Deep, intimate, meaningful connections only happen when two people are able to let their guards down and be completely vulnerable and real with each other. They must feel the freedom to be honest about who they really are and all of their true thoughts and feelings.
What is it that keeps us from having deep and intimate relationships? I think the best answer is: Self-protection. Why do we need to protect ourselves? Because we are not sure that it is safe to be ourselves. Why do we need to believe that others think well of us and love us to expose our true self? Because we are afraid that someone will conclude that we are not “enough.” We are insecure and we believe it might actually be true. We need to know that we are safe and loved before we can be willing to let our guard down. It is not safe if others are constantly pointing out our faults or judging us for our mistakes.
A woman may think her husband is confident and secure, and so she points out whenever he is wrong or makes a mistake, but he is not strong and secure. He lives with self-doubt every day. And he will never be safe enough to take off his mask and be vulnerable, if she doesn’t find grace and compassion. Every human soul is fragile and must be treated with gentleness and respect.
I noticed a pattern in our marriage. Whenever I would bring up something that my husband could work on, he would defend himself and try to convince me that he was much better than I believed he was. I concluded that his behavior meant that he thought he was perfect and never did anything wrong. So I would redouble my efforts at pointing out all the ways that he falls short, to prove to him that he was not perfect. Of course my behavior would invite him to continue to deny any wrongdoing because it seemed that I was making him out to be way worse than he actually was.
Then one day I had the opportunity in a counseling session to witness the mask coming down, and what was revealed was shocking. He didn’t think he was perfect, or even good. He had an inner critic inside his head that was constantly condemning him for imperfection. He lived with chronic self-contempt. On the inside he was not strong and self-assured, he was actually filled with insecurity.
I had mistaken insecurity for pride. I don’t know if I was the first to make it unsafe for him to be vulnerable with his insecurities or he was the first to invite me to convince him of his human imperfections by his defensiveness, but either way once I understood that he had insecurities just like me, it changed everything. I realized that I had become a very unsafe place for him, I had joined in with his inner critic against him, rather than joining him in his journey toward the truth of his security in Christ.
I starting having grace for my husband when I saw his walls come down and he admitted to having fears and insecurities, and that he wasn’t perfect. That’s when I was able to stop defending myself against him and the lie that he thought he was better than me. I began to have compassion for his inner critic. I started to see that I was just as sinful as he was. All the things that he did that I didn’t like, I did too. I wouldn’t admit this before or see it before because I was too busy self-protecting because he was so self-protective towards me.
There is not a person in this world that is not wrestling with insecurities on the inside. Even people who appear overly confident have insecurities. Pride is a cover-up for insecurity. We are all trying to seem like we are secure on the outside, but it is only a mask. We all wrestle with thoughts that we are not “enough.” We fear that others will look down on us. What we are really afraid of, is that their judgment might be right and that we might actually not be “enough.” So we self-protect. We put on a mask and project a version of ourselves that we think will be acceptable to others so that they will think that we are “enough” and then we can believe that we are enough.
When someone says something that makes us feel bad about ourselves, we become angry and want to fight it because we believe that it is not true. But at the exact same time we all believe deep down on the inside that it might be true, and that’s why it hurts so much. We fear that if it is true, then we are not “enough.” The pain comes from what we believe inside, not from the words spoken by others. We are deeply insecure.
We believe “I am not worthless!!” And at the same time we believe, “I might be worthless.” We are dependent on the thoughts of others to validate our self-worth. We give others WAY too much power. We need to take it back and give all of the power of determining our worth, to God. When we realize that people’s thoughts about us don’t determine our worth, we are more free to be vulnerable with others and have authentic relationships because we are no longer dependent on them for our self-worth.
If we want deep and intimate relationships, we need to take off the masks and stop self-protecting. We have to both reveal our fears and insecurities, and make it safe for others to do the same. This means having constant grace and compassion for the failings of others. People need to know that that they are safe and loved regardless of their behavior before they can venture to put their masks down and be their authentic selves.
When you experience being loved by someone who knows all of your insecurities, deepest fears, and inner thoughts and motivations, then you have experienced true intimacy. Intimacy is to know each other fully, and to experience full acceptance of each other, completely unmasked. When we cover and hide our insecurities, we perpetuate the hiding in others.
We can begin a new cycle. Our vulnerability, grace, and lack of judgment can give others the freedom to be their real authentic selves. We can find true intimacy.
