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Passionate Legacy Principle #1: Be a desirable example of godliness so that your children will choose it for themselves. Children grow up to be adults with a free will. They will choose a way of life based on what seems desirable, true, available, and satisfying. We need to win them over the way we win over any non-believer.

What do your children think of your Christianity? Would they say your Christian life is boring or exciting? Would they say your Christianity is busywork or passionate purposefulness? Are you living your life in such a way that your children will want to follow in your “spiritual footsteps”?

When most of us first came to Christ, we were on fire for the Lord and passionate about our faith, but after a few years we became comfortable and lazy. We begin to surround ourselves with “safe” Christian friends who protect us from temptation. They become so much a part of the formula for our success that they ended up substituting for the power of Christ at work within us. Our contact with the unbelieving world became more accidental or professional rather than deliberate.

At first we were excited about studying the Bible to know Jesus more, but as the years passed we began to study the Bible to know the Bible more.

Church was at first a place to go to get healing, but later become a place to hide from the world. It became a place to relax and catch up with friends, rather that a place to prepare and re-energize for our next adventure into the spiritual battlefield of the “soul harvest” of the world.

At first, we did ministry because we were so excited about our relationship with God, and we wanted to share that. But later, it became just what was expected of us. It became reluctant, redundant, and boring.

Our children witness that change. When they don’t see genuine passion in us or in our spiritual activities, that invalidates everything they are being taught about how to have a passionate relationship with Jesus Christ.

It is easier to live off the past victories of our faith, and remember how great it was when we gave up sin or led someone to Christ, than it is to continue to fight in the daily spiritual battle for lost souls. But the problem is, when we don’t stay engaged in spiritual combat, we get rusty and old and out of shape and all of our passion fades away, leaving us just going through the motions.

If we want our children to want a relationship with Jesus we will have to show them that it is something worth having. We have to show them that Jesus Christ is active and powerful, and that His word is true. And we have to show them that being in a relationship with Jesus is satisfying our spiritual needs. We have to show them that we are involved in something that is worthwhile. We will have to live with purpose and with passion. If being a Christian is reduced to following rules, going to church and serving in ministry, all out of obligation, it is not a desirable way of life and our children will find another way.

Questions to ponder:

Are you bringing your kids to church to be safe from the bad things of the world or to learn to make a difference in the world?

Are you engaged in spiritual combat?

Are your children learning that they need God only when things are going bad?

Have you lost your initial enthusiasm and passion for Christ? Have you tapered off on the spiritual disciplines that you participated in when you were a new believer?

Are you taking credit for the fruits of your good, moral life by forgetting that God is the One who gives all good gifts, and that none are deserved?

Are you involved in a lot of Christian activities because that’s just what Christians do, or are you involved with passion in what God is doing?

In your personal Bible study, are you getting to know the Bible or Jesus Himself?

Is the power of your Christianity based on your church friends and moral behavior, or God himself?

What can you do or change to follow God with more passion?

Our goal is to make Passionate Legacy as practical and applicable as possible. To do that, we need to hear about your questions, struggles and sticky situations that you find yourself in as a parent. If you are dealing with a difficulty, then chances are there are many other parents out there who are dealing with the same thing. We invite you to email us your questions and quandaries so that we can highlight them in future posts – don’t worry, we won’t print your name or identifying information, or embarrass you in any way. We simply want to address the issues that you are dealing with right now. So, join in the conversation and let’s hear from you today.

Use the link to the right under “Contact Us”.

How does homework and academics compete with video games?

In the news this morning was a short article that stated, “Study: Video Games Can Hurt Schoolwork. Study suggests new video gamers face immediate drop in reading, writing skills at school.” (Here’s the link if you would like to read the article).

My response to this new finding is ‘duh.’ Surprise, surprise, kids would rather play games than study. Okay, in all fairness, the authors of the study state that while the conclusion seems obvious, “it was important to scientifically prove that conventional wisdom was correct.” I agree, it is nice to know that our common sense holds up in the scientific study. But what is a parent to do? Here are our thoughts…

First, wait. Don’t introduce a gaming system into the house while the kids are young. We waited until our kids were 8 and 10 before we got our first gaming system. They had plenty of other interests and were both avid readers before this decision was made. They had friends over, and wrote and acted out plays with them as one of their pastimes. We knew they were developing socially and creatively before we got the system. Before this, they did play some educational games on the computer, such as Reader Rabbit, but we had no gaming system.

Second, no gaming system until all homework is done. We have a strict routine in our house that is printed and posted. Get home from school, hang up your coat, eat your snack (they usually visit and chat over their snack to provide a nice break and transition), then finish homework. No electronic entertainment until homework is finished.

