doesn’t understand to get the attention of you sitting there walking him through it.

2. Is there an environment and routine conducive to study? Are there distractions that need to be eliminated (TV, music, etc.)? Does he have a set time to work on homework? Our kids come home from school, sit at the table and eat a snack for 10 minutes to unwind from the day, then it is homework time for everyone. We do not deviate from this schedule. It is structured, predictable and stable. If you are not home during the after school hours, then this will have to be adjusted (immediately after dinner may work best). He needs a regular time, every day, with you available to ask questions when he needs it, and to help him stay focused. I do not know any elementary or junior high school-age boy who can sit and stay focused on homework without supervision!

3. Once the above are done, then you can set up incentives for good work and consequences for poor work. Work closely with his teacher through email or phone to get a weekly report on any missing work. A note from the teacher doesn’t always make it home, so if Friday comes, and you don’t get the “missing-work-report” you have no idea if he completed his assignments. If you get an email on Friday that everything was turned in, perhaps you take him to ice cream. If you find that he has missing assignments, then he has to work on those assignments and some privilege is taken away or there is restriction to his room for an appropriate amount time. These consequences should be clear and consistently enforced. If you say, “no PS2 for a week” then follow through. I would recommend the consequence last until work is caught up. Consequences must also be delivered with no anger or lecturing. You don’t need to remind him, “you could be out playing with your friends right now if you had done your school work” or “you could be having TV time if you finished all your assignments.” The consequences speak for themselves. He knows these things already and this type of lecturing makes him irritated with you instead of himself and sabotages the discipline.

4. Watch your own attitude. You are on his side. You want him to succeed. This is not a battle of you against him, it is you coming alongside him, being his coach and encourager to help him accomplish a good goal. Badgering, lecturing, shaming, and cajoling are not going to motivate him, and will not serve to build a positive relationship. Taking the time get to the bottom of the problem (step 1), giving him the environment to succeed (step 2), and being his cheerleader and accountability (step 3), all done with an attitude of love and understanding will show him that you are his greatest ally in this adventure called life and responsibility.

5. Finally, be an example. Do you value a “job well done”? What is your work ethic? Do you come home complaining about your responsibilities at work or your boss or obstacles you face? Those are all part of life and how you handle them will be an example to your kids of how they should handle similar challenges.

Once again, it will not be easy, but if you can do these steps with consistency, change will happen.

Have you ever been faced with a rule that you didn’t want to obey? Or a situation with someone in authority that frustrated you? Have you ever had a boss, teacher or authority figure for whom you had no respect or trust? What made it difficult to obey the rule or follow the direction of that person in authority? While in seminary, I worked at the UPS warehouse (Hub) in Portland, OR. I had some good supervisors there, but there was one that I remember who would scream and yell and belittle his workers. I noticed that it didn’t really work to improve the efficiency of the operation and only caused resentment and lack of enthusiasm for the job among his employees. In the same way, we as parents often sabotage our own discipline! To prevent this we need to aim for the heart in teaching our children. Here are some examples:

Sabotage: Having rules that are unclear or seem to have no basis.

Aim for the Heart: Teaching them the moral principle behind the rule, make the rules clear and enforce them consistently.

Sabotage: Sending a mixed message with our actions. For example: If I tell my kids to obey the rules, but I routinely break the speed limit. Or if I tell my kids to respect their teacher, but I bad mouth the cop who just gave me a ticket. These send a real mixed message between what I say and what I do.

Aim for the Heart: Set an example for your kids of adherence to the rules.

Sabotage: We lose their respect when we lose our temper and fail to be in control of our anger. We lose their trust when we make rules or give commands or discipline out of selfishness. For example: we say, “You are driving me crazy with your constant whining!” Wait a second. Should your child not whine because it bothers you? This statement makes your comfort and happiness the reason for the request to not whine.

Aim for the Heart: We gain our child’s respect by being in control of our own emotions. We gain their trust when they know we have their best interest in mind. Trust times respect equals influence (remember that formula). We teach our kids not to whine because it is a self-indulgent and ineffective form of asking for a need or want to be met. We need to teach them to ask politely for that need or want to be met, and then how to take “no” for an answer.

