Healthy Relationship Principles

Healthy Relationship Principles:

The goal of agreeing to observe these principles is to build deep, positive, meaningful, respectful, healthy, long-lasting, loving relationships.  Love cannot be demanded or forced, it must be cultivated through numerous positive interactions and honoring behavior which leads to good feelings and mutual trust.  Negative interactions, poor communication skills, and poor boundaries erode trust and feelings of love, and eventually kill relationships.  Hopefully these principles applied to your relationships will lead to the healing of old wounds. the rebuilding of trust and love, and result in deeper and more meaningful relationships than ever before.

As a healthy, responsible person I will do my best to:

1. Set healthy boundaries for myself regarding the things that are mine (my body, my choices, my time, my emotions, my beliefs, my possessions, etc.), and not take on false guilt for doing so.
2. Honor the boundaries of others by allowing others to make choices regarding their body, time, possessions, etc. and not impose false guilt on them for doing so.
3. Accept the fact that I cannot make rules for the way other people behave towards me, speak to me, treat me, or live their lives because I cannot control them and they are not accountable to me, they are accountable to God. Other people are outside of my boundaries.  I can only control the way I behave and respond.  (Matt. 7:1-5; Luke 6:37-38; Rom. 12:19; 1 Cor. 4:5; James 4:11-12)
4. Respond to an offense in a Christ-like manner. I can decide to respond in a Christ-like manner to an offense or not.  [A Christ -like response to an offense would be to express my pain or desire at an appropriate time, in a kind way, and/or remove myself from the situation as long as necessary for emotional and spiritual health.  There is never an excuse for responding to evil with evil.]  (Matt. 5:21-22; Matt. 5:38-42; Matt. 18:33; Luke 6:29-31; Rom. 12:17-19; James 1:19-20; 1 Pet. 3:8-9; Prov. 19:11; and Prov. 29:11; 2 Tim. 2:23-24; Titus 3:3-5)
5. I will only confront in love, not in angry retaliation. I will only confront in a constructive and beneficial way.  The goal of confrontation should always be to restore the relationship between two people and between each person and God.  The goal should never be to punish or to vent angry feelings.  The manner of confrontation should always be gentle.  (Matt 5:23-24; Matt. 18:15-20; Gal 6:1; Eph. 4:2-3; Col. 3:12-14; 2 Tim. 2:25-26)
6. Be responsible to others, but not for others. [This means loving others by being kind in my words and actions and occasionally helping them with burdens, such as crisis or tragedy (medical crisis, death in the family, abuse crisis), things they cannot do for themselves.  But I do not need to take on responsibility for things that are within another person’s boundaries [(finances, deadlines, care of possessions, etc. (their “own load.”)] (Gal. 6:2-5)
7. Be responsible for:  My own daily responsibilities (my own load- my own feelings, responsibilities, behaviors, choices, attitudes, thoughts). (Gal. 6:5)

• Feelings- My feelings are my problem, no one else is responsible for making me feel a certain way. If I want to feel better, I have to change something that I can control, rather than try to get other people to change. If I feel a certain way, it is my responsibility to behave in a Christ-like way regardless of what others do.
• Responsibilities-Providing for myself financially, meeting deadlines, transportation, care of and managing my own possessions.
• Behaviors-I need to face the consequences of my own behaviors and not expect anyone to bail me out of my messes. Also, I should not rescue others from the consequences of their behavior because it robs them of learning to make better choices.
• Choices- I am responsible for my choices. I can never blame someone else for my choices.  I don’t have to give in to pressure, guilt, or anger from others.  I am free to make my own choices and take responsibility for them.
• Attitudes-It is my job to identify and change my wrong attitude about life rather than except the world and people around me to change. I am the only one who can change my attitude.
• Thoughts- I own my own thoughts, I need to question my thinking, to see where I may be wrong. And I must grow in knowledge and understanding.

8. Behave assertively. Assertiveness is about finding a middle way between aggression and passivity that best respects the personal boundaries of everyone. Assertive people express their needs and desires without demanding.  An assertive person says “no” when they want to, and they remove themselves from a situation that is emotionally or physically destructive.  Assertive people defend themselves when someone else attempts to dominate them, even using force if necessary, to repel the invasion attempt. Domination is when someone tries to exert control over someone’s decisions or body.
9. Assertively state requests as desires, rather than aggressive demands. (Ex. “Could you be home on time in the future? I would really appreciate it.”) And be willing to accept the outcome whether it is what I think is right or not, because I should not make a goal of something that I cannot control (i.e. other people.).
10. Express my feelings at an appropriate time in an appropriate way when my feelings are hurt. (see Steps to take when we are angry)
11. Not behave in an aggressive or dominating way. I will avoid criticizing, blaming, name calling, yelling, threatening, intimidating, belittling, and manipulating. (Gal. 5:20; Eph. 4:29-31; Col. 3:8)  I will not impose my will on another person and force them to submit, because it is an invasion of and disrespectful of their personal boundaries.

12. Not behave passively- Passivity occurs when a person submits to another person’s dominance play by putting their own wishes and desires aside to fulfil the wishes and desires of the dominant person.
13. Remove myself from any situation that seems threatening, aggressive, or too emotionally charged to be beneficial. I may say…”I need to take a time out.” or “Let’s come back to this when we both have had a chance to calm down.”