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Many people talk or write about “Phases of Childhood,” or “Stages of Development” for children, and these are important to understand. They deal with observing and understanding the changes that take place in the growth process of a child. But it is arguably more important to understand the “Phases of Parenting” since these deal with applying changes in our goals and practical strategies for dealing with our children in a way that best fits their age. These deal with application rather than just observation.

Friendship is not the starting point of parenting, it is the eventual result. Before a healthy friendship is possible, parents must work through three relational building periods with their children. The success of each phase is largely dependent on the success of the preceding phase.

Phase one: Discipline, 0-5 yrs. In this period, you are establishing your right to lead and building the foundation for obedience. Your leadership is not oppressive, but it is authoritative. You must be fully confident in your right and responsibility to lead and give direction. You are in charge. If you cannot control your child, your cannot train him to his full potential. Tight boundaries are to be maintained and first time obedience is to be expected. Children will test those boundaries, but if they find the boundaries of the home secure, it will add to their own sense of security and respect for your leadership. Some of those boundaries will be expanded based on the child’s demonstration of responsible behavior. But you will only be able to hand off the authority that you gained in the younger years. If you have not gained authority in the younger years, your child already has that authority in their middle and teen years and will not be willing to allow you to make any decisions for their safety, protection and moral well being.

Phase two: Training, 6-12 yrs. A trainer works with an athlete through teaching, exercises, drills, and post-play evaluations. During practice, he stops the player at various times to make corrections, give explanations, and show the proper way and reasons for certain techniques, moves and plays. When it comes to rules, you are teaching the moral reasons behind the rules and the biblical principles by which we live. They also need to know that you are subject to rules as well, because they are based on eternal truths and absolutes. They should begin to realize that your authority, which was established in phase one, is based on and subject to the higher principles of God’s orderly universe and what He has instructed us in Scripture. In this phase, kids begin to make many of the day to day decisions, choosing from options offered by the parents. Freedoms in those decisions (e.g. friends, leisure activities, restaurant menu choices, clothes) are given at a pace commensurate with responsibility (obedience, chores, homework).

Phase Three: Coaching,13-19 yrs. This is a phase when many parents try to assert more authority and stricter boundaries, often in response to the natural pushing for freedom that teens exhibit. But your role at this stage is to begin to transfer responsibility to your teens so that by the time they are adults, they are fully responsible for their own lives. In non-moral areas, teens should be allowed to exercise more freedom. In other, more significant areas, teens should be given more freedom based on their level of responsibility. This “freedom based on responsibility” should be clearly explained. Teens should be made aware of the very important principle that increased freedom, comes from earned trust, which comes from making good choices. There are things that are privileges (sleepovers, use of a car, time with friends, personal electronics, fun activities … these are not inalienable rights) that can be earned by being cooperative and responsible (getting up on time, keeping good grades, honoring curfew). These are also years when many parents feel that their teen would rather not spend time with them, so at first, they accommodate and spend less time with their kids. But this lack of nurture for the relationship leads to distance and even a sense of abandonment. The teen then responds to the distance and sense of abandonment by acting independently, at which point the parent all of a sudden grasps for that parent-child relationship often in unfruitful ways (e.g. trying to assert more authority). The nurturing of the relationship should be a priority throughout this phase and a parent should carefully guard against this tendency toward emotional or relational abandonment.

Phase four: Friendship, age 19 and up. Friendship is the relational goal of our parenting. We are adult friends with wisdom and more experiences and they can ask for advice, but we are not their authority. We can offer advice, but they are not obligated to take it. Some parents continue to try to exert an inappropriate amount of influence through subtle and manipulative ways. This is self-serving and sabotages the transition of the adult son or daughter into a responsible, productive and secure adult.

In the transition from each phase to the next, we much carefully consider our goals as parents and thoughtfully and prayerfully adapt our strategy and actions to effectively fulfill the appropriate role (disciplinarian, trainer, coach and friend).

Q: My husband and I have a question about our son’s behavior lately. He is three years old and it seems as though he is having trouble listening, following directions, and first time obedience. He seems more whiney and tends to get frustrated more quickly than usual. It’s only been the last couple weeks. We want to know if this behavior is related to the fact that we are expecting our new baby in about 4 weeks. My husband’s parents and sister were out for a visit last week and she has a baby. Our son did very well with her. He wanted to help and was good about sharing his toys and very sweet to her. We just wanted to get your opinion about this. Thanks!

