If not will-power, shame, and legalism, then what? How do we grow? If Spiritual Growth is not better behavior, then what is it?
It is common to try to grow spiritually by starting with our behavior. But spiritual growth is not a process of changing behavior, it is a process of discovering who I was originally created to be. It is the process of my heart being transformed by experiencing the love, grace, and acceptance of God. The love and grace of God reveals my true Identity. When I encounter the love of God, I begin to understand who I really am. I am a chosen, valuable, deeply loved child of God. As I become secure in my identity, my life simply flows out of an overwhelming sense of assurance of who I am as a fully loved person. I begin to live more and more according to God’s original design and purpose for me.
Starting with behavior addresses growth at the wrong point in the process. All of our behaviors are driven by our deeply held subconscious beliefs. When we try to rush right into changing behaviors and don’t slow down long enough to look deep into our hearts for the beliefs that lead to the behaviors, we end up just “washing the outside of the cup.” Outward behavior change is too shallow of a goal.
For example, let’s say someone at church did something to hurt you, and you know that “good Christians” forgive, so you do all of the actions of forgiving. You accept the apology, you smile when you see that person, you even trade polite conversation occasionally. But in your heart you are still angry, you are hoping that someday the person will get what they deserve, and you know that you will never allow yourself to be friends again. We can do all of the right things on the outside but still be dead inside. If we want Life, we have to address what is going on in our heart that makes it difficult to love the things that God loves, rather than just being satisfied with outward behavior.
If we are gritting our teeth while following “the rules,” it is not biblical transformation it’s just living according to The Law. When we are growing spiritually we will experiencing of a softening of the heart. Don’t ignore or deny the tension between behavior and the heart, because it keeps us from addressing the issues that prevent us from changing at the heart level. Only a transformational experience with the Love of God will reach deep enough to touch the internal beliefs of our heart. When you see yourself as a loved person, your heart begins to change, and different behavior naturally follows.
For example, the other day my husband made dinner for our family and he tasted the vegetables that he made and said, “Wow, these are delicious, we should eat this every night!” And I noticed a small miracle. I did not feel hurt by his comment. In the past I would have become disproportionally hurt and then angry as a result of his comment. I would have taken his comment to mean that his cooking was better than mine. I would have blamed him and caused turmoil in our relationship. I believed deep in my heart that my value and worth were tied to his thoughts about my cooking ability. But through a very long growth process, I have come to believe deep in my heart that my value and worth come only from what God says about me. I grew spiritually. I became more dependent on God. The changing of my deepest beliefs about the source of my value led to a change in my interpretation of the event, and therefore, a change in the emotional experience of the event, and finally a change in behavior. I no longer become offended, blame, and start fights. This is not because I am trying to be good, it is because I no longer believe lies about who I am. God wants us to be alive, not just good. If I had only focused on my behavior, I would have never experienced the freedom that I have gained through knowing the truth of my value. And I have also been freed up to enjoy my husband’s joy in his own cooking. I am free to love and encourage him rather than worrying about protecting my own self-worth.
Spiritual Growth is a process. It takes time. We are often in a hurry to be perfect but God is not in a hurry, He is patient. He wants our hearts to be transformed, and that is a very long and complex process, not an overnight fix. Growing as a human is not like programming a computer, it is more like learning to play baseball or guitar. There is no point of “arrival”. You never become “perfect” at playing a sport or an instrument. There is always room for growth. Even the best baseball player at the peak of his career makes mistakes, and even strikes out sometimes. There is no perfect spouse, there is no perfect child, and there is no perfect Christian. We will always be in process and dependent on God.
See the Next Post for More on Spiritual Growth.