Third, set strict time guidelines for play. For example: our kids (who are now 12 and 14) are allowed three – 30 minute turns* on either a game system or the computer (after each turn, they must offer the game to anyone else in the house who might want to play, they must also record the turn on a dry-erase board kept near the computer). After those turns, they can read for 1 hour to earn three more turns. After that, they are done for the day, they cannot earn any more turns. (We have made exceptions to this during vacations or school holidays and allowed them to read additional hours to earn more turns.) We have several kitchen timers around the computer and in the living room for them to track their time. And if we find that they don’t have the timer set, then their current turn is immediately over, they must offer the game to others.

Finally, the above guidelines would be adjusted based on the school performance of the child. If certain academic areas suffer, then gaming time would be reduced and replaced by work in that area.

Do you have some ideas or thoughts on how to win the ‘video game competition’? Please comment through the blog or drop us an email and we will post it.

* three – 30 minutes turns will be too much for a family that watches television. In our house we don’t watch TV (None. Zero. Really, it’s true.) In a home where the kids watch TV, this should be adjusted downward according to the time spent on TV. The same guideline could be used for all video-based entertainment, that is, three – 30 minute turns of TV, computer, or game system, then 1 hour of reading to earn more turns.

For many of us as Christian parents, we inadvertently give the impression that Christianity is about what we do and don’t do. We say it’s about a relationship with God, but we live a life that exhibits the fact that our Christianity is bound up in two things: rules and busyness. We don’t do certain unbecoming things (at least not openly) and we busy ourselves in the multitude of programs, Bible studies, seminars, so-called “ministry opportunities,” and church events that keep us safely ensconced behind the fortress walls of our church buildings or within our tight circle of Christian friends. We surround ourselves with all the accoutrements of middleclass suburban evangelicalism and we don’t realize that we have traded our passion for glory, we have left the adventure for the country club.

Our children see the protected shell that we call Christianity and it’s no wonder they want out. God has placed within us a longing for adventure. Our kids have that longing and the irony of the situation is: if we were truly living out our faith as the passionate adventure that it was intended to be, they would actually be drawn to it, rather than repelled by it.

Is your faith a passionate adventure or a safe hideaway?

Recommended Books for Teens

Do you wonder what books about dating and purity would be good for your teens to be reading? Do you wonder how to select a book that is age appropriate for your teen? Let’s face it, even some good, solid, Christian books have too much information for certain age kids!! Do you ever wish someone could read all the books and recommend the best ones for the best ages? Well, my wonderful wife, Sandra has done just that!

Below is a list of recommended books arranged by the age at which the book would be appropriate for reading by a teen. Click the title of any book to see the Amazon web page which gives lots of information and, in many cases, reviews. (No, we don’t get any money from Amazon for putting these links in … they are just for your information. Many of these books are available at your local library!)

Books I would recommend for a 12 year old regarding puberty, dating, marriage, sex and purity:

Redefining Beautiful by Jenna Lucado
So You’re About to be a Teenager by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

Books I would recommend for a 13 year old regarding dating, marriage, sex and purity:

I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris

Books I would recommend for a 14-15 year old regarding dating, marriage, sex and purity:

Eyes Wide Open by Brienne Murk
Authentic Beauty by Eric and Leslie Ludy
Guys are Waffles, Girls are Spaghetti by Chad Eastham with Bill and Farrel
Connecting With God: A Teen Mania Devotional by Ron Luce
Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris
Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot

Books I would recommend for a 16 year old regarding dating, marriage, sex and purity:

Not even a Hint by Joshua Harris
When God Writes your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy

Books I would recommend for an 18 year old regarding marriage, sex and purity:

A Perfect Wedding by Eric and Leslie Ludy
Every Young Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn
Every Young Woman’s Battle by Shannon Ethridge

Got any great recommendations? Send us an email with your reviews of books for teens or parents!

A radio talk show host who discusses technology recently received the following message from a parent, “I caught my 12-year-old daughter sending a picture of herself naked to her boyfriend. She used her cell phone. I guess I should have talked to her sooner. But how do I do it now? I am so confused. And I feel like a bad parent.”

Raging hormones are as old as time, but the techno-culture we live in has complicated things more than just a bit. We live in an image-rich web of interconnectivity in which privacy is a façade and images, information, and relationships move at the speed of electrons.

I love rollercoasters. A couple years ago my family and I rode Space Mountain at Disney World and we all loved it. What makes this roller coaster unique is that it is indoors with all kind of lighting effects and visuals that make the ride a whole different experience. At times during the ride it is completely dark, and you cannot see when the next turn or twist is going to take place.

