Acceptance is a key part of spiritual growth. When we understand that we are accepted, we live on the basis of relationship rather than trying to prove ourselves worthy. We tend to work very hard to make ourselves good enough for God. This is the law working within us. It helps some sick parts of us- such as our self-righteousness, our pride, and our fear of being dependent -feel safe, in control, and less vulnerable and needy. Acceptance does away with the need to prove ourselves worthy and replaces it with an appeal to living on the basis of relationship rather than by performance and good works. When we truly understand that God isn’t mad at us anymore, we become free to concentrate on love and growth instead of trying to appease Him” (How People Grow p.150).
Sometimes, when parents discover that their teenager has made a poor choice they express their disappointment and provide punishment. Sometimes in churches when people admit to going through struggles, their behavior is addressed with expediency, and they may be required to make a public confession, removed from ministry, or told to take a break from people. Sometimes in marriage, when we find out that our spouse has wronged us in some way, we express disapproval, we get angry, we may give the silent treatment.
In all of these situations, the responses are not without reason. We want someone who has made a poor choice to change their behavior. And we want them to know that we do not accept that type of behavior. But these responses are punitive rather than redemptive. Shame and punishment may discourage someone from repeating the same behavior, but our goal should be restoration, redemption, and spiritual growth, not just behavioral change.
“Acceptance is the state of receiving someone into relationship. To be accepted is to have all of your parts, good and bad, received by another without condemnation. Because of God’s grace, we are accepted into relationship with Him. The Cross appeased the requirement of God’s holiness and we are restored to acceptance. Acceptance breaks our bondage to the impossible demands of the law. So, when we break the law now, we do not lose our relationship with God. We are forever in a state of acceptance” (How People Grow p.149-150).
“God’s acceptance of us in no way negates or minimizes our badness. In fact, He is able to receive us now, not because we are innocent, but because our debt of guilt has been fully paid, once and for all. So when we are afraid that He will not accept us because we have done something wrong, it is we who, at some level, are negating and minimizing what he has done for us. There is truly now no condemnation for those who belong to Jesus (Rom. 8:1)” (How People Grow p.149).
“Acceptance is a bridge to developing safe and growth producing relationships, both with God and with people. We can’t grow unless we are sure that we are both known and loved. Relationship can’t occur unless both knowledge and love are present. When people are in an accepting environment they can stop pretending to be someone they aren’t. They can rest in the relationship. That is what trust is all about. The warmth and permission to be ourselves allow us to be more honest and vulnerable and allow us to bring to light parts of ourselves that need to be connected to relationship. This connection to relationship itself fuels growth in us” (How People Grow p.150-151).
“Many people are stuck in their spiritual growth because they can’t be completely themselves. They are able to be real about their opinions, happy times, humor or care for others, however they think that their depression, sad times, addictions, or neediness are unacceptable to God or people, so they live as though those parts didn’t exist. We need to experience all of our souls, whether good, bad or broken; otherwise, what is not brought into the light of God’s love and relationship cannot be matured, healed, and integrated into the rest of our character” (How People Grow p.151).
“To experience and “be’” our sinful or broken selves is only one step in spiritual growth, however. Another necessary step is to bring those feelings and parts into relationship with God and others. (James 5:16) We are to confess to each other, which means “to agree with the truth.” Confession involves taking a risk with a negative part of ourselves, letting someone else know about it. As we experience comfort, identification, and truth without judgment, we begin to heal” (How People Grow p.153-154).
If we want people to be able to confess and grow, we must provide an environment of humility an acceptance. Punishment leads to a lack of trust. A lack of safety. If we are not safe from condemnation, we are not safe to grow in that environment. A person is redeemed when they are able to address the deeper underlying issues that caused the behaviors in the first place. This can only be done in the context of relationships. Safe, accepting, trusting relationships. We can say punishment is done in love, but when people do not feel loved we are not accomplishing God’s purposes of restoring them to health.
In an environment of no condemnation, people are honest about issues they haven’t felt safe to reveal before. When they find that it’s okay to confess one problem, they fire up the backhoe and they dig deeper into the dark parts of their souls. As acceptance increases, so does confession, and with confession come intimacy and growth. (How People Grow p.154)
See the Next Post for More on Spiritual Growth.