When a 1 year old reaches for an electrical outlet, a slap on the hand and a stern “no” is how we teach her that this outlet is off limits. With consistency she develops an association between what is off limits and the pain of discipline. This is fine for very young ages, but as the child gets older, we hope for something better.

Aim at the heart. The goal of parenting is to instill a desire and ability to love God and obey him. Our primary job is to motivate our children to obey God out of a love for Him and a love for what is right. Our secondary job is to equip them with the tools to be able to accomplish this with success (like helping them build a strong “self control” muscle, see this post). We must be careful not to train children only in the avoidance of punishment, that’s not reaching the heart; we want them to be motivated by convictions that are based on biblical principles. Note the connection between parental teaching, the heart, and the rest of life as described in Proverbs 4:20-23 …

My son, pay attention to what I say;
listen closely to my words.
Do not let them out of your sight,
keep them within your heart;
for they are life to those who find them
and health to a man’s whole body.
Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
(NIV, emphasis added)

There are several things we do as parents that sabotage our training of the heart. For example, when we tell our children to do something, “because I said so” or “because I’m the dad.” Or when we threaten punishment if they do the wrong thing instead of giving them the moral principle behind the rule or command. Throwing garbage out the window of a car is against the law and can result in a fine … if you get caught. But if I teach my kids that littering is disrespectful to the environment that God has given us, it is disrespectful to the people who have to look at it, it is not honoring the people who will have to clean up after me, and it says, “I am more important than them, they can pick it up,” they will begin to see the moral principle behind the rule. There really are moral implications to littering and they tie back to those foundational rules of life: love God and love others. Now that I understand this, it’s no longer a matter of getting caught, respecting others and God’s creation is part of my inventory of values.

Next week: More tips on Aiming for the Heart

Can you imagine a teacher yelling as he teaches the times tables to his fourth grade class? Or getting red-faced and frustrated as he diagrams a sentence on the board? That’s absurd! And the students, although not particularly excited about multiplication and nouns and adjectives know that these things are really just part of school and school is part of life. A good teacher tries to keep a good attitude as she hands out assignments. The effective instructor sees himself as an ally to his student, using creativity and effort to do all he can to reach his apprentice with the knowledge he seeks to impart.

When we begin to see discipline this way, then it changes the tone and climate of our parental discipline. I call my two year old over to lay down on the changing pad. He refuses. I call him over again and explain, “if you don’t come now, you will get a time out.” This is not an empty threat, it is the promise of a teaching tool. He still doesn’t come. I get up and move toward him … he comes running to lay down on the changing pad, but it’s too late. This is not first-time-obedience (we will talk more about that later) so the time out is administered. Please see the post from March 28 (Be Prepared with the Proper Discipline) for step by step instructions on giving a 2-year-old a time out. But this discipline is a normal part of the teaching process, it does not have to be a source of anger and frustration if you can see it from this perspective.

“But, I forgot.”

A very popular method of attempting to get out of a consequence is saying, “I forgot.” Let’s say you have a rule that homework left at school results in no TV that night. Or you that if you leave your cereal bowl on the table, you are charged a cleaning-fee of 50 cents out of your allowance. In each of these cases when the consequences are applied, the child says, “But that’s nor fair, I forgot.” You simply explain, “then hopefully this consequence will help you to remember next time. I know you forgot, I am not mad and you’re not in trouble, this is just to help you learn.”

This concept of “I’m not mad and you’re not in trouble, these are just the consequences to help you learn,” can alleviate a mountain of unnecessary screaming, yelling and arguing. By the way, once this has been explained, if the arguing continues, there is a consequence for the arguing separate from the original discipline.

Next week: Aim for the Heart … the true goal of discipline.

Do you ever feel like you are in a battle with your kids? From toddler to teenager there are many times when you may feel like your house is an all out war zone. If we can consistently apply today’s principle, we can change this trend!

The principle sounds simple: “Put the tension where it belongs,” but it is extremely powerful. Here is a recent example from our house.