Going to Junior High and High School has always been kind of like being on a rollercoaster. It still is, but now the environment has changed so much, it’s like riding in the dark where you don’t know when the next drop off is going to occur. But for our kids, Space Mountain is the only rollercoaster they have ever known, so although we try to talk to them about it, their experience is so different, it is like speaking to someone from a different country. In a very real sense, we as parents need to be missionaries to our kids, entering into their culture and learning their language and sharing the timeless, unchangeable message of Christ with them in ways that they understand.

Our goal is not to operate out of a spirit of fear, but a position of strength. Strength in our own walk with God, strength in our relationships with our children, and in turn, their own strength in their desire and resolve to follow Christ.

As we re-launch Passionate Legacy, our desire is to create a community where parents can discuss and work together toward the goal of raising kids who are strong enough in their convictions to stand firm, even in the face of the difficult-to-navigate waters of our culture. We are inviting questions, comments and a trading of resources to help in this objective. Please feel free to use the email link on the right to give any feedback.

Kids will make their own decisions, they will develop and chose for themselves their own worldview. How they see you and your worldview will affect their choices. Do you have strength in your convictions? How does your worldview affect the way you live your life? Is your way of life desirable, based on truth, and ultimately satisfying? Do your beliefs actually work in the real world? The answers to those questions will influence how much your kids desire to adopt your beliefs and way of life.

Resource: Are you wondering about the 12-year-old sending pictures to her boyfriend? Click HERE for the article.

Note: see new documents in the “Helpful Document Download” section — >>>

Have you ever noticed how often your children need reminding of things that you have taught them and are teaching them? God recognized this need for reminders when he gave the nation of Israel Deuteronomy 6:4-9. This passage became sort of the life-mission-statement for the people of Israel: “Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.”

The need for reminders does not just apply to kids. I find myself constantly needing to be reminded of parenting skills that I learned and then later found myself slipping on. That being the case, here is a summary list of the key parenting principles that we have been talking about since Passionate Legacy began back in December of 2007. After each principle are links to the articles which address that topic.

1. Be a desirable example of godliness so that your children will choose it for themselves. Children grow up to be adults with a free will. They will choose a way of life based on what seems desirable, true, available, and satisfying. (Matt. 5:15-16, Titus 2:6-8, 1 Peter 3:1-2)

Convincing or Living?

A Leader Worth Following

We have seen the enemy …

2. Accept your right and responsibility to train your children. (Prov. 22:6, Deut. 6:4-7, Eph. 6:4b, Titus 2:15)

Who has the authority in your house?

3. Aim at the heart. The goal of parenting is to instill a desire and ability to love God and obey him. Our primary goal is to motivate our children to obey God out of love for God and a love for what is right. Our secondary job is to equip them with the tools to be able to accomplish this with success.

The Essential Nature of Self-Control

Fear of Punishment or Love for what is right?

Aim for the Heart

4. Make the rules of the house clear and consistent. (Eph. 6:4, Col. 3:21)

Clear and Consistent

5. Expect obedience. Always ensure that your word is obeyed.

Expect First Time Obedience

First Time Obedience Part II

6. Have a plan for discipline. Learn what consequences should be applied to which misbehaviors so that when the situation arises you are prepared to act decisively.

Have a Plan for Discipline Part 1 Handling Disobedience

Handling Attention-Getting Behavior

Handling Habitual Breaking of Rules and Routines

Handling Aggressive Behavior and Deliberately Hurting Others

Conflict Resolution Skills for Kids

7. Understand the phases of childhood and select discipline that is appropriate to each.

Phases of Parenting

8. Deliver consequences and discipline in a godly, empathetic way.

Taking the Anger out of Discipline Fighting the Battle!

See Discipline as Teaching

Is Your Discipline Getting Derailed?

Are you getting frustrated at your children’s lack of response to your discipline? Do you find them falling into the same patterns of disobedience and poor behavior over and over again, even after being punished? Do you feel like your discipline efforts are getting you nowhere?

Today we would like to offer two suggestions: 1. Be patient and 2. Look carefully for “Discipline Derailers”

I have heard parents say, “Spanking doesn’t work for my kid,” and they give up on spanking. The problem with this type of thinking is that discipline does not work overnight. There are no “quick-fixes” and it may take weeks or even months of consistent discipline to train a child in a certain area. Be patient, be consistent.