A: There is really no way to know if or how much your son’s change in behavior has to do with your soon-to-arrive-addition-to-the-family. There are other changes going on in your son’s life, aside from that new bundle of joy. At about three years old, and several other times in the life of a child, they will reevaluate and re-test all the of boundaries that they have accepted up to that point. That sounds like bad news, but this is a natural part of the cognitive (brain function) development of a child. The important thing for us to remember as parents is that when our children reach another point of re-testing those boundaries, we must show them that the boundaries are real and firm and will be enforced. The beauty of each stage is that it is an opportunity to explain, on an even deeper level, the moral reason behind those boundaries or rules. Be strong. You are the parent. You are in charge. Be firm in reminding him that he will obey when you ask him to do something. Keep your word. Don’t make empty threats. Follow through immediately with discipline. Younger children are very good at learning first time obedience, it is often the parent’s enforcement that is lacking. The child is testing that, and if you let up now, it will be the first step down a road that leads to an anarchic disregard for authority. In a few years, he will be getting bigger and more difficult to physically handle, so it is important that he has a clear idea in his mind of who is in charge.

I would also like to suggest that you do some specific things that show him that although you now have to focus on a new child in the house, your love for him is as strong and full as ever.

1. Tell him several times a day how much you love him and how important he is to you. Look him right in the eye and with a big smile ask, “Do you know how much I love you?” and see what he says.
2. Get a special gift and give it to him right about the time he sees all the gifts for the new baby.
3. When you put the baby down for a nap, take a few minutes to play with him. Resist the temptation to jump on the dishes or housework right after putting the baby in her crib. Read him a story, get out the blocks, get on the floor and play legos with him. Take 10-15 minutes to fill up his love-tank, so he remembers how important he is to you.
4. Try to never use your care of the baby as a reason for not spending time with him. Instead of saying, “Mommy can’t play with you right now, I have to feed little sister,” say, “Mommy will play with you in a little bit,” and then follow through on your promise.
5. Feel free to include the older child as much as possible in the care of the younger child, but never force it. If he wants to hold little sister, show him how to do it safely, but if he doesn’t, don’t force it.

Bottom line: give him time, attention, affection, and as much discipline as needed.

In the last several posts, we have talked about dealing with various misbehaviors … disobedience, attention-getting, breaking rules and routines and acting out aggressively or deliberately hurting others. But, not all negative behaviors are misbehaviors. Sometimes children may act out inappropriately in an attempt to solve a real life problem.

Whenever Suzie starts to play on the computer, all of a sudden Billy wants to play and demands that it is his turn. They shout and fight, then push and shove. Their parents (thinking they are helping them) have told them to learn to solve the problem on their own, and not to be a tattle-tale. But all they are learning is how to hit harder. If a child genuinely needs help, he needs to be able to get it. If we teach children that “telling on someone” is wrong, we are stealing an important resource that should be available to them. It is important for children to know that they can get help when they need it, because sometimes when they have done everything right, they still may not be able to resolve the conflict. This is frustrating to the healthy child, and it enforces the belief that “good behavior is ineffective in the real world.”

God has put authority in place to protect us and enforce the “laws of the land” or “rules of the house.” Children should be learning that they can turn to authority for justice rather than taking that law into their own hands. A healthy view of authority maintains that authority is good and can be called upon to bring some kind of justice to a situation. Children should not have to resort to retaliation or self-defense. That is why parents, teachers and police are there (Romans 13). When children are left to fend for themselves, they develop streetwise skills: watch your back, get revenge, fight fire with fire. And when they are taught that parents do not have the role of helping kids with their problems, children find their own means for survival. These children believe that they should only interact with their peers, and exclude the adult world, because adults are believed to be unavailable, ineffective, unhelpful, unjust, uninvolved, and unconcerned. This type of parenting is a form of abandonment. This leads to kids that don’t go to teachers when someone is picking on them, and can result in them being bullied by others or in built up anger which, as we have seen, can result in violence as gruesome as school shootings.

Let’s Get Practical

Here are some very practical things that help kids learn to avoid and solve common conflicts:

If two people want to do the same thing (play with a toy, game, computer, etc.) they can use “rock, paper, scissors” to determine who goes first. Then …

Have several kitchen timers available throughout the house and let the kids use them to take turns. For example: a turn on the computer is 25 minutes. (By the way, we also have a dri-erase board next to the computer. Kids log their turns on the computer and after 3 (25 minute) turns, they have to read for 1 hour to earn more turns.)