A coat is left in the living room that belongs hung up in the entryway. Our kids get $2 per week for allowance and if they leave a coat out, they are charged 25 cents. We see the coat, we mark on the dry erase board on the fridge (if you don’t have one, get one) the child’s name and “-25 cents” and we put a post-it note on the coat laying on the floor that also says “-25 cents” and we don’t say a word. When the note is discovered, she tries to ask for an exception. I simply say, “The rule is: when a coat is left out, it is minus 25 cents.” I don’t lecture or scold or make any other comment. There is no arguing, no fighting, no bickering. The consequences speak for themselves. I am on her side, I don’t want her to loose any allowance, the tension is not between me and her, it is between her and the temptation to drop the coat where it doesn’t belong. I want her to win. I am using a logical consequence as a teaching tool.

Another example:

Let’s say the rule for your teen is to leave a note if he goes somewhere after school. He forgets. Let’s say the consequence for forgetting is not going out for the next two days. He comes home and you say very simply, with no emotion, no anger, no tension, “You didn’t leave a note as to where you were going, so, no going out for the next two days.” The battle is on, but it is NOT between you and him. You can honestly say, “I want you to be able to go to your friends house every day, but you didn’t leave a note, so you can’t go for the next two days.” Once you have explained this, there is no need to engage in an argument … and don’t let him draw you into an argument. “It’s not fair! You don’t understand! You can’t do that! I can’t miss the party! You hate me!” or worse. Don’t be drawn into the battle. You can say with calmness and sincerity, “I really think after these two days, you won’t forget to leave a note. That’s what I’m hoping for.” After that, you can be completely silent and walk away. He may follow you around the house hounding you. Don’t lecture, don’t yell, don’t get upset. Your self control will be frustrating to him at first, but it is an example to him in the long run. Don’t be afraid to simply be silent and not respond. Leave the tension where it belongs: between him and the tendency to forget something important.

Next week: See the Discipline as Teaching.

I was sent the following question in response to last week’s post:

“So what is ‘proper discipline’ when my 3 year old screams ‘no’ in my face or won’t listen to my request to pick up his toys? Is raising my voice to gain his attention appropriate? What are the alternatives? Thank you.”

I will describe a process that, if applied consistently, will greatly reduce this behavior. I believe it will have good results in the short term, and in the long term, the results will be profound. But it will take time, patience and consistency! You cannot be in a hurry each time this process takes place.

Last week I mentioned 4 steps for taking the anger out of discipline:

We are now on Step 2 , be prepared with the proper discipline. When (not if, but when) my 3 year old screams “no” into my face when I tell him “it is time to clean up toys …”

In a very calm, controlled, yet firm voice I say, “You will not tell daddy ‘no’. You will say ‘yes, daddy’ and you will obey.” Then I show him exactly how to say it, “Yes, daddy” and I expect him to repeat it.

He screams back “NO!”

I calmly say, “then you will have a time out.” I pick him up, take him to a corner and set a timer for 3 minutes (1 minute for each year old of the child). If I have to hold him in the corner for the entire three minutes I will. But I will not say a word for this three minutes, I let the consequences do the teaching at this point.

Then I say in a very calm and positive tone, “It’s time to pick up toys.” And again I model the appropriate response out loud, “Yes, daddy” and I expect him to repeat it and obey. He has a choice at this point: obey or not.

He screams back “NO!” I do the same thing again. I say, “You will not tell daddy ‘no’. You will say ‘yes, daddy’ and you will obey.” Three minutes on the clock. If I have to hold him in the corner I do. But there is no talking, no yelling, no anger, no arguing, I am completely silent.

Each time this interaction takes place the child has a choice. He can say “yes, daddy” and pick up the toys, or he can get another time out. If you use spanking, this could be added to the process (we will talk more on this later). You continue this process until he obeys.

Important points:

You must be in control of your own emotions. You are modeling that for him every step of the way. Don’t get angry, let the discipline speak for itself.

This process MUST be repeated until the goal is achieved. If it takes an hour, it takes an hour. If it takes two hours, so be it. The child must learn that you are in control.

You are teaching self control. It is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child.You are on his side. He is wrestling with his own disobedience and you are his greatest ally in this battle against wrong choices. You are not mad at him, you are on his team helping him conquer his tendency to disobey.

Each time you model for him the appropriate response, “yes, daddy.” This is important.

When the episode is over, it is over. All is forgiven and you can ‘love on him’! Don’t bring it up again. Don’t say, “Why couldn’t you have done it the first time” (more on this later).

Next week: Step 3: Put the tension where it belongs.