Here are several examples of common disagreements in relationships. Each disagreement arises out of insecurity, because someone is looking to something, other than God, to provide their sense of value and worth.
Travis and Misty
Misty asked if she could talk to Travis about something. They sat down and she asked if they could come to an agreement on their regular weekly schedule because she felt that they had not had a lot of time together lately. Travis defensively said that they had had lots of time together lately. And pointed out all of the times during the past weeks that they had spent together. He also said that there were many events that she could have attended with Him but had chosen not to.
What was Misty feeling? Lonely, neglected, not a priority.
What was Travis feeling? Attacked, falsely accused, failure, hurt, betrayed.
Did the amount of emotion that Travis expressed match the situation? No, his feelings of failure and therefore defensiveness, didn’t match the tone of the calendar meeting that Misty was offering.
What was the surface issue and what was the deeper issue? The surface issue was time spent together, but the deeper issue was Travis’ insecurity in his ability to be a good husband. Travis was receiving the message “You are a failure as a husband,” even though that message was not sent.
What might have been the underlying belief or fear? Travis believed that he needed to be seen as a good husband by Misty to feel that he had value. He feared being a failure as a husband and therefore losing his value.
When Misty shared her feeling of not having enough time, Travis felt it as epic failure as a husband. The pain was too much, he had to defend himself from the attack that he perceived against his being a “good husband.” (phantom wound) He needed to make Misty believe that he was not guilty of any shortcoming in that area. He also tried to put some of the blame, that he felt, back on her to alleviate some of the pain.
Travis had received a message early on in his life that he was not good enough. And he had determined to be “good enough” by being an excellent husband or in other words, “perfect.” He believed that he could not be deficient in any way. Imperfection was unacceptable. He believed that if he could just be excellent at being a husband and father he could see himself as truly valuable. His insecurity was the deeper issue that needed to be addressed before good communication would be helpful.
Kristen and Jared
Kristen and Jared had been married for 10 years. Jared was often late getting home from work to their 5:00 dinner. Kristen asked him to be on time for meals, she tried to reason with him, she expressed her anger with him. She told him that she felt like he did not love her. But he was still sometimes late. She became bitter in general in their everyday life, and they fought about more things because of her angry disposition.
What is Kristen feeling? She was feeling devalued, unloved, unwanted, and hurt.
What is Jared feeling? He felt attacked, judged, frustrated, and confused.
Did the emotion inside of Kristen match the situation? No, her feelings of being unloved and therefore angry were way out of proportion to the offence.
What was the surface issue and what was the deeper issue? The surface issue was the lateness, but the deeper issue was Kristen’s insecurity. She was hearing the message, “You have no value, I don’t love you,” when that message was not being sent.
What might have been the underlying belief or fear? Kristen feared that she was unlovable. She believed that Jared’s actions would prove that she was either valuable or not valuable.
Do you think Kristen’s reaction to the situation resulted in getting her needs met? No, her angry reaction resulted in Jared pulling further away from her.
What did she think she wanted, and what did she actually want? She thought she wanted Jared to be home on time, but she actually wanted to know that she was valuable.
Would good communication resolve this issue easily? No, because she did not know what her deeper issue was.
Would the problem have been solved by simple behavior changes? No, even if Jared was home on time every night, Kristen would see other things that would convince her that he did not love her.
Kristen felt unloved and that hurt deeply. She expressed the hurt in anger. But the anger resulted in her husband pulling even further away, and spending less time at home. (self-sabotage)
Kristen feared that she might be unlovable. She believed that her value was dependent upon whether Jared loved her or not. If he did not spend time with her or come home for dinner on time, she felt like he didn’t love her and she became hurt and angry. (phantom wound)
No human could ever represent love in a way that would convince someone to be secure. Human’s fail. It is an impossible task. The deeper issue was Kristen’s insecurity. Insecurity was driving her deep hurt and pain, not the circumstances. No amount of communication or behavior change would have made the pain go away. The deeper issue of Security had to be addressed.
Tim and Laura
Tim was on the board of the HOA. Tim encouraged Laura to attend all of the meetings. One evening after a meeting that Tim and Laura attended, Laura shared her opinion about a neighborhood issue. Tim disagreed intensely, and asked why Laura had to be so negative and critical rather than positive and affirming. And he pointed out that He was on the board, not her.
What was Tim feeling? Attacked, belittled, incompetent.
What was Laura feeling? Confused, belittled.
Did the amount of emotion that Tim expressed match the situation? No, his feelings of incompetence and therefore anger were way out of proportion to Laura’s input.
What was the surface issue and what was the deeper issue? The surface issue was whether or not Laura should share her opinions. The deeper issue was that Tim was hearing the message “You are not competent,” even though that is not the message that was sent.
What might have been the underlying belief or fear? The underlying belief was that Laura’s praise would provide Tim’s value. The underlying fear was if Laura did not see Tim as competent, then maybe he was incompetent and therefore not valuable.
Do you think Tim’s reaction to Laura’s input resulted in getting what he wanted? No, Laura became less likely to give the praise he was looking for.
What did he think he wanted, and what did he actually want? He thought he wanted praise, but he actually wanted to know that he had value.
Tim wanted affirmation, but by rejecting Laura’s opinions and demanding affirmation, he received less and less praise. Laura found it difficult to give praise and affirmation when she felt that her opinions were belittled. Also, Tim did not seem to need praise, because he seemed to know, too well, that he was doing a good job. (self-sabotage)
Tim believed that his value came from being competent in his work. He found it hard to hear input that contradicted what he did in his work, because it felt like a value judgement on his capability. His capability was monumentally important because when he felt capable, he was able to love and accept himself, but when he felt incapable, he believed he had no basis for worth as a human being, and that was extremely painful. The praise of others was the proof of his value, and the lack of it meant that he was worthless.
The deeper issue was Tim’s insecurity. Insecurity caused Tim to feel opinions as personal attacks, even when he was not being attacked. (phantom wound) No amount of communication or behavior change would have made the pain go away. The deeper issue of Security had to be addressed.
Frank and Linda
Frank and Linda went grocery shopping together. As Linda picked things up from the shelf, Frank would get down low in front of her and examine each item’s price per ounce, and compare it with all of the other items like it. Linda became angry and said “I’m not stupid, I know how to get the best price per ounce, I don’t need your help!”
What was Linda feeling? Stupid, attacked, belittled, incompetent, hurt.
What was Frank feeling? Attacked, rejected, in-trouble, hurt.
Did the amount of emotion that Linda expressed match the situation? No, her feelings of being stupid and therefor anger, were way out of proportion to Frank’s price comparison.
What was the surface issue and what was the deeper issue? The surface issue was, who should do the price comparison. The deeper issue was that Linda was looking to Frank for the final word on her intelligence and worth.
What might have been the underlying belief or fear? Linda believed that Frank thought that she was stupid. She also believed that if she was intelligent, then she was valuable, and if she was stupid then she was not valuable. She feared that she was stupid and therefore not valuable.
Linda believed that her value came from her competence. She needed Frank to believe that she was competent, to feel “ok” about herself. Frank’s actions felt to her like accusations of incompetence even though he did not think she was incompetent. (phantom wound) She was deeply wounded but not by Frank. This is not a simple matter of communication; Linda’s Security must be addressed.