For the game console, there is a sign-up sheet close by, where kids can sign up to be the next one to play.

We also have a sign posted in a conspicuous place in our house that clearly outlines the steps for preventing and stopping a fight:

How to Stop a Fight

1. If someone is doing something you don’t like, tell them to “stop” in a nice voice. Or, if the fight is about a toy or game, agree on a way to take turns. Set a timer and do ‘rock-paper-scissors’ to see who goes first.

2. If they don’t listen, tell them if they do it again you will have to get an adult.

3. If they still don’t listen, get an adult.

Remember:

No yelling, No hurting, No hurtful words.

We talk thought these steps on a regular basis with the kids. They seem so simple and yet they are so powerful. They also communicate that we are there to help them walk through difficult times and situations to give them wisdom and counsel when needed. When they do come to us, we affirm them, and try to help them find a peaceful solution to the problem.

We have been looking at 5 different types of misbehavior: disobedience, attention-getting behaviors, breaking rules and routines, deliberately hurting others, and wrong behavior rooted in real problems. So far we have covered disobedience and attention-getting, and breaking rules and routines. Today we tackle the question of what to do with a child who is acting out aggressively or deliberately hurting others.

The primary tool for teaching a child who is hurting others or acting out aggressively is the “time out.” When carried out consistently and properly, this can be a very effective means of helping a child learn appropriate behavior. But it can fail to accomplish this goal if it is not applied quickly, consistently and completely. Here are some guidelines for applying the time out:

1. Act immediately. We sabotage ourselves when we do not take action the first time we see the behavior. “If you hit your brother with that toy again, you are going into time out.” Giving this warning teaches the child that consequences come after a second offense. Giving the time our right away teaches the seriousness of the harmful behavior. This also keeps the situation from escalating to the point where the parent loses his temper. Remember, a parent losing his temper is the number one way to lose effectiveness. How can a child learn self control if we can’t?

2. The length of the time out should, under normal circumstances, be 1 minute for every year old of the child. A small kitchen timer or microwave timer can be used to track the time. Don’t just use the clock, this puts the burden of watching the time on you. (Besides, you need lots of kitchen timers around the house to track turns on the computer, reading time, turns on the video game, TV time, etc.)

3. There should be nothing interesting to do in a time out. Going to his room where there are many toys and games is not really a time out. Sitting on the bottom step, in a chair or in a corner, out of view of the TV, is more appropriate. A crib or travel yard can be used for small children.

4. Say as little as possible before, during and after the time out. Little Joey hits his brother with a plastic shovel. Mom comes up and in a calm but firm voice says, “We don’t hit other people.” Picks Joey up and deposits him in the play pen in his room and sets the timer. Also notice the statement is phrased as a general truth, “we don’t hit,” rather than “I’m sick and tired of you hitting your brother!” This second statement is about “the child’s hitting” making “me sick and tired,” which puts the tension between me and the child, rather than where it belongs: between the child’s behavior and the universal truth that hitting others is not acceptable. Absolutely nothing is spoken during the time out. Once the time out is over, for very young children (under 4) a one sentence reminder of the offence is all that should be spoken, “We don’t hit other people.” For older children (4 and up), nothing at all should be said. The child should be able to start over. At this point look for neutral and positive behavior to affirm so he knows that you are on his side.

5. If the child resists or does not stay in the chair, use the “kinetic assist.” Remember, this is using your body or movement to affect the body or movement of the child (this is not hurting or punishing, it is assisting). If the child does not stay seated or tries to run, place your hands on his shoulders and hold him to the chair and explain, “You must sit quietly for a 5 minute time out. I will start the timer when you sit quietly.” You continue to hold him until he stops struggling, then calmly, without a word, set the time and walk away. You may have to repeat this for an hour or all evening long, but showing the child that the limits are firm and secure, no matter how hard they are tested, will pay off in the long run. Keep your cool, the struggle is not between you and him, but between his self control and the temptation to fight the limits.

6. Finally, if the child’s emotional state becomes escalated, you may have to physically restrain him to help him get control of himself. To do this, come behind the child, his back against your front, put his arms across his chest (holding his left hand with your right and his right with your left), sit down and wrap each of your legs around each of his and say to him, “I am not going to hurt you, but I am going to hold you until you can calm down.” When he relaxes, loosen your grip, if he struggles, tighten your grip. It may take an hour or more before he is ready to sit quietly for his time out, but that is still the goal.