Look carefully for “Discipline Derailers.” These are things that we as parents do that sabotage our own discipline with our kids. Here are some examples:

Procrastination: Repeating yourself and then not following through until you are angry, only teaches the child that it is safe to ignore the first three or four commands. Threatening some discipline, but not following through, teaches the child that your word is meaningless. Remember, children can learn first-time-obedience, if it is expected every time.

Talking too much when the child or parent are angry: Our talking during discipline should be as brief as possible, and limited to what they did wrong and what they need to do right. Advising, lecturing, moralizing or teaching when either the adult or the child is seething with negative emotions will turn off the child’s ability to listen. Discipline should be as brief and non-verbal as possible. Verbal training should be done at positive times.

Negative Scripting: Children will believe they are, who you say they are. Don’t call them names, label them, predict a negative future or devalue them in any way (e.g. “Why are you always such a slob?”).

Bribing: Bribing will teach your child to expect rewards for obedience rather than to obey because it is right.

Making it personal: The tension should be between the child and the moral truth or principle, not between the child and you. Parents say things like, “I don’t want to listen to you whine anymore,” or “after all we have done for you, this is how you repay us?” or “I am sick and tired of your tantrums.” All of these statements make the parent the center of the issue and put the tension between the child and parent. Alternatives would be, “We don’t whine. Please use your big boy voice and I will listen to what you have to say,” or “If you don’t get up off the floor, you will have a time out.”

Anger: We believe one of the biggest “Discipline Derailers” is anger. When we get emotionally involved, and our anger gets the best of us, we have lost control of ourselves, control of the situation, and the respect of the child. How can we expect our children to control their impulses when we are not in control of our own? When we yell, get sucked into intense arguments, slam doors, call names, or belittle the child, we have sabotaged our efforts at discipline.

We should speak to our children in a calm and respectful way, and deliver consequences in a godly and empathetic manner. Add to that, a lot of patience and consistency, leading by example and a whole bunch of prayer, and we are on our way to leaving a Passionate Legacy in the lives of our children.

You will notice on the right, there is a new section on the Passionate Legacy web page called Helpful Document Downloads. Periodically, we will be posting items that we have found useful to print and put up in our house. There will always be two versions of a document, an MS Word version (which can be edited), and a PDF version (use this if you don’t have Word on your computer).

“Where two or three are gathered … someone spills their milk!” The former president of Multnomah University, Dr. Joe Aldrich, used to say this in pointing out the fact that whenever two or more people live in close proximity of each other, some crisis is bound to happen. Some issue, some trouble, some quarrel is going to come up. Conflict is inevitable. But how we handle conflict will be the difference between the road to isolation and alienation, or the path to closeness and a deeper relationship. This is never more true than in the family. Conflict is inevitable, but conflict is also an opportunity! When a conflict is handled properly, the relationship is actually stronger on the other side, than it was before. The key is working through the conflict in a productive and effective way. Here are the steps to resolving conflict for teens and adults:

1. Go to the person you are angry with (or who is angry with you), and tell them that you would like to talk to them.

2. Identify the problem or issue clearly and concisely. If it was an offense against you, state “in terms of behavior” the offense and how it made you feel. Avoid name-calling, keep a calm tone of voice, and attack the problem not the person.

3. Allow the other person to give their side of the story or perspective on that issue.

4. Try to admit what you did wrong in the situation and “own” your part of the conflict.

5. Each person ask for forgiveness for their own part in the argument.

6. Each person agree to forgive the other.

7. Together, come up with an action plan for avoiding this conflict in the future. Each one commit to this plan and say what they will do differently from that point on.

(This list is available for download as an MS Word document or a PDF in the Downloads section of the Passionate Legacy web page.)

These should be posted in a conspicuous place in the house and teens should be invited to use these with each other and with the parents, and parents should use them with teens and with each other as well.

Note that in step 2, you are to identify the offense “in terms of behavior.” This is in contrast to a “characterization of personality.” Listen to the following: “Why are you always so rude!?” “You are being a pest!” “Why are you such a slob!?” Contrast these statements, which make characterizations, with the following alternatives: “When you spoke to me in that tone of voice, it sounded disrespectful,” “When you make those noises while I am trying to read, it really bothers me,” “Please pick up the mess you left on the table and floor of the dining room.” These last three statements address a specific behavior and will be more readily received than any blanket statement of personality or name-calling. This way of speaking will help in any relationship (marriage, coworkers, etc.), but it is HUGE in parenting. It breaks my heart when I hear a parent calling a child a name: sloppy, lazy, dumb, stubborn, etc. Name calling condemns the other person and may become a self-fulfilling prophecy, whereas addressing the specific behavior gives the person hope because they know exactly what they can change to make the relationship better.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1