If all of the above are being followed, and the aggressive behavior is increasing rather than decreasing, then it is time to look for the underlying causes and get outside help from mature, trusted friends and perhaps a good Christian counselor.

We have been looking at 5 different types of misbehavior: disobedience, attention-getting, breaking rules and routines, deliberately hurting others, and wrong behavior rooted in real problems. So far we have covered disobedience and attention-getting behaviors. We now come to the third of these: breaking rules and routines.

Rules and routines are expectations of family members that are clear and have been taught over the years. We keep some of ours printed out and posted at strategic locations throughout the house (we did this even before the kids could read!). These are things that kids know about, but tend to ‘forget’ over and over again. Examples are: not finishing school work, not cleaning up toys, leaving a bike out, leaving a mess in the kitchen, forgetting to feed the pet, and not taking out the garbage. These can often result in a power struggle between a parent and a child that builds tension and can be very damaging over time. To begin to eliminate these behaviors, the parents need to set up an environment where the child can experience the natural or logical consequences of such behavior. In this article, we will focus on logical consequences. These accomplish a main goal that we have mentioned many times: put the tension where it belongs: between the child and the behavior, rather than between the child and the parent.

Here are some tips for developing some natural consequences to address this type of behavior:

1. Decide which behavior you want to change. Don’t try to tackle everything at once. Pick the one that is causing the most problems and work on that, then move on to other things. Recently we had an issue with leaving a Kool-aid mess in the kitchen, so we will use that as an example. (This is obviously for older children, the same core concepts would be applied to younger children.)

2. Determine the most logical consequences for the action. This should be as fair and reasonable as possible, otherwise it will be perceived by the child as punishment or personal revenge. It should be set up so the inherent logic and life experience will do the teaching. For our example, we would say, “If we find powder on the counter or Kool-aid drops around the kitchen, you will not be allowed to make Kool-aid for a certain period of time.” My tone of voice and demeanor communicate that “I am not mad and you’re not in trouble, this is just the natural order of things.”

3. The consequences should put the discomfort on the child not the parent. If my child has a habit of leaving his coat on the floor by the door every day after school and I choose to remind and nag him to hang it up, then I am taking on the burden and putting the tension between me and him. If I simply set up a logical consequence: “If your coat is left on the floor, you will lose a certain amount of allowance,” then there is no argument or anger or tension. If I see the coat, I just write on the dri-erase board, the child’s name and “-$1 coat”. I don’t want to take away allowance, I am on his side, I am his greatest cheerleader in getting victory over “forgetting to use the coat-hook.” But I don’t say anything, I let the consequences do the teaching.

4. Follow through. Be consistent. Not carrying out the logical consequences teaches the child that your word is meaningless. Even if a child seems very sorry and promises never to do it again, the consequence should be carried out. If a child can avoid consequences by being cute, they will practice charm instead of appropriate behavior and grow up to expect others to absorb the results of their poor choices.

5. The child should be able to “earn back” freedoms and privileges. “When we see that you are able to clean up your mess, you can starting making Kool-aid again.” This also teaches them the natural and logical order of things in the real world. When you are responsible, you are allowed to have freedoms that are given to responsible people.

Logical consequences give children the gift of experiencing a taste of life in the real, grown up world in a controlled environment, mixed with the patience and love of someone on their side.

In the next article, we will be looking at how to handle hurtful and destructive behavior.

We have been looking at 5 different types of misbehavior: disobedience, attention-getting, breaking rules and routines, deliberately hurting others, and wrong behavior rooted in real problems. In the last post we looked at the first of these: disobedience. Now we come to the second: attention-getting behaviors.

There is a long list of things that children do to get attention: whining, arguing, throwing fits (falling on the floor or kicking and screaming), pestering other kids, crying without reason, not responding to an adult when spoken to, demanding parents or adults to do things for them, interrupting, saying “you don’t love me,” or “I don’t love you,” answering every response with the question, “why?” when they are not really interested in the answer, and the list goes on. What distinguishes these behaviors is not the behavior itself, but the motivation: to get attention. As you can see, the severity of these behaviors spans a wide range.

There is a two step process for dealing with attention-getting behavior that deals with the core of the issue. The first step is to ignore the behavior. The second step is to be used when the child’s behavior begins to infringe on the rights of other people, and that is to set up the either-or-choice.

Before I begin this process, I will usually let the child know what they are doing wrong and, if possible, the appropriate action to take. For example, “You are whining right now and I am not going to respond, if you would like to ask for something properly, then go ahead.” Or, “This conversation is now turning into an argument, and I am not going to argue.”

Ignoring a child’s attention-getting behavior is a lot more difficult than it sounds. It requires giving the child no attention at all: no words, no facial expressions, no eye-contact, no body language, nothing. Pretend like they are not even in the room. This can be very difficult if the child is throwing a fit, but if you have ever been ignored, then you know how powerful this can be. You must go about your business and even have a good time, remember: you are in control of your own attitude and emotions. Over time, the child will realize that the behavior does not accomplish their goal of getting your attention.

When this does not eliminate the behavior, or the child escalates to infringing on the rights of others, the second step is to give him an either-or-choice. This is not punishment and you are not angry, you are just going to create a situation in which their behavior does not affect others and you can continue to ignore it. For example, “You can either choose to stop whining, or you can go to your room and whine there,” or “You can either choose to stop pestering your brother, or you can go to your room.” You are not giving them a command at this point, there is no anger or power struggle. They have the choice. If they do not either stop the behavior or go to their room, then you will have to assist them (see previous post on the “kinetic assist”).

These steps are a teaching process and learning a new behavior takes time. Being consistent and remembering not to sabotage the process by giving attention, or becoming angry or emotional will help the learning take place.

In the last post, I introduced 5 different types of misbehavior: disobedience, attention-getting, breaking rules and routines, deliberately hurting others, and wrong behavior rooted in real problems. Today we look at how to respond to the first of these, disobedience. There are two tools in the hands of parents that are very useful for dealing with simple disobedience.

The first one is what I call the kinetic assist. Kinetic means “motion” or “causing to move.” The kinetic assist is helpful when a small child is learning to obey simple commands such as, “come here,” “pick up the toys,” and “bring that book here.” Think of this as a teaching tool to help your child learn to follow your instructions the first time. Sometimes this can be as simple as walking over to a child (your motion effecting their response), sometimes it may be putting a hand on a shoulder helping the child do what is instructed (causing the motion), and other times it may be physically picking a child up and moving them to the required location. The idea is, you are using your motion to cause their motion. You do this with as little force as is necessary.

For example, you tell little Suzie, “come here,” and she continues to sit and play, or says, “no, I’m busy right now.” You calmly restate the instruction, “Suzie, I said come here now.” She is silent. Without any emotion you walk over to the child, place a hand on her shoulder and direct her to come over to where she was asked. There is no need for anger of frustration, or even any more words at this point. You are just teaching that when you give an instruction, you are going to make sure that it is carried out. If you are not willing to get up and make sure the child obeys, then don’t give the instruction.

Your attitude during and after the kinetic assist is key to establishing the tone of the relationship. There is no anger, no lecturing, no “holding anything against them.” You simply go back to whatever it was you were doing before, treating the child as if nothing ever happened. This way they know it was the behavior that was disagreeable, not him or her as a person.

The second tool to correct disobedience is spanking. As foster parents, we were not allowed to use spanking so we had to work very hard on all the other tools for correction and instruction, but with our own children, I believe we were able to use it effectively. Some parents may shy away from spanking for a variety of reasons, but I believe, when used properly, it can be done appropriately, respectfully and effectively. Proverbs 22:15 says, “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.” Understood properly, spanking is a tool for helping change the heart attitude of a child.

When a child fails to obey an instruction and the kinetic assist does not seem appropriate or useful for that circumstance, or if the child becomes more blatantly defiant, say to the child in a calm and controlled voice, “you are choosing to not obey Daddy, I am going to give you a spanking so that you will learn to obey.” Take the child to their room and administer one or more swats from your hand to their bottom. I am being very specific here so that you understand clearly what I mean (and don’t mean) by spanking. After the spanking has been administered, nothing more needs to be said about the offense. If the child has a task to complete, they may be given a couple minutes to stop crying, wash up, and then come back and complete the task. If not, you can just say, “You may come out of your room when you are ready.” When the child returns, once again, your attitude is key to establishing the tone of the continued relationship. The child should know that you love him, you have forgiven him for the offense, and that you are not going to “rub his face in it” or shame him.

Here are some further guidelines that should direct the use of spanking:

• NEVER spank in anger. If you are angry, wait until you are in control of your emotions before you administer the spanking.
• Spanking is a teaching tool, not a way for a parent vent frustration.
• Don’t think of spanking as a last resort, it should be used as a direct response to blatant defiance.
• Spanking should never be done in public or in front of others, even the other children. A public spanking allows shame to enter the picture and shame should never be a part of any corrective measure.
• I recommend not spanking on a “bare bottom,” a diaper or clothing should be left in place. Once again, shame has no place in discipline. I would also recommend spanking on the bottom only, and never the head or face.
• Never spank with a belt, and I recommend never spanking with any object.

The kinetic assist and the appropriate use of spanking are two tools to use when a child is disobedient. Next time, we look at how to respond to attention-getting behavior.

It happens to all of us as parents. We are at a loss for how to deal with a child’s behavior. Is it a time out, a spanking, a lecture, take away a privilege, give an explanation, ignore them, physically move the child to another room, put him on restriction … what is the right consequence for a particular behavior and how do I administer it most effectively?!

We have now come to Passionate Legacy Principle #6: Have a plan for discipline. Learn what consequences should be applied to which behaviors, so that when the situation arises you are prepared to act decisively.

Before we can respond with the best possible discipline we must first understand what type of behavior is causing the problem. In this post, we will examine FIVE types of inappropriate behavior and in upcoming articles we will look at effective ways of dealing with each one.

The first is disobedience. The child simply does not comply with something a parent is telling her to do. “It’s time to go home now,” says the parent, and the child simply ignores it. Dad says, “Put the toy away, please,” and little Suzie responds with a very polite “No. I’m not done playing.” Mom explains, “You may not take the cracker into the living room, we keep our snacks at the table,” and Joey keeps walking with the cracker toward the TV. This type of situation may be very calm and cool or they may escalate into angry defiance with screaming and tears, but the basic behavior is the same: the child refuses to do what he is being told by the parent to do. This is disobedience and this is more common with younger children who are beginning to assert their own self-will.

Next is attention-getting-behaviors. These are things a child does to bring them lots of attention. Whining, arguing for no apparent reason, throwing a fit, asking lots of questions that they know the answer to, pestering a sibling, being bossy to other children or even adults, or yelling things like “I hate you!” are all examples of attention-getting-behaviors.

Third is breaking rules and routines. Where disobedience is not obeying a direct request at the time it is given, breaking rules and routines is when a child fails to comply with something they should not have to be reminded to do. Examples are: failing to do homework, not getting off to school on time, not cleaning up after oneself, going into off-limits places, not completing homework on time, and playing on the computer past the time limit. This type of behavior is more easily recognized and more common with older children. Many parents fall into the pattern of constantly reminding or nagging the child to do what they know is expected, and it feels like the parent is working harder than the child.

Next is deliberately hurting others. Other destructive or aggressive behavior could be placed in this category as well, like throwing toys or yelling at another person in a fit of rage. Sometimes a child might even hurt themselves. Although pestering a sibling might be an attempt to get attention, especially if it is only when a parent is around, violent and aggressive behavior toward a sibling would fall into this category.

The last category is wrong behavior rooted in real problems. In this category there is a real problem, need or conflict in which a child needs help, but do not know the proper way to get the help or solve the problem. A child has a legitimate need, say hunger, and whines to try to meet that need, “I—-I’m Huuuuungry.” Or he has a conflict with another child over a toy and it leads to a fight. They are not trying to get attention or disobey, they need help resolving a real life problem.

So, the five types of inappropriate behavior are:

1. Disobedience

2. Attention Getting

3. Rule and Routine Breaking

4. Deliberately Hurting Others

5. Wrong Behavior Rooted in Real Problems

Next time, we will begin to look at specific forms of discipline and responses to each of these types of behavior.

The following question came to me in an email:

“In the morning (6:30 AM) our child does not want to get up! He whines and complains and is very grouchy, even though he went to bed on time the night before (8:00 PM). After being called 5 or 6 times he finally gets out of bed and then starts picking fights with the other kids!”

About a week after I got this email, we had the same exact situation in our house with an 8 year old foster daughter. I had to wake her up several times each morning. One morning I woke her up and when I checked 10 minutes later, her bed was empty, so I assumed she was in the bathroom getting ready. When it was about 5 minutes before time to leave for school, I found her, still in her pajamas, sleeping on the floor by her closet!

Logical consequences should be applied for the child who doesn’t want to get up in the morning and remember, the tension is between the child and the consequences. You are on her side, you are her ally, you are just the messenger of the logical consequences so don’t get sucked into a battle, it is not your battle to fight!

Over dinner, or sometime during the evening, sit the child down and explain to him that “we are going to be taking some steps” to insure that he gets the proper amount of sleep at night. Each morning he will be woken up and told that it is time to get up. (Be sure he is really awake, some children – not to mention adults! – can look like they are awake, but still be mostly asleep. Pull back the covers, rub his back, kiss him, pick him up, tickle him, whatever you do, but it should be POSITIVE, not a rude awakening.) After that, if he doesn’t get up and get ready with a good attitude, then he obviously didn’t get enough sleep the night before, so bed time the next night will be 10 minutes earlier. Be true to your word. On the first day, if he doesn’t get up when told, bed time is 10 minutes earlier. If you give “chances,” then you are showing the child that you are NOT a person of your word! The second time, 10 more minutes earlier. No lectures, no yelling, no arguments, no emotion. The consequences speak for themselves, and the child is in complete control of his future bed times. The third time, 10 more minutes earlier. You do this every time, even if it means he is going to bed at 6 PM, or earlier! If he goes a week without problem, bed time can be pushed back 10 minutes until it reaches the original time.

We did this with the 8 year old girl mentioned above and she did great! She didn’t want to lose any playtime in the evening, so she got right up in the morning!

The beauty of this example is that it sets a pattern in the life of the child to learn how to have self-discipline (getting myself out of bed) rather than following the “path of least resistance” (sleeping in). This skill will pay off in huge ways in the future in so many areas!

Last time we talked about the importance of “First Time Obedience,” and we began a list of tips for parents to help develop the habit of first time obedience. Here is a quick review of the first four tips and a description of four more …

1. Use a positive tone of voice. A positive tone of voice lets children know you respect them.

2. Give lead time, if possible. Give some advance notice that you are going to want something to happen soon.

3. If at all possible, give a choice. By saying to the child, “You can choose to do either this or that,” you empower the child and give him or her a sense of control.

4. If you cannot give a choice, sometimes you can describe the facts of the situation. For example: “It’s time to go home.” or “The table is not for sitting on.”

5. Be reasonable in the type and number of choices or commands you give. You will have to be the judge of how many commands per day are reasonable, but remember, the fewer commands you give the more likely the child will take notice when you do give a command. As the child grows toward puberty, you should need to give fewer and fewer commands. The older the child, the more areas of life should be in his or her own area of control. We do not own children. Any command that orders children around just because the adult wants to wield power over them is not reasonable. Any command that tries to force a bodily function on the child is also unreasonable, “Eat that food” or “Stop wetting your bed” are unreasonable commands.

6. The fewer words the better. Be as brief as possible. Give only one, or at most two commands at a time. Giving too many commands at once is confusing. “Gary, go upstairs and bring me a diaper for the baby, and on your way, turn off those bathroom lights, and when you’re done with that, you can either take the letters on the hallway table out to the mailbox before we watch Sesame Street or before lunch.” This kind of command is too hard to remember even for a very intelligent child. Keep it short, clear and simple. A one word command is sometimes the best. Rather that telling a five year old who knows better to pick up her coat and put in on the rack, simply point at the coat and say “coat,” in an authoritative yet not angry voice. A single word is hard to argue with.

7. Be sure you can follow through with the correction, otherwise do not give the command or choice. If you are in a public place, like the grocery store or at a school play, and you know you will be too embarrassed to carry out the correction, do not give the command. You must be consistent in carrying out the correction the first time the child does not mind. It is better to not give the command than to sabotage yourself by commanding and then not seeing it through.

8. Do not respond to self–indulgent behavior. Concentrate on dealing with the not-minding behavior. Do not let the child’s accusation, complaints, whining, name calling, or scolding deflect you from carrying out the correction for not-minding. You will sabotage yourself if you get hooked into responding in any way to the self-indulgent behavior.

When these tips become habits, they promote first time obedience in children. They are a starting point and form the general foundation for expectations of behavior. In the next post, we will get more specific about how to administer discipline when first time obedience does not happen. We will be looking at the four categories of disobedience and how to specifically address each one with the appropriate discipline